AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

Yes, she must brace herself for the tidy house, the smokeless air and the absence of a useless, entitled man baby.

How ever will she manage?

@SilkySquirrel

no she isn’t. He is paying his way, as grown ups do.

Do they? Where I’m from if you haven’t moved out by around 21, you’re quite likely attached to your mother’s apron strings.

Even if most young adults do live at home in certain areas, they are adults, and adults pay their way.

Thanks for clarifying.
A lot of people use the excuse of 'teaching financial responsibility' to take money from their kids.
I never had to pay though and don't struggle with finances. My husband on the other hand had to, and he is useless with money, so i habe to wonder how much it actually teaches.

I think I'd be working with him to figure out how he can move out and live independently of you ( without getting into financial difficulties again) .
He's already moved out twice , so that's clearly what he wants anyway. House share ? Teaching money management, budgeting, putting a spread sheet together etc. I'd focus on that rather than coffee pods tbh, based on what you've posted.

"he earns a wage and it is his to do with as he sees fit"

I'm going to ring the council and tell them to sod their council tax, it's my wage to do with as I wish 💰

£500 is relative, depends on where you live, what the accommodation is ect. Small box room or large room with shower etc. if you live near/in London it’s cheap, if your up north it’s expensive. Do you shop in M&S or Lidl? Hard to make a judgement. I’ve told all my kids I will charge them all 30% of there income but I plan to put some in a saver for them to buy a house. This will bill if bills don’t keep going up.

You sound a) tight and b) overly focused on trivialities. You might think you're "teaching" him valuable lessons but if he's observing you accurately he won't be getting much worthwhile.

What do you mean by your second sentence, please?

Smoking in the house, expecting OP to buy him takeaways, doing no housework whatsoever and kicking off so badly when he's asked that the OP has given up asking. How are these trivial issues? He has no respect for OP or her home

Profiting? How ridiculous. People have no idea how much things cost.

If you were struggling financially, I would think £500 a month to be a reasonable amount. However, as you say you are not rich but quite comfortable, I do think £500 is quite a lot - unless you were putting £100 away as savings to give to him when he moves out. Of course, he is likely to pay more than that for less if he had to find his own accommodation, but you are his parents.

I think £400 would be more reasonable but he should pay for extras himself.

When did this living at home until able to buy a home become a thing? I'm genuinely interested....I know it's harder to get on the property ladder now, but even 10 years ago I knew no one who was able to afford a deposit straight after uni or for quite some time after. In the meantime people lived in shared houses, usually a few before they were able to buy. The lucky ones were given something towards a deposit by their parents eventually ... but not for some time and no one expected it... they were in the minority

I look back on that time between living at home and having a mortgage with fondness and nostalgia..even though some of the flat-shares were less than desirable. Going from living at home to being a home-owner would have felt like missing out on a life-stage.

I suppose if so many are living at home in their twenties now, there are fewer people to actually share flats etc with so perhaps it's died a death.

I feel like £500 is a fair amount especially since it includes all bills, AND considering you have had to bail him out financially when he's moved out before - I'd be making clear that won't happen again. I think if you charge less, he's got even less incentive to move out in the future!

You could say the household finances are a bit harder than usual so just not buy coffee pods/other luxuries, takeaways etc for a few months. Annoying for you in the short term but he'll either start buying them himself or not buy them. And if he does you can pinch the occasional coffee pod and he'll see how he likes it when the shoe is on the other foot 😜

Hi op I know rentals etc are expensive but £500 is enough to have him charge his car and a few luxuries this is why it’s called rent it covers everything. You are taking more than a quarter of his wages. If you looked at it and divided up the costs equally how much would it cost you all? How many live in the house? Would you be skint if he took his rent elsewhere. I’ve seen shared houses for 500 and this is his family home.

this is why it’s called rent it covers everything

Say what? Rent covers the rental of a room or flat or house. Everything else is not called rent - utilities, food etc.

They could take a lodger who would pay more- and I think you are under estimating the cost of EV charging- could easily be more than £100 a month, as could the extra groceries. Everyone should look to their own finances , this applies as much to the OP as the son. But £500 a month for rent, food, bills and EV charging is ludicrously low- which is why he has £1300 to spend every month, which is a huge amount to most people in these times.

But won’t be cleaning/cooking/shopping.

@SilkySquirrel this is a good point. If in the unlikely event she found herself struggling without her sons £500 a month keep she could get a lodger and rake in a LOT more!

Nope, you are right. Anything over & above what the family expenses are, they're down to him, he isn't a little boy.

DD works and earns about 1800 a month. We charge 250 as we wanted to have her pay a contribution, but also be able to save for her future. She puts away 1k a month towards a house but it will take years to save the size deposit she will need as she will be buying on her own.

Your area is very unusual then. Over 70% of 21 year old males in the UK live at home.

But he brings home £1800.
£500 rent and £30 for EV.... more than enough for a couple of takeaways and coffee pods

DS1 was in catered halls at uni, which included all meals (which the OP’s DS doesn’t get), weekly cleaning and all bills.

We didn’t pay much more than £500 a month for that.

@DrMadelineMaxwell Well done your DD, she’ll be in a great position in a few years. 👏