AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

A PP (who has a massive bee in her bonnet about parents charging rent) noted that she had paid around £500 pcm for fully catered halls and that those halls were a better deal than OP was offering her son.

I was pointing out that £500 was very low for catered halls, in my experience, and that (of course) such halls come with restrictions that OP’s DS is not currently following eg keep clean and don’t smoke.

Hope that’s clarified it for you @Terfarina

Exactly this .
Jesus , that’s a huge amount to be charging your own child when you say you don’t even need it !.
Fair enough he buys his own treats & that .
This rubbish , “ let him see what it’s like to live in the real world “ 🙄.
He could save that money for a deposit for a house for himself .
He will not look back on you fondly for this when he is older OP .

I agree with all your points.
Me personally, I wanted my own home and wanted to start having children in my 30’s, and I couldn’t have afforded to have done that with my bog-standard job (earnings similar to a teacher, social worker, nurse) if I hadn’t lived at home to save for a deposit.

SP here of 17 yrs, In my neck of the woods, Council Tax alone went up by £89 pm once they were allowed back home aged 18, I also pay £73 pm for their phone, so when said child was earning a steady amount I suggested £100 pw and was met with 'but my friends only pay £250' pm, my response was 'go and live with them then'
Everyone talks about GEN Z being incompetent but then want to mollycoddle them and give them even more less life skills. No I don't need their 'rent' what they do need is to prioritise a roof over their heads as a bare fucking minimum! Get real

SP here of 17 yrs, In my neck of the woods, Council Tax alone went up by £89 pm once they were allowed back home aged 18, I also pay £73 pm for their phone, so when said child was earning a steady amount I suggested £100 pw and was met with 'but my friends only pay £250' pm, my response was 'go and live with them then'
Everyone talks about GEN Z being incompetent but then want to mollycoddle them and give them even more less life skills. No I don't need their 'rent' what they do need is to prioritise a roof over their heads as a bare fucking minimum! Get real

I wouldn’t take a deposit from my parents either, as it happens. It’s my house, and I’ll buy it.

@SleeplessInWherever I used to have the same mindset but it’s changed over time.
Life is hard work and a few years ago, I decided not to look gift horses in the mouth anymore! If someone offers me something and I know that they can afford it, I take it with thanks nowadays. I’m advising my young adult children to do the same, If I’m able to offer them something towards a deposit, I want them to take it and make their lives a little easier.

I don't think whether the parents need the money or not is always a factor....there just seem to be two camps, each wanting the best for their children and going about it in different ways.

Where I live property is stupidly expensive I know more than one affluent family where the kids have had to work to pay for their own driving lessons and cars but the driver of the shuttle bus I caught yesterday said he'd love a holiday to escape the rain but couldn't afford one because his son would need a car soon and he wanted to buy him something decent.

I very much doubt there are many parents who actually want to.profit off their children...that's rubbish.

SP here of 17 yrs, In my neck of the woods, Council Tax alone went up by £89 pm once they were allowed back home aged 18, I also pay £73 pm for their phone,

Thanks for those numbers @Redragtoabull. This is why it would be helpful if the OP shared what it actually costs having her DS live at home. For you, just those two bills cost you an extra £162 pm. 😱 Then add on food, utilities and anything else you cover, it’s probably a few hundred pm extra. That’s a lot.

The money he is paying is literally peanuts compared with actual rent costs which sadly doesn't include overpriced coffee pods nor charging a car.
If you put the rent charge or a portion of it in a separate account so in 6 months he can rent elsewhere or a mortgage deposit, would that be better?
I don't agree that it's upto teachers to advise on how to budget, what with everything else they do, this is surely a parent or guardians responsibility along with tooth brushing, potty training, affordable coffee options 😬

How does he learn any sense of responsibility then? This is where you grow idle lazy husbands that women end up divorcing. Do better for society and women and all the children that suffer as a result of the damage. Be responsible Dad and Mum learn how to get your son to take responsibility and be respectful. It’s your failing to do this that perpetuates this problem of incompetent man children

My bills accumulate to £2,400, that's bills alone, not including petrol, car tax, food, clothing, socialising. So damn right my adult working child will contribute, I could be a millionaire and they would still be made to pay to live in our home to make sure they don't crumble under this crazy UK housing crisis when they leave home, aged 45 🤐

Mine are all in regular touch with me also and all of them had left home before they were 23. So I'm not sure that's any relevance.

Well my utilities doubled and council tax went up 25% when DS returned at after uni. He also eats far more than me so my bills certainly are much much less without him there

Same with ds22! Except he's had to move into a house share as he works a couple of hours from us. He is ND so very unlikely he'll buy with someone else! That's why he's chosen a cheap house share - £485 including bills - as he won't get any help from us as we're on uc.

I've just stopped paying for ds22's mobile as he started a permanent job last month (and moved into a house share) and I was paying £9.44 a month sim only. He bought a reconditioned, as new, s23 last year for a few hundred pound. £73 is a ridiculous amount!

£500 rent when he only gets paid £1800 a month is awful. Are you putting that into an ISA for his deposit or something? He could /should just move into a house share on £500. Jesus, why are you taking so much! You don’t even need it! Comments of “oh the world is expensive, he better get used to it eh eh eh” boomers can just do one. The world is SO expensive now for young people, they need support not to be exploited by parents who got a mortgage back in the day with about £8k deposit!

My elder 2 had to house share after university as they worked too far from us. Dd1 and her now dh bought their house when they were 29 and started a family a couple of years after that. Same with dd2 but her now dh already had a property and they moved into 'their' own house when she was almost 30. At 32 she now has 2dc.

Personally I feel £500 is excessive to charge a child. Surely you want him to save this money so he can get his own place? You are expecting all this money, and presumably it helps pay towards your mortgage? £150 a month rent and luxuries on top.

And he's a cheeky sod to boot (smoking in the house, not tidying up after himself etc). By the sounds of things mollycoddling him and letting him sponge as some posters are suggesting will just encourage him to stay longer and take the piss more. I think you're on the right track OP, treating him like a babe in arms is going to help nobody in the long run.

DD and her then fiancé lived with me for several years while saving to buy a house. This was 20 years ago. They paid £200 each per month and bought all their “luxury” food, as well as their own drinks. I’d buy mince and sausages etc but they’d choose the Sunday roast, buy and cook for all of us. They’d buy the posh cheese, fancy ingredients, niche fruit and vegetables. From a food point of view it worked well enough, they preferred to cook and I preferred to load the dishwasher and put things away.

They were awful about wasting electricity though!

Rent plus bills and food in that £,500. Most people pay that amount on bills and food even without rent. Take home pay is about the same as mine. I don't feel js " only," £ 1800 a month . I have similar expenses and live quite well on my" spare," £1300

It is disgusting for someone to exploit their DC in order to make a profit as the OP is doing.

How do you know she is making a profit

@SilkySquirrel

she isn’t making a profit though. If she wanted to make a profit she would turf her son out and get a lodger who would pay a lot more. Her son is getting a great deal - someone who cooks and cleans for him on top of the fact that he is paying no where near what be would be paying elsewhere.

I really don’t know why a grown adult with a job contributing to the house in which he lives in pains you as it does? Are you ok?

He’s not a child.

Could you save a deposit out of £1300 spare cash a month?