Letting status anxiety stop me from making friends at DC school

[Namechanger67]

Will try to summarise this as much as possible. Have NC for this.

We live in a super wealthy area near London but we are not super wealthy. We have a good income and we have recently managed to buy our first 2 bed property (a garden flat) after a decade of saving. We are in our 40s.

DD is 5 and she goes to a local school. Because the area is mainly populated by very wealthy families, a lot of her school friends live in beautiful, expensive houses. We are talking 1 mil + price point. Ours was half of that.
Now, a decent human being doesn’t judge and shouldn’t care but I cannot help a sense of shame and embarrassment when it comes to playdates. I never want to be the one inviting people over first but of course then I do feel I have to reciprocate if they invite us and this gives me a lot of anxiety. How do I overcome that and is anyone ever in the same situation?

i am not from the UK and grew up low income (although we had everything we needed and my parents paid for my uni til the end so I was lucky in that sense). Our house was always the smallest and we couldn’t afford many things. I think this has never fully left me fully and even though we now have a decent income that is way above national average, I cannot ever shake this feeling (doesn’t help that we live where we live I guess).

I really hate myself for this and wish I didnnt care :(

If they care about the size of your house, they aren’t the sort of people you want to hang out with anyway.

Why did you do it though?

What's the point in living in a wealthy area when you're not as wealthy as the others, and it gives you 'status anxiety'?

Sell up and move before you end up seriously affecting your child by passing on the same anxiety to her.

And did you not consider any of this before you bought the house?

Really don’t worry about it. It’s the norm for most parts of London and what makes it great - most people rub along fine. It would be a shame for your daughter to miss out on play dates and making friends due to your hang ups. Just invite the children over or arrange play dates at local parks or museums then go to a pizza place for tea.

I don’t own my home. Would you judge me?

With respect stop worrying about this. Play dates can actually be better on neutral turf not family homes, soft play etc.

We have lived in this area for a long time. It is pretty, safe, has great schools and a great train line which is perfect for my commute. We are right on the border with an area that is densely populated with apartment blocks (which is where we used to live) but when we have bought our place we moved "to the other side" which is mainly lovely houses with a few maisonettes (like ours).
It isn't as easy to move away when your life is settled, DC was in nursery, we have friends, we love the area and I have a great commute.

So move somewhere you’re considered the rich ones. Or get over it tbh. You’re making your own issue.

Of course not. And I am sure they wouldn't judge me either. This is less about them and more about me having a problem tbh

What is there to be ashamed about? You don’t earn / have as much money as they do. That’s just objective, not some sort of moral affront or personal failing. Even if any of the parents think about it at all, what have you got to be ashamed of about them thinking “Namechanger doesn’t have a house as expensive as ours”? I don’t visit friends and acquaintances in bigger more expensive / smaller less expensive homes and think anything in particular at all. I’ve made my choices and am very happy with them.

You need to grow confidence in your choices and your lifestyle. Your home (presumably) isn’t dirty or dangerous or anything else that can provoke meaningful judgement. Don’t let your feelings ruin opportunities for either you or DC to make new friendships.

Was it ‘status anxiety’ that prompted you to spend £0.5m on a small flat in an upmarket area? I assume you chose the area because you feel there are advantages for your child? We bought a 4 bed in a ‘mixed’ area for £200k. Our poor children have to mix with riff raff but we’ve got room to spread out and we are never the poor ones in the school playground. I can recommend it!

Well I was expecting some more sympathy from this post. It obv isn't easy to just "get over it" as otherwise I would have done this already, don't you think?

You ended up settling for a flat when you could've bought a house in the 'not so wealthy side'.

That's fine and your choice but there's no point in moaning about 'status anxiety' now, is there?

You did what you did with eyes wide open but the most important thing is you don't pass this onto your DD.

Maybe get some therapy then if you find you cannot get over it. Only your own mind is making you anxious about this so only you can change how your mind works.

You are a well off person in an expensive part of one of the richest countries in the world. Recognise that.

Where do you live? You can't even get a studio flat with £200K in most parts of London and commuting towns nearby. So 0.5 mil is really not unusual for first time buyers in this part of the country, just look at the stats.

I was that kid (albeit at Secondary school). My friends lived in one of the wealthiest villages in the south East and has multi-million pound houses. Huge. Three of them lived on vastly expensive private roads.

My mates loved coming to my 3 bed terrace in the local ‘ordinary’ town house as teens - they just didn’t care.

Try to forget about it.

This, you live in a flat worth over half a million pounds and are ashamed of it?

I would never, ever judge someone for the size or style of their house - as long as it’s not filthy or unsafe then it’s fine!!

TBH I would be much more likely to judge you for not reciprocating playdates. Well not judge exactly but assume that your child just doesn’t like mine all that much. (Unless there are obvious practical reasons for not hosting like you work FT or have a baby & toddler!)

Please don’t let your house stop you from inviting kids round if your DC want you to.

It really is as straightforward as ‘get over it’. Just tell yourself it doesn’t matter and remind yourself every single time the thought pops into your head. You’ll change your way of thinking. Basic CBT innit.

It is though. You've already identified that the anxiety is baseless, so now the next step is to ignore it.

Acknowledge it exists, and then do the thing that its stopping you from doing anyway.

My school catchment is very, very mixed and my kids have friends from all sorts of homes and backgrounds. It would never occur to me to think about this when asking for a play date and my kids are and out in all sorts of homes. I would say though that the friends who live in small flats and share a bedroom with a sibling tend to have outside play dates - take the kids to the park or bowling or something. Hopefully mostly for the other child’s benefit (I know my son’s one friend shares a room with his sister and his dad works nights so they don’t love hosting). I have kids round loads and some don’t reciprocate and that’s fine too.

We left London and career opportunities for somewhere cheaper but with sea and beautiful countryside. These things are more important for our family than status. It’s not a well off area but it’s safe, great community, near popular holiday area. Luckily ‘status anxiety’ is one type of anxiety I don’t have. Hard to sympathise with you when you made a conscious choice to spend a huge amount of money to prioritise living in an upmarket area. Fair enough you work hard for the privilege but it is a choice.

I don't think you live in London or nearby towns if you have written this comment?

Come on... you have done well.
Move if you want to be a bigger fish in your neighbourhood

It isn't so easy to just pack everything and move where you want to. That itself is a form of privilege too.

Our jobs are tied to London, I couldn't make a living if I moved to a different part of the country.

I also definitely don't want to as I am not British and London and surrounding areas are the only place I want to live in whilst staying in this country - fully personal choice of course!

Living in London, the wealthy ones will be aware that there are people in all types of housing, from palaces to tents on the street. The wealthy ones might not have grown up wealthy.

I see it here (rural village, mixed housing). There are some snooty ones who judge others, but most people just accept others' circumstances. Find those types to be friends with - getting along and finding common ground and values should be at the forefront, not wondering how many bedrooms you have. So long as kitchen and bathroom aren't filthy then you'll be fine. You might well go to someone's posh house and find their bathroom is disgusting! as I did