AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

@QuaintNewt do you like your DS? It doesn't sound like it from your posts.

I think you need to sit down with him and calmly have an adult conversation to find some middle ground.

The ‘later on’ is key, teach them to be responsible adults first. I have no issue with parents helping adult children with house deposits. There is a huge difference between supporting and enabling.

@Foxybyname

does liking someone mean you have to let them take the piss?

Its not real life though. You move out to a shared whatever you can afford, save, work, eventually you can buy something. Maybe, maybe not. I wouldn't have kids staying until they can afford to buy.
And a house? They dont have to move into a 3 bed new build as a first step.

After trial and error I finally found the coffee pods I liked.
I only buy them on Amazon Prime Days.
Drinking 3 cups a day, you’ll go through them rapidly if you live alone and wow - imagine living with 3 other people: mum, dad, son and son’s gf.
I don’t think asking somebody to contribute towards something they use so much of is in any way untoward.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable.
If they get their nose out of joint, lock up the extras and begin doling them out.
I bet they’ll offer to pay for an extra one in no time.
Or - they’ll buy their own - if, that is, they can figure out where you got them.

Definitely excessive. I got my own flat earlier this year, before that was living in a shared house. Double bedroom, own en suite, all bills included (although heating was rarely on!). I paid 450 a month for that and landlord was making a decent profit as well given there were 6 of us living there.

£500 is a lot especially if he has to pay his own phone bill and food on weekends too. As you say, you don't 'need' is as such

(Ps my parents charged me £200 a month full bed and board. I didn't struggle to understand that when I moved out things would be dearer. Not sure that making young adults pay more is actually preparing them for the real world. Most young adults aren't that dim)

It's not 'someone', it's her son!
And I didn't think it's the son that's taking the piss tbh.....

What?? Why???? The man is living there, using the utilities, charging his car (then claiming it back and not passing that on to the people paying the electricity bill), getting food paid for and prepared for him and his girlfriend, not respecting the household, doing nothing to contribute... and you think he should get his rent back? Hes not a child. Depending on where he lives, he would pay more than that rent for a houseshare then plus food and possibly utilities and council tax.
This epidemic of 20 somethings who can't possibly move out until they have a house deposit should stop. You're not doing the 'children' any favours.

So he doesn't pull his weight around the house, or in fact even clean up after himself! That would be the main issue.

I don't think £500 is excessive and would expect him to be buying any luxury food items, if your home staples are not good enough for him.

But being lazy domestically around the house - that's the main issue that needs addressing.

'the man'? You mean Op's son? Son.

It's not a houseshare though is it, it's the family home.

What about the epidemic of boomers and gen x who bought their houses for rock bottom prices decades ago and are now profiting from their own DC? 🤔

I also don’t get why it’s teaching DC anything by taking their money and then saving it?

DS1 knows much more about savings and investments than I do. He is perfectly capable of arranging his own bank accounts. Why on earth would I do it on his behalf? That is what is infantilising.

I think there might need to be a discussion to revisit exactly what his “rent”/board includes. His mobile was included but you’ve now asked him to take that over. Electricity is included but you now want him to pay to charge his EV.

But overall you are totally not being unreasonable, he is 23 years old and earning well and should be paying his own way. The groceries that you buy should be the normal family shop, and if he wants something different or extra then he should buy it.

He’s a 23 year old man. Why on earth is he still living with mum and dad, let alone expecting them to fund his stuff! He’s taking advantage.

Yeah.. im neither. Listen, do what you want. But young people are not going to be traumatised by living in shared accommodation to what they csn afford as we all did and fending for themselves.
Its difficult to get on the housing ladder yes dont I know it. But not impossible if you're working.

Then they probably didn’t smoke in your house when you asked them not to, leave a mess in the kitchen if they ever bothered to do any cooking, nor expect you to pay their takeaway even if you weren’t there.

£500 is a lot! He could definitely get a room in a shared house with bills for less than that where I am

Yanbu at all. He’s getting a bargain at £500 including meals and snacks. I bet if you work it out, he’s costing you around that much if you take into account all the share of utilities such as water and power he uses (esp charging his ev), food and drink he consumes and little bits such as extra toilet paper, soap, washing etc.
Let him know that if he thinks he can get a cheaper deal elsewhere, he’s welcome to try!

And food included for £500?! I doubt it. Op is paying for the majority of his food and drink as well as all the other expense of him living there.

I can't imagine my generous parents charging me for rent or anything else, but if that's the route you're going, maybe you should tell us what would be the cost if he were renting a room with a stranger, so we can compare.

Our DS is 22 and living back at home after uni. We charge him £200 a month which is his share of bills and food. We don’t charge rent as we don’t pay rent and our mortgage is paid off. It’s always been his home too so I wouldn’t feel comfortable charging him rent. If we were renting that would be a different situation. He’s earning roughly an average graduate salary and is saving, he’s fairly sensible with money, and having paid rent for the last 3 years he knows he’s getting a bargain!

I personally think £500 with the phone, coffee and pop is fair, that's probably covering a good chunk of your mortgage payment each month

personally I think £500 is a lot plus all the extra you want him to pay on top . You said you’re not short on money. Are you saving the money he gives you ? To give it back to him towards a deposit on his own house in the future.

Assuming OP is still paying a mortgage, why should she save the contribution from an earning adult in the house towards a deposit for him rather than reducing her own debt? Especially as she’s stated there’s £20k available towards a deposit already?

We have always made clear to our children that this is our family home and they will always be welcome to come home whenever needed.

I can understand asking for contribution towards their additional costs food, electric etc. but charging an arbitrary rent seems strange to me, would prefer they save the money so they can find their own place which is becoming harder for young people to do.