AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

He's not a lodger, he's her son...

He’s a 23 year old adult living in the house and earning more than enough to cover £500 contribution.

How old does he have to be and how much does he have to earn before you think £500 would be a fair payment?

I charge my adult son what you would presumably consider a pittance. This allows him to save for a house deposit, for which he’ll need a far greater sum than I ever did.

It’s not “setting him up for a shock” because he’s not an idiot and is perfectly well aware of the cost of things and that he’s getting a very good deal.

What does age have to do with anything??

We would never charge our children rent to stay in their family home. I can understand asking for contribution towards their additional costs food, electric etc. but charging an arbitrary rent seems strange to me.

If they were still living there at 30 and earning £50k, would you feel the same? At 35 and earning £100k?

That’s why I’m asking - I wonder if you have any kind of “self sufficient adult” cut off or if you always see them as children who don’t need to pay rent.

YABU. And £500 is way too much.

Our home will always be their home whenever they need it regardless of age or salary.

We don't need the money so why would I take money from them? Prefer save the money, they are adults, but will always be my children.

But it doesn't seem a pleasure for the OP who has a son that smokes in the house and leaves mess everywhere does it

I know, @SilkySquirrel. My DD (20) told me how much she has saved up from her p-t jobs and I was amazed, she’s better at making her money grow than I am!

Ok. Personally, I think this is a pretty extreme position if they are in their 30s, but each to her own.

Good night.

Isn't it just as obscene for ADULT children to be using their parents money for treats for themselves? Surely it should work both ways,
If you are a family then all the adults should pay equally towards household costs ( minus a mortgage)

You sound pretty horrible to be fair. £500 a month plus weekend meals, coke, coffee and his electric for charging his car? That’s a lot

Lol om a thread about how MUch SAHM have for themselves to spend it's considered far too little by most people.

What does that have to do with anything? There’s no equivalence whatsoever between the two situations.

Well it seems 500. Is small if you are given it but big if you have to pay it

I think £500 is excessive- my DS is on the same money as yours, he pays £150 a month (whether its a 4/5 week month) he pays for his phone and any take aways etc. He pays £500 -£700 directly into a savings account every month too. I would rather he saved than paid us high levels of rent.

TheOPs son obviously doesn't save though as he's had to be bailed out twice already

It's not something I would do, I wasn't charged rent so I won't charge my daughters. However if you are putting the money towards a deposit then guess it's just a saving scheme.

My son left home to go travelling last year after finishing professional exams. We agreed to him not paying ‘rent’ to us as long as he studied & worked, & saved. He has a LiSA he has paid into since 18 years old & has funded his own travelling. I agree he can do his own food shopping but as we do not need the income from him, I would rather he saved it instead & have amazing life experiences.

It’s an option that many parents take if they can afford it - charge adult children rent/keep as they need to learn to budget and prepare to live independently and pay their own way.

Once they have learnt these skills, and are ready to get on the housing ladder, parents may choose to help with a deposit/lump sum. It’s not compulsory. If adult child has been paying their own way for a period of some years, while saving to get on property ladder, then they will have no expectation of parent having saved their ‘rent’. They will have already learned the necessary adulting skills, giving them a one off lump sum for a specific reason isn’t going to make them revert to an entitled teen expecting parents to finance everything.

To reiterate, it’s not compulsory but it is something many parents choose to do if they are financially comfortable themselves.

Lol you are being financially exploitative

Did you read the son claims back this money from his employer so he should reimburse OP. He should not be getting it free from OP then charging his employer for the electricity.

The £350 my son pays me covers all food share of council tax and electricity bill plus water rates. I am on a modest income. Out of his £1800 net income he pays for his own treats own car and own mobile. For example booze ginger beer green tea he buys in bulk.

We both buy reconditioned mobiles anyway. Contracts are a rip off.

The £350 only just covers it these days. I don't expect to make a profit!

OP the issue and hard decision isn’t the money, it’s his level of disrespect for you both.

Kids will always think the amount they pay is unfair. The issue is his entitlement expecting you to do everything for him like you’re a house made. He has learnt that level of entitlement from you! You’ve enabled him and permitted it to happen. You say he will make a mess getting his own groceries. He doesn’t help around the house. You bail him out when times have been hard.

I think £500 is high. How old is he?

I would however be sitting down and telling him his contribution to the house hold needs to change. If it doesn’t he needs to leave and this time you won’t bail him out.

He won’t ever grow up if you don’t let him. He can clearly save and be frugal and he’s being quite horrible letting you pay his electric and cashing in from work. That’s just incredibly selfish!!

Of course he should buy his own luxury food otherwise he’s never going to understand the value of money and that chucking money away on expensive food items that aren’t great for health, environment or pocket isn’t great.