AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

I’m 36, so absolutely not a “boomer.”

I moved out at 18 for uni, and have never been back. I find the idea of running home to my mother (like OPs son has twice) or needing bailing out by her completely bizarre. I’d be mortified. My parents would welcome us back any time - none of us would go back, because we’re adults who don’t want to live in the spare room.

Myself and my first husband saved for a deposit whilst renting a flat - it took us 7 years. We married when I was 26, and bought my first house when I was 28, sold it when we separated so we could both buy again.

It is perfectly reasonable to expect adults to either pay their way in their family home, or move out and do it themselves.

She is making a profit. There is no way it costs her £500 a month to have one 23 year old living in her house when she is not even providing weekend meals, hot drinks or car charging.

It is exploration and absolutely needs to be called out. As I say, I hope her DS remembers her nickel and diming and makes sure to do the same in future.

She wants a run to the supermarket when she’s older? That’ll be £30 please to account for time (at a carer’s wage costs), petrol, insurance and car wear and tear.

Well, you are very much the exception. Many young adults are now having to return home after uni due to housing costs and the graduate job market.

Parents who see that as “running home” should frankly not be having DC.

Bizarre to think that (a) OP, perfectly capable of using the internet, wouldn’t just use internet shopping (b) that DS would necessarily live close enough to do a supermarket run for her and (c) that DS would bear a grudge for, what, 30 years?

Honestly, if that’s the case, perhaps you would be happier if she disowned him and asked him to move out. Probably a relief for him, since, in your view, he’s currently living with abhorrent, exploitative and disgusting parents.

It’s irrelevant whether she’s making a profit. He should pay his way like every adult has to do. This cocklodger-in-training needs to pay more and clean up or leave.

No, it is not normal at all for parents to be profiting from their own DC. Except on this thread.

I know people not on this thread charging rent to their DCs once said DCs are earning, if that helps?

I was at uni for 5 of those years, doing my undergrad and then PGCE.

My then partner worked in a warehouse at the time, I worked part time around my studies, and then had a teachers wage that I think we can all accept isn’t great. We made it work, and young people now seem less inclined to make that happen.

My parents wouldn’t see it as running home. They’d have me back now if needed. They told me to go back when I left my husband, until everything was finalised. I wouldn’t have dreamt of it - I’m a grown woman who should be able to live independently.

The son needs to develop some independence and stop failing at his attempts to live outside of the family home.

@SilkySquirrel

you STILL haven’t explained why you think a GROWN MAN shouldn’t be contributing to the financial and practical running of the house in which he lives?? Is that cos you know you’re talking silly?

You are making absolute bank off him, charging £500 a month. Yes, he’d pay more if he moved out but equally you’d still have an empty room making you no money and there’s no way he’s costing you anything like £500 a month in extra bills. He’d also have his own place and own rules rather than still playing the role of child with parents setting the rules. There becomes a price point I think where if you’re charging an adult child what you’d charge a lodger then you no longer get to do the parental side of being in charge and the whole ‘it’s my house’ thing. If he’s being treated like a flatmate then you need to treat him like a flatmate and come up with shared rules together where you need to compromise too.

Saying that, based on your updates, I suspect you’re overcharging him in the hopes he’ll move out which is understandable as he sounds like a nightmare to live with.

Why bother charging anything? You're doing him no favours concerning his future life. Or maybe you want him reliant on you forever?

There becomes a price point I think where if you’re charging an adult child what you’d charge a lodger then you no longer get to do the parental side of being in charge and the whole ‘it’s my house’ thing.

If OP had a lodger, she would absolutely be able to say “this is a no smoking house and garden, and please tidy up when you cook”

ETA and “you are welcome to use the coffee machine but please buy your own pods”

I've heard it all now - asking a fully grown, full time working man for £500 per month to cover all the essentials, while he takes the piss by smoking in the house and not tidying up after himself, is 'exploitation' that 'needs to be called out'! Christ almighty if you wanted to raise a man-baby unable to cope with the real world or sort things out for himself then not charging somebody like that a decent amount is a very good way to do it. And if he resents it in future years then that would just confirm he's a bit of a prick.

100% @Biskieboo

Next, posters will be suggesting he calls child services, because of all the exploitation 😀

I agree that he’s a terrible lodger and I would be telling him to move out. I still think she’s charging him far more than he’s costing her.

She might be - I don’t think that’s unreasonable (I am in a minority on this thread on that, but not a minority of one).

He’s a salaried adult living in the house who would have to pay rent, bills etc if he lived elsewhere (and for a cleaner, and for a place with a drive where he could charge his EV). I think it’s reasonable that he pays more than the bare minimum, albeit less than “market rate”

Why on earth should parents be profiting from DC! It is absolutely disgusting!

@SilkySquirrel

i hope OP has bought some nice things for herself from her sons keep, some nice makeup and cocktails that kind of thing

DH says it would literally come to blows between family members if that happened in Spain.

@OP is not in Spain 🤷‍♀️ so you know, what your husband says is irrelevant

OP hasn’t given us the numbers for how much it costs her to run the house or how much her housekeeping costs are. I spend a fortune on food and I am not a man in my twenties.

Also OP is providing free cleaning and catering services.

My point is that you have no idea of how much he costs or the house costs or her hourly rate for cleaning and catering and yet you are convinced the OP is exploiting her son. You have no way of knowing and neither do we.

It is very relevant. No wonder so many young people departing the UK these days.

Not only do they have to deal with a terrible jobs market, housing crisis and rising cost of living; but even their own parents out to make a quick buck from them!

I think she is making a fortune out of him to be frank, which is absolutely appalling.

I think it is excessive, but I wouldn’t charge my children anything to stay at the family home.

@SilkySquirrel

well OP’s son is free to leave the country if he’s finding it so bad… somehow I don’t think he will as he’s getting too much of a good deal with his mother. Who else is gonna cook and clean for him?