AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

His parents are profiting enough from him without making him pay for his own coffee too.

If I were him, I’d make sure to charge them for every penny of help they may need when they’re older at the full pride they’d pay to a care company.

They want taken to the supermarket? That’ll be a carer’s wage costs at say £18 an hour, plus petrol costs of course. And wear and tear on the car. And insurance costs…

I guess we can agree to disagree 🙂

Why oh why do so many parents on this website let their adult kids walk all over them?

It’s time for him to pay himself for his treats, clean up after himself or you should kick his lazy arse out and he finds himself back out in the real world. You TELL him what he has to do, don’t ask. You are a mug for cleaning up after him, he’s an embarrassment.

@QuaintNewt Would you be willing to share how much of his contribution is spent on household bills and food, etc.?

@SilkySquirrel

yeah, yeah, we get it! You would be happy for your son to stay living with you until he’s 54 and contribute nothing, to clean up after him, smile indulgently while he spunks his wages on cigs and whatever other shite, and spend all your own wages on coffee pods for him or whatever else he fancied. You are a superior mother!

@Cherrytree86

So you believe parents should steal DCs’ money from them if they choose to smoke? 😂

@SilkySquirrel

i believe that adults should contribute to the running of the house in which they live, regardless of whether or not they smoke.

With a disposable income of £1,800, his lifestyle appears unaffordable. Nespresso is a luxury expense, and I do not believe his current income would support it if he were not living with you. I also think you are charging too little for what you provide him.

Only 50% of 23 year old’s do though, still more weighted toward males. Weird, I wonder why young men are more likely to stay at home and less likely to fend for themselves.

I grew up in the NE. Most either move out for uni and stay moved out, or leave home around 19/20. Renting usually, I don’t know anyone who moved straight into a mortgaged home, they saved hard for it whilst leaving independently from parents.

Before someone says “not in the South East,” you could still move out and rent, and if you can’t, then you should still be paying parents a decent sum because life, is not free.

I have to say, if I was in my twenties and met a man who still lived with his parents, it would be hugely off putting. I wouldn’t see it as financial planning, I’d see it as a desperate need to
grow up.

She's not like a regular mom, she's a cool mom

I know plenty of men and women who lived at home with their parents during their twenties, and managed to save up and buy houses/townhouses/condos with their partners in expensive cities like Vancouver, Toronto and London (or suburbs). In my circle, it’s the norm. I think it’s excellent financial planning.

£500 pcm (or not much more, whatever that means…) for fully catered halls is a spectacular deal.

I’m paying about £10k across three terms for total DS1, for a contract running late Sep to late June. This is fully catered, but the students are expected to hoover their rooms, do their own laundry and sheets, pay for laundry pods and any snacks or drinks outside of meal times. Parking is limited, but of course any fuel or EV charging would be extra. Netflix, tv license etc are all on top.

And if you smoke in your room at all, or fail a cleanliness inspection too many times, you are out.

🤔

Well, personally I think any parent who takes a “decent sum” off their DC unless they are absolutely desperate or the DC is loaded is abhorrent, so there we are.

@GregoryMcGregor Yes, in expensive cities with plenty of job opportunities, living at home while saving makes complete sense. If you’re from an area that doesn’t have much going on, you may have no choice except to move for work-or if you’re in a sector that has better-paid opportunities elsewhere. DH and I have always had to move for work, we couldn’t have progressed in our home towns tbh.

@SilkySquirrel

thats your view 🤷‍♀️
others have different views

and young women/men who may be otherwise be interested in OP’s son romantically may well get the ick about the fact that an adult is living with his parents when he doesn’t need to and can’t clean up after himself and disrespects his mother. I mean it is pretty ick inducing!

Abhorrent for encouraging a grown man to pay their own way? 😂

We all know £500 in the grand scheme of paying bills is nothing. I was paying more than that in rent alone at his age.

You might want entitled kids who live in your pocket forever, but it’s not for everyone.

It's normal in my circle to live with parents, save a deposit and then buy a house too. No one really bothers renting.
I suppose it depends on a few things really.
Some people go to university and don't return to their home town, so will need to rent, their parents are 100's of miles away.
Others are just enjoying their twenties as a single person, so settling down and mortgaging up isn't on their radar.
There will also be people who don't want to stay in one place, intend to move jobs/ cities regularly, so buying doesn't make any sense.
I don't know why people are judging those in their 20s who still live at home, it's weird to do that. It is a sensible financial decision for a lot of people.

I find that hard to believe I paid £325 in 1980.

It’s likely a sensible financial decision for lots of people. I’d have bought my first home sooner had I stayed with my parents.

But - don’t believe it’s a sensible lifestyle decision. I think when you’re an adult, you’re supposed to have your own fridge to fill, your own carpets to hoover, and be responsible for your own life. Fully responsible.

I wouldn’t take a deposit from my parents either, as it happens. It’s my house, and I’ll buy it.

Financial sense or otherwise, I think independence is more important. I cannot imagine having been in my mid-twenties and still staying in my boyfriend’s room at his parents. Or telling my mum when I’ll be home.

I get on great with my parents, but having my own space and own life is absolutely invaluable, and always has been.

I don’t believe anyone would take issue with a 23 year old living at home except on this thread.

The majority of that age group are still living at home, and it is becoming more common. It makes sense imo unless you are moving for work/education or have grabby parents like the OP.

90%+ of 23 year olds in Spain live at home. They have much better life satisfaction and far fewer mental health issues as there is less pressure to join the rat race and no greedy parents seeing their DC as a cash cow.

I do wonder what words some people can possibly use to describe, say, drink drivers or tradesmen fleecing pensioners, if the act of charging of board and lodgings to a salaried adult brings out the word “abhorrent”…

Been there, done that with bells on. I didn't enjoy my sons smoking, being messy or loud or whatever but I did take deep breaths and remembered they were young people finding their way in life and it was great to have more time with them at home. You have to think about protecting your longer term relationship - ie what really matters - rather than house share bickering.

My lads have lived away from home for 4 & 6 years and we are all really close, they come on holidays with us and we are all in touch all the time. That stuff is more important than worrying whose turn it is to load the dishwasher or if someone is drinking a lot of coffee.

In cities like Vancouver and Toronto (and suburbs) houses often have single or double basement suites (sometimes a lane way house) as well. This allows for privacy and multi-generational living.

You can fill the fridge, hoover the carpets, scrub the bathrooms in your parent’s house too — nobody stopping you.

I bought my first house in the suburbs of an expensive city with my partner pretty much mortgage free because my parents didn’t charge rent whilst living at home—same with my partner. We also have a rental property, holiday home, other investments and substantial savings simply because of being able to live rent-free with parents in our twenties.

what do you expect?

• halls cannot be leased out any other time of the year so the money you are paying is effectively for 12 months
• less than £1k pcm for catered is amazing - in my city a room in a shared house in a rubbish part of town costs more than that
• poor flower having to hoover his own room, do his own laundry, change his own bedding... shouldn't young people be used to that?
• do you really think the uni should pay for snacks and drinks and fuel for your little prince's car?
• unis don't make the rules about tv licensing or netflix or whatever - imagine of they did and paid for packages prince didnt use so you were subsidising other people's children!
• unfortunately smoking - and students who smoke usually cover smoke detectors in their room - presents a life safety hazard to everyone living there.
• Being unsanitary is grim for everyone else too - surely you've taught Prince not to be a minger?
• I sincerely hope he is not as entitled as you

Errr, what????

I’m completely happy with all those rules, as is he!!