AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

@Summertimesadnessishere Yes, he’s not behaving like an adult, his behavior sounds more like a child’s whose parents are still responsible for cleaning up after and cooking for.

Perhaps that’s why they’re charging £500, because he expects a housekeeping service?!

6 figures... this is mad.
No, most people dont want or prefer to buy a poky flat or have to move but you live to your means.
Like the pp who said their adult child wanted the newest iPhone or whatever so oh dear that costs more for the parent. Give yourselves permission to not pay for everything for your adult children. I would have preferred a different phone but my phone is fine, and I pay less than £10 a month after handset. The gym membership etc is not essential.
I fear some of these young people are growing into tight adults who wont buy a round in the pub, will be happy to sponge off friends and family and certainly expect an inheritance

Spain has much better life satisfaction, one of the highest life expectancies in the world and far lower mental health issues.

Families are very tight knit and there isn’t this terrible culture here of DC being out on their ear at 18.

It is extremely common to see all generations getting together in person on a weekly basis for meals and socialising.

I think their culture is perfectly fine, actually.

My DC and their friends don’t buy rounds at the pub, which makes perfect sense. Some won’t be drinking at all and the rest all had different things.

Sorry, but this argument is idiotic. House prices have risen by hundreds of percentage in the U.K. over the last few decades (far more than wages).

The cost of festival tickets wouldn’t touch the sides.

Families are very tight knit and there isn’t this terrible culture here of DC being out on their ear at 18.

@SilkySquirrel Tbh though, I don’t know anyone IRL who expects their child to leave home at 18. My two are in that age group (20 and 17) so many of my peers also have children in that age group.

Everyone is continuing to support their children in their 20’s, some are living at home, others elsewhere due to job opportunities, but parents are still very present in their lives. I’ve only heard grumbles from people with older adult children (30-odd) who still aren’t very independent or keep boomeranging home. That can put a strain on parents when they’re thinking about retirement, for example.

Yeah my own DS who is 22 has sod all interest in buying a house. And he rents currently with his girlfriend. However he's planning to work abroad for a couple of years. Then who knows. Don't even know what country he will end up living in.

Another point about all these " cultures" who let adult kids live at home fr free. In turn the kids are then supporting their elderly parents either by having them live with them or paying for them. Yet in UK it seems very one way. People expected to support adult kids but not to have the same support ( or even just basic respect at times) in return.

Family support should work both ways

Families are very tight knit and there isn’t this terrible culture here of DC being out on their ear at 18.

Again with the hyperbole. What culture of DC being “out on their ear” at age 18? This m man is not 18, he is 23, and OP is not chucking him out, she is charging him an affordable amount for board and lodgings.

I would say there is zero culture of putting DC “out on their ear” at 18. Do you have stats on what proportion of 18 year olds are being forced to move out??

Lol have you seen the price of Glastonbury tickets? The price of a couple of festivals a year (plus spends) would add a fair old chunk to a deposit savings pot. If needing to save say , 30 or 40K for a deposit i think over a few years all these things add up.

My point was that saving, by definition, usually means some sort of sacrifice...if young adults are spending a large portion of their income on lifestyle or expensive phones when a cheaper one would do, or luxury food, carrying on as if they have plenty of 'spare' money, its hardly saving its just extended adolescence if its facilitated by being able to live at home.

If a DC is genuinely saving for a deposit then I think there's nothing wrong with parents charging very little or nothing to help them.

There are good kids who live at home, genuinely saving and gracious about being an adult in their parents home, ive seen them, their behaviour changes when they get back from uni..offering more help to their parents than tbey did before, surprising them with dinner etc but there are others who just seem to expect to be supported in the same way they were as kids financially when they could spend any spare pocket money on what they wanted and the 'saving for a deposit' thing is just sounds better than he/she lives at home..I think the latter group are a ticking time bomb for problems later down the line.

It’s not an affordable amount. The OP is profiting from him.

Yes, it is affordable. £500 out of £1800 take home is affordable.

Just writing stuff doesn't make it true.

ETA we get that you disagree with the ethics of parents charging adult children, but that's separate to 'what is an affordable amount for board and lodgings from take home pay of £x'

@SilkySquirrel

It IS affordable though. He has plenty of money left over. Or do you think he should be able to spend every single penny of his wage on shite and OP just suck it up and accept him living with her rent free forever more??

You have not explained why you think it is acceptable for parents to profit from their children.

That is not a common view either in the U.K. (despite the bonkers culture of charging rent) or anywhere else.

My view is that the U.K. needs to move away completely from this backward and harmful culture of treating DC as tenants in their own homes.

I would empower HMRC to carry out inspections to ensure that all of these parental landlords are registered as such, are paying the requisite tax on their rental income and meeting standards in areas like fire safety and carbon monoxide monitoring.

Of course they won’t be, so let’s get some hefty fines issued and put a stop to the whole nonsense.

Yes, I have. Directly to you and to others. See my earlier posts. (ETA eg 17/01/2026 10:47 - a post which you quoted, so I assume you read it)

Now, about MY question to you - £500, clearly an affordable level for board and lodgings out of £1800 take home pay. Regardless of the parental landlord point, why are you stating it’s unaffordable?

ETA and my other question - what are your stats for your “out on their ear at 18” assertion?

You don’t even need half of that for a non related lodger. And the government even tells those on any kind of means tested benefit like Universal Credit that they should be charging adult children towards their keep.

Were any legal/taxation framework to be applied to family paying towards board and lodging, it would be the Rent a Room scheme (ie lodger) not a tenancy agreement.

The Rent a Room scheme allows £7500 tax free pa from lodgers ie £625 pcm

Yes, but I would toughen the rules so that any ‘board’ is taxed at 45% and parents are registered as landlords and subject to the relevant rules.

I would then empower and resource HMRC to carry out spot checks.

That would stop the profiteers.

Right, so you do agree with parents profiting from their children.

That is an extreme minority view but I am glad you have clarified.

@SilkySquirrel Are you saying that adult children shouldn’t pay for their own food, utility usage, share of the council tax, etc.? That their parents have to cover these expenses indefinitely?

Or are you saying that anything above those expenses should be taxed at 45%?

As per my posts, without your ridiculous hyperbole, my position is that all adults in a household earning a reasonable wage should make a meaningful contribution to the costs of that household.

Now, please do me the courtesy of answering my questions. You’re not Columbo.

I think anything that parents charge beyond the immediate food and utility costs of DC living there should be taxed at 45%, yes.

Council tax and mortgage/rent are payable regardless of whether a DC is there or not, so they shouldn’t be subsidising them.

@SheilaFentiman Yes, if parents are supposed to financially support their children indefinitely, surely the concept of “adulthood” is meaningless.

A parent I know is currently dealing with the financial implications of her DD (25) getting pregnant. She lives at home with her parents (as does her bf) and she doesn’t contribute to household bills, she covers her phone, car insurance, etc. So are her parents now expected to keep a second generation? It’s not sustainable.

You are not being unfair. You’re helping him budget for the future. If he can still save £1000 each month that will set him up for a deposit if that what he wants or to invest. After 2-3 years by time jn mid 20s if use compound interest he could have £40k saved