AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

I think £500 is a lot but I do think he should pay for coffee pods. Ds is 22 and moved out last month. He wasn't on a great salary as he was an intern (£14 an hour) and he paid about £150 a month - we are on universal credit. Ds is paying £480 for a house share now which includes all bills and a cleaner. His work has a subsidised canteen so he can get a 2 course meal for between £3 and £4. Ds is saving to buy a house eventually and his take home pay is about £2700 with his new job.

I think you’re charging quite a bit tbh.
i get it’s a life lesson but my parents never charged any of us anything like £500 and I don’t know any friends who paid that much.
I know on mn it’s the done thing but it sounds a lot to me. My mortgage on my house is only a bit more than that 😂 (yes I know it’s a small mortgage by current standards but still)

Stop funding the extras- including outings and most especially GF. Get him to sign a contract agreeing to basic house rules and extra contributions to power, food, heating, etc, as well as basic housekeeping - own clothes, bathroom and toilet, room clean, bed made and sheets and towels washed. (Chores done in a timely manner that doesn’t inconvenience other members of household.) Write in the contract that he will be given thirty day’s notice to vacate the premises if he gets three strikes.

I will never understand this aspect of British culture. I contributed to my family out of my own choice because they needed it in my twenties but never would I charge my child money if I didn’t need to.

£1800 salary after tax is a lot of money for most people. And £1300 a month to spend on whatever he likes, imagine that as a disposable income, most people could only dream!

Your doing the right thing, life is expensive! Or else he will get a massive shock when he moves out.

Couldn’t imagine charging my kids this if I was comfortable. Are you putting it away and saving it for him in a 5% interest acc would be a good idea

He's taking the piss, it's time for him to move out, pay his own way and if he gets himself in a bad position financially he needs to get himself out of it.

You're enabling him to be a huge man child, he isn't going to want to grow up and move out because he has it very good at home. Time to put yourself and your DH first.

It's not normalin Britain. I only encountered this behaviour from Surrey types. They put forks in their sugar bowls there.

When my late teen/early 20 son moved back in temporally he was trying to save money to get married and buy a property.i said he could live rent free as long as he as he saves, but that we would feed him. However I did stipulate he himself would have to pay for his social life and his ‘luxury’ items I.e like expensive aftershave, expensive brand deodorant (what’s wrong with dove roll on? He accepted this and save quite a lot. He had a short term job in sainsbury and worked one day a week in a charity shop when I offered to pay for any good quality clothes he found.

he has grown up to be an admirable, responsible family man with his own house, two lovely children and a nice sensible wife

Not relevant to the son, but ditch the coffee pods and buy a fully automatic bean to cup machine.

You can get them for as little as £300 and it would pay for itself in a few months.

Whilst I agree he should be buying his own luxury items on a food shop if he wants them. I think £500 for him to live at home with you is excessive, and you will be profiting from him. If he was mine I’d want to be able to help him save as much as he can as a helping start for him to purchase his own place so would only charge minimal.

A lot of people saying they would never charge their own children rent/ keep but it depends so much on the child regardless of whether the parent can easily afford to support them. If the child is genuinely saving for a mortgage or cant afford to move out into shared accommodation thats one thing...but if they are living at home and spending spare money on socialising, treats for themselves etc. while not paying any rent surely this is just extending adolescence. I cant help but wonder how many are genuinely saving up to move out.

I was thinking about this a few weeks back as my niece (mid 20s) was due to move into a rented flat with her BF but decided against it...I think she already had concerns but she got the 'ick' because of how mollycoddled her boyfriend was....he lived at home 'rent free' and his parents justified this by saying it was so he could save for a mortgage ...but he didnt look like someone saving for a mortgage..spending 100s on going to festivals, holidays, out every weekend, mum doing his washing.

If I had a child that was genuinely saving to buy or to move out, id want to help them..and one way to do this would be to not ask for a contribution while they are living at home...but if they were living an extended adulthood..spending a money on going out etc. I'd feel I was enabling rather than helping and maybe depriving them of that period in the 20s where living independently can, while being accompanied by money-worries, be amazing (well, when you look back). I left home and struggled financially but had fun living with friends etc. while my brother paid a peppercorn rent to my parents up until he was 30...he now says he wished they'd chucked him out.

I think taking £500 from your own kid for rent when you're not struggling financially is wild.
How is he supposed to save to get on the housing ladder? Unless you're saving that £500 for him to give him back for a deposit?
I'm shocked tbh.

Can he not save anything from the spare £1300 income he has leftover?

Agree, I don't know anybody that would charge their kids this much to live in their family home.

In principle YANBU to expect him to pay for things, however I do think £500 Is quite steep, when you don’t need that money. I can’t imagine that it actually reflects the increased costs to you of him living there… so I’d say reduce the monthly amount but make him pay extra for all those things.

What does he want to do with his money instead of giving it to you? Save it or piss it up the wall on hobbies and socialising?

he’s getting a very good deal for £500/m. Perhaps give him a view of what the true cost of things is (mortgage/rent, energy, food bills etc). Work out how much his EV costs to charge if you’ve not sure already.

On the pods etc - I’d not buy anything that wouldn’t go in your weekly shop if he wasn’t there.

I suspect he doesn’t see himself as being independent and maybe doesn’t understand why he’s having to pay to be part of the household he was never having to pay for before! But - life as an adult doesn’t work like that. Have him also look around to see what moving out would cost - it’s a lot more than £500 all in.

he also doesn’t sound like a very good or responsible housemate.

There appear to be two distinctly different aspects to your dilemma OP. The first issue is regarding how much rent to charge and honestly there really is no correct answer despite the outrage being directed your way. As you are not financially stretched at this point, the more important aspect is your son’s attitude; his rudeness, lack of gratitude and downright contempt for your rules would worry and annoy me far more. There would be no deposits handed over until the attitude altered significantly.

@Foxybyname

he should be living in a houseshare though. Sounds like it would do him good and give him some independence. No mummy around to clean up after him and buy him his coffee pods

If the OP's son thinks he can get a better accommodation deal for £500 a month, he's free to move out. That's what I'd be saying to him, OP.

From the 1300 of remaining take home pay, per chance?

He could give up smoking. That’s an expensive hobby.

The op has said they'll give 10k for a depost plus another rel may add to that which suggests they are not short so taking £500 from a ds earning £1800 seems grabby then wondering if we should buy his own coffee!

I mean yes get him to do something towards housework but taking a massive chunk from his salary would seem rather greedy.

I think that’s a reasonable deal.

Have him go and find out prices of living on his own. He will soon realise that’s a bargain.

I think the closest in my area that I can get with bills included is £1000 a month and my food and transportation would be extra.

The real problem is though that the OPs son is NOT going to contribute to the household, she has already said asking him to do so isn't worth the aggro he gives back, this is already a conversation the OP has had with him. She even said he doesn't do his own cooking because he won't clean up after himself and the OP and her DH have to do it.

I think £500 for all bills, roof over your head, personal chef, maid and takeaways is a great deal, when can I move in OP? 😁