AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

Yes, because it's not nearly enough!

The basics of an indepedent, adult life cost a lot more.

He's failed out in the real world and returned to mum and dad's house. Which means that he (tragically!) needs to be parented again. And parenting means getting your children ready to live independently, furnishing him with the skills he needs.

Leaving him with 1300 a month to fritter away as he sees fit while the parents shop and cook and clean and wash for him as he smokes and intimidates them, is, frankly, nuts.

The only way he'll learn is if they provide him with a simulation of reality. Financial and practical.

I was paying £500 rent in the late 80's- your son needs a reality check. If he takes home £1800 a month why hasn't he moved out/ That is plenty to run a household on- if he doesn't want to move out I would increase his rent to £800 a month and he pays for his own EV and luxury grocery top ups. You'll never get him to launch charging him next to nothing- he will get used to spending£1300 a month and you will be stuck.

@QuinqueremeofNiveneh

That is a disgraceful post. His parents are already profiting from him and you want them to make even more?

He earns a wage and it is his to do with as he sees fit.

Frankly I find that hard to believe, as £500 in the late 80s is equivalent to over £1400 now.

Your parents were making a fortune if that’s what they were charging!

He has moved out, twice, with OP and her DH bailing him out when he had financial issues.

Slightly at odds with various PPs characterisation of them as abhorrent and profiteering, but there we are.

He’s 23, not 13.

Who here keeps their wage to “do with as they see fit”? That’s just not reality.

We’re talking about a grown man here, not a child, and grown ups have responsibilities.

We cannot encourage grown adults to avoid those responsibilities for the rest of their lives by running home to their parents and living cost free, in some domestic hotel.

Not at home- commercially, why should parents heavily subsidise children who are earning well?

Love your username @QuinqueremeofNiveneh

It sounds like the son is subsidising the OP in this case tbh.

What is she going to do when she loses £500 a month from her income?

@SilkySquirrel

he’s an adult! He needs to move out or be working towards it. Would you really be happy to be slaving away to pay the bills and cleaning up after your son while he spends all his money on cigs or whatever?? Really??

@SilkySquirrel

shes probs gonna love her life tbh when he eventually goes… not having to clean up after a grown man, be nagged to buy coffee pads, smelling cig smoke etc etc
i think she’ll cope just fine!

Hate my typo! 😄

But not Mumsnet-savvy enough to fix it...

Yep! And it's not like he costs nothing - food and utility costs will go down somewhat when he leaves too.

My son earns about the same as yours, but in his own small apartment his rent alone £1600 a month … yours needs to pay up some more or try it alone ..

Ment to add he works another job at weekends too ..not sure what he gets for that, but he copes …his 24 and we’re proud of him .

I disagree with it being high.

OP, I understand (I think), he’s not pulli g his weight at home, I bet you tried to teach him to tidy up atter himself, his girlfriend is also there a lot, you do all the cooking, housework, so it’s kind of a compensation.
I totally get how you want to help him (and you are, rents only in my area are 7-800 per room for example). and I’m assuming you’re tired of the arguments.

Sadly you have issues of your own then..

Issues

Yes, rents to a landlord who is making a profit 😳

Not by anywhere near £500 they won’t.

The OP is being subsidised by her DS at present and will need to ensure she is prepared for when that income stops.

I would imagine OP is far more capable of running her budget in line with her income than the DS, given his double failure to launch and his smoking habit.

So many posts like this recently.
My Autistic 19 year old has more sense than some of these adult children. She will always pay for her own expensive items, if I want to treat her I have to do it quietly else she will just buy it herself.

@SilkySquirrel

shes already said she doesn’t need the money! She’ll be ok 😀

Failure to launch 😂

The vast majority of 23 year olds live at home. He is hardly some sort of unique circumstance.

In which case she is exploiting her son.