I’m cheating what to do

[ashamedclown]

Hi all. For the last couple of years I have realised fallen out of love with my DH. We’ve been married for twenty five years and got married in our late teens and we both came from religious households (I am no longer religious myself). We have three children together (19, 17, and 16). I don’t hate him but I just no longer can stand being around him. I am ashamed but for the last nine months I have been having an affair. He’s not in a relationship and he is generous and kind. He says now that I have to tell my husband about us so that we can officially get together but this would mean admitting to what I’ve done. I don’t know my children or parents would react to me having done something so horrible. What should I do?

What do you want to do?
Do you want to a) leave your husband and be with the affair guy?
b) Stay with your husband and leave the affair guy?
c) Carry on having an affair behind your husbands back?
The option you choose will determine what you do next. If its:
a) Honesty and facing the conseuences is the only viable option.
b) Say nothing,end things with affair guy ,bearing in mind the truth will probably out and your chances of staying with husband may be ruined.
Be honest and beg forgiveness from your husband, bearing in mind he may not wish to stay with you.
c) This option may result in the affair guy outing you to your husband or ending things with you.
or you may get away with it but live in fear/uncertanty and possibly guilt,
Honestly,honesty is the best policy because you are in control of it rather than being at the mercy of others.
Think very carefully about your marriage,your family,the affair and most importantly what you want to do,because whatever you decide it will have consequences for you and others involved.

How are some of you defending this terrible person?
Cheating on a partner is awful, no matter how they try to defend themselves.

Imagine if it was her husband having the affair? Would you all be supportive then?

Tell your husband what you have done, if you want to continue to be with hubby then fight for it. If you don't want to then grab some clothes and walk out the family home. Yes, this is YOUR fault, face up to the consequences.

Be very careful with your new bloke though, he is also in the wrong for shagging a married woman....

All the best with it, hope the kids and family take it as well as they can

Still shocked how people think this is ok.... :)
.

Exactly this. 👏

I "cheated" twice and have been married for 20 years.

The priority here is about what's best for everyone long term, not punishing OP or weaponising her children to that end.

Obviously, she needs to end the affair. It's wrong. And if she really is that unhappy in her marriage and it's not fixable, she needs to end that. Then, perhaps, if they both still want to, she can restart the relationship with the other guy, although I'm not sure he sounds fantastic either. But it's not about "do this because you deserve punishment".

I think it's about time you let your husband go to find someone who will love and appreciate him. I would tell you that you should own up to what you've done and be held accountable because that is what you deserve. However as someone who was cheated on by their ex, when I found out it shattered my self confidence and I really struggled to come back from that until I eventually accepted that it had little to do with me but everything to do with who he was as a person and I feel it would have been better for me if he'd have just said "This isn't working for me anymore and I don't love you anymore so I'm ending the relationship" or words to that effect.

On the other hand he does also have the right to know if he's at risk of disease because you cheated. So what I think you should do is, stop having sex with your affair partner for the full amount of time it takes for any new diseases to show up (think it's 6 weeks but I could be wrong so check with your local sexual health clinic) get a full STI screening for everything possible then if it's negative, just end the marriage and not tell him (for his sake not yours) but if you show positive for anything you are just going to have to tell him and take your accountability.

You need to have a long think about what exactly it is you want. Do you actually want to be with your AP? Do you still love your husband? If you are truly that unhappy in your marriage, then end it, but don't end it because of your AP. My advice would be: end your marriage, end the affair, take some time being on your own. An affair is exciting, it takes you away from the mundane of life and your unhappiness. Once you have to start the mundane life with an AP, suddenly that's not as exciting, and it quickly fades.

Ffs MN is the only place I get called cool because I am ok with my DH having female friends and here are you lot telling OP she isn't necessarily a bad person for cheating, her DH doesn't have a right to know and all sorts of other stuff. A bit of consistency wouldn't go amiss in getting sensible answers.
OP if you have moved from being friends with the OM to a physical relationship then you need to end your marriage
If you are still at the friendship stage then take a step back and think very carefully about what you want. Why you have fallen out of love and can it be resolved.

It's easy to take the moral high ground when you don't know the people involved but real life isn't that simple.

"Imagine if it was her husband having the affair?"

Who is to say it isn't. The OP hasn't said much about what kind of husband he is. Perhaps he is loving and trusting and she is completely in the wrong.

But perhaps he is an alcoholic abuser. Perhaps he has had a string of affairs. Quite frankly, there are many husbands out there who would be in no position to be a victim of it turned out their partner was having an affair.

One should not race to judgement quicker than they race to empathy.

Hi mum 👋

Be warned it’s likely you will also lose B+SILs and nieces+ nephews on his side, plus any mutual friends who side with the wronged party.

What you’ve done could have huge repercussions for the future with your DC. My DM didn’t come to my wedding because my DF still won’t be in the same place as her.

What you’ve done is incredibly selfish.

You are absolutely entitled to be happy, and if that means divorce then so be it, but betraying your partner and lying to everyone is not ok. I was 26 (living independently) when my DM’s affair was discovered and I still felt like she had betrayed all of us, not just my dad.

Why don't you do what most cheats do, leave then pretend the fling is a new relationship 6 months later to avoid inconvenient disapproval?

Be prepared for him to cheat on you with the next desperate woman at the gym though.

Ok, but if a man posted on here saying what the OP had said, he wouldn't be getting any of these 'you go girl' responses.

this would mean admitting to what I’ve done. I don’t know my children or parents would react to me having done something so horrible. What should I do?

Admit what you've done and deal with it. You've already done the horrible thing and are compounding it now by lying about it. There is no way to leave your DH and be with this guy (or ideally be on your own if you're wiser about things) and pretend like the horrible thing never happened and you're still who they thought you were. There was a right way to do this and it was leaving your DH first, but you didn't, so own it and don't prolong the lying and cheating any longer.

MN isn't the place to ask- takes a very black and white view of cheating.

However lying to your husband and children for nine months is not okay, and you know that.

Regardless of whether or not you've fallen out of love with him, he's your partner and the father of your kids, and deserves to know the truth so he has all the facts. And more than that, if you don't love him anymore and want to be with other men, you should end it with him. It's the fairest thing for both of you.

MN takes a very black and white view about men cheating on their wives. It is far less judgemental of women who cheat.

End things with your Husband. You don’t need to tell anyone about the new guy. After a few months, you can announce that you’ve met someone new.

Another vote for own up and then own it. I guess what is scaring you is having to take responsibility for your actions and the resulting fall out: divorce, house sale and move etc. Unless you’re prepared to end the affair and work on your marriage, those are your options, assuming an open marriage isn’t for you/DH. Whatever your decision, continuing to lie would be the worst course of action.

If you don’t tell your husband there’s a chance your other man will. How do you feel about that?

That would massively depend on whether the wife was an alcoholic abuser or had gone through a string of her own affairs, or something similar.

There was a post just before Christmas from a woman who was upset her husband wanted to leave her, and it turned out she hadn't slept with him in years despite his advances, and she was otherwise happy in the relationship.

She got slaughtered on here for it.

Cheating always hurts and potentially damages those involved, especially children. So stop now. Either confess and leave your husband or stay with him, look at him as he is, NOT in the light of the other man and consider all those other things which make a marriage. Does anyone stay "in love"? Doesn't that evolve into something else, maybe deeper and stronger. Be honest with yourself. That could be tough.

I can absolutely imagine how terrifying it is but you just have to do it.

Something needs to give, doesn't it.
End your affair (or at least pause it) and end your marriage.
Get out of your marriage, work out what that looks like,

You know what, your children aren't young and you only get one life. Just finish things with your husband and pursue happiness.

Where’s your gym?