Letting status anxiety stop me from making friends at DC school

[Namechanger67]

Will try to summarise this as much as possible. Have NC for this.

We live in a super wealthy area near London but we are not super wealthy. We have a good income and we have recently managed to buy our first 2 bed property (a garden flat) after a decade of saving. We are in our 40s.

DD is 5 and she goes to a local school. Because the area is mainly populated by very wealthy families, a lot of her school friends live in beautiful, expensive houses. We are talking 1 mil + price point. Ours was half of that.
Now, a decent human being doesn’t judge and shouldn’t care but I cannot help a sense of shame and embarrassment when it comes to playdates. I never want to be the one inviting people over first but of course then I do feel I have to reciprocate if they invite us and this gives me a lot of anxiety. How do I overcome that and is anyone ever in the same situation?

i am not from the UK and grew up low income (although we had everything we needed and my parents paid for my uni til the end so I was lucky in that sense). Our house was always the smallest and we couldn’t afford many things. I think this has never fully left me fully and even though we now have a decent income that is way above national average, I cannot ever shake this feeling (doesn’t help that we live where we live I guess).

I really hate myself for this and wish I didnnt care :(

Honestly, no one cares!

#Namechanger67
I just can't sympathise with someone who has spent half a million pounds on a 2 bed flat and is having status anxiety about it.
Dear God.
You live and work in London, so go and find one of the many homeless people on the streets and talk to them. Listen to their story. Might make you reflect on your home a little differently.
You are everything I despise about modern day obsession with materialism.

Your home sounds lovely OP, and big well done for getting on the property ladder. You should feel proud and a sense of achievement for getting there :) I dream of being able to afford to buy my place.

I'm in the SE (in a rented property) and my/my DC's friends are from all walks of life. Some insanely rich, others not. I remember one of my DC's friends thought that we were really rich - I'm a single parent and a nurse in the NHS (so definitely not!), but we're more fortunate than many: safe home, I can afford the bills, we have what we need, there's plenty of food in the house. But then I remember meeting up with some of my friends years ago, and one was talking about the progress of their kitchen renovation - which cost close to double my annual salary!!

My DCs (and their friends) don't care about house size etc. My friends don't either :) Growing up (also not from UK), my family was wealthy, and my parents would have hung me out to dry if I looked down on other people because of house/car/job etc.

It's all swings and roundabouts though. If someone is judging me on my place/my job/my bank balance then they're not worth knowing. I don't have what some of my wealthier friends have, but my friends (and my DC's friends) know that they're always welcome at my place, it's a safe space. It's not unusual to find a whole bunch of DC's friends all crowded into my tiny front room just chilling out, or stopping off to say hello on their way back from work or school. To me, that's priceless :) I think that's the way to look at it, rather than "status".

In Sociology, this is called ‘habitus’. It means you internalise norms, attitudes and cultural markers from your social class, its starts from very early childhood, and it is all learned before we are even conscious of it, it feels entirely natural rather than something social, or learned - it can be incredibly difficult to overcome, as those examples demonstrate.

I think it’s your background which has made you like this. I grew up very poor and never invited school friends back as I was too embarrassed-they had normal families and I didn’t sit wasn’t just poverty. So I think that feeling never quite leaves you. It’s time to get with some rational thinking. Recognise your anxiety as noise left over from childhood and invite your friends. They really won’t care. When I lived in London, I mixed with all classes and incomes if people like you, they like you. What will cause sneers and sniggers is any hint of you feeling lesser because you live in a flat. Be proud you’ve got that and your lovely family and invite your friends.

I'm now singing "Let me take you by the hand and lead you through the streets of London" 🤣

ETA: But I completely agree.

That's so interesting. Thank you for that. When I was training, there was a lot of talk about cultural capital which made a lot of sense.

Well some would say that a £1 million+ home isn’t very wealthy. Very wealthy is living in a £5million+ home…. I don’t believe that but if anyone dared to judge I’d make a remark to that effect!

Lots of people in this thread commenting on “why would you live there” clearly know nothing about London. Ignore them.

Of course it’s not easy to move, no one is saying that

People are just suggesting that you did have choices here, even if none were easy, and that you recognise your own choices brought you here

Accept your choice and the reasons you made it, and move forward. Or make a different choice if you really can’t live with it. You can’t make a choice knowing the probable consequences, and then expect the world to change to accommodate you

ive put you are not been unresnable, your feelings are valid

what you might want to do is always remember that you have a lovely home, hopefully a happy relationships - which many would swap in a heart beat for the expansive house...

Make friends and stop worrying about what they are thinking, its you they want to be friends with not your material wealth. If they are concerned about your home and bank balance - avoid

Habitus and cultural capital come from the same sociologist, Pierre Bourdieu. They’re part of the same framework basically, one I find very useful in my own work.

My son went out with a girl who lived in the (mansion) next to David Beckham but the parents were happy for her to come and stay with us in our little 3 bed semi . I never gave it a thought .

I think the only way to get over it is to get on with it. I totally get where you're coming from.
One of my teens girlfriends are low income, both parents on benefits, tiny, dusty house. My son has a dust allergy and can't spend time there. I don't care about that but see maybe why she basically lives here half of the time. Not that mine is huge but it is clean.

Another of my teens girlfriends live in a 400k house. Tucked away, has land, is huge. Her bedroom is bigger than mine and mine is pretty big. My teen has a box room. I did used to think she might feel like she's coming to a hovel... But the fact that she's here most days also, it's absolutely fine. It is what it is. My house is clean and tidy. All the kids have fun and love spending time here.

TLDR: your home is your home. The size or value is irrelevant. So long and it's clean and welcoming, let the friends come. I remember going to friends houses when I was younger and some were absolutely gross. Mouldy cups of half drunk coffee on the landing window sill. Stuck of cigar smoke. Another always stunk of deep fat fryers and was dusty. It didn't bother me at the time but it's only the cleanliness I remember now. Try to relax your home anxiety, face your fears and regarding the friendships, what will be, will be.

I completely get this. We live in an expensive area just outside of London in a modest two bed flat. I often feel people will judge me as most live in a house and have far more wealth. I’ve come to learn that if people judge me then that’s on them and I would rather not know them. We could also move to a small house in the area but the size would likely be smaller for double the mortgage.

For those asking why don’t you move, it just happened we moved to an area with excellent schools when we first bought (pre kids). My commute is 30 mins to central London and the area is safe, green and has a lovely feel to it. It’s now our home. A house isn’t everything and having somewhere my son can thrive in school and an area we feel safe is so important, while also being able to get to work in a reasonable time and have so much on our doorstep. We all have different priorities.

Absolutely don’t let it stop you. We are the other side of the scale. We are the better off ones amongst our dc’s group of friends. Everyone who comes to drop off comments, wow, look at your house! Or oh your house is so big! Do you really own this? 🙈 it’s awkward (I’d never remark about how small someone’s house was when dropping off for a playdate 😂).

I do offer to collect from school and drop back off to avoid this situation. But truly my dc go over to friends who live in much smaller houses, in much less ‘naice’ areas than us, who live with grandparents, aunts and uncles, whatever. Would never cross their minds or mine to turn our noses up at anyone. They just want to see their friends!

OP you’re getting a hard time from some.
Many have no idea what it’s like to be foreign, from a poor background or forever an outsider - or even worse, all three!

Of course this clouds your worldview and confidence.

Ignore all the disapproval about status anxiety. It is a very British past time. It’s just not very British to admit it.

On the plus side, you will be judged less harshly by ALL classes as a foreigner (especially in London) as they don’t know where to slot you on the social scale. Make the most of being the exotic one! I’ve discovered this a bit late in life and wish I’d made it my strength rather than trying to fit in badly all the time.

OP, I suggest you look at "imposter syndrome". It's quite common, especially amongst women

Children will notice whether houses are larger or smaller. But their priorities are fund, kindness and biscuits, not house values!

I might live in the same place as you and I wouldn’t think twice about it. I would just be pleased that you had made the effort to reach out and organise a play date. Like pp, I would be more bothered if you didn’t reciprocate, incase it meant you didn’t like me or DC.

It tends not to exist in all areas but in more affluent areas (Cambridge for example) it's this uncomfortable feeling created by people acting in an 'affected' manner. It's a sort of weird atmosphere that exists in certain places such as Waitrose in Cambridge (but not Waitrose in Ely).

It's a natural discomfort at feeling lower down in the hierarchy - not because you yourself feel that you are less than, but because you know others are thinking it. Those people can be avoided if you don't have children.

Same! I wonder if we live in the same area!

I wondered the same! It’s so hard because I’m British and my husband is foreign, so in some ways it’s harder because I feel more judged being British. In my husband’s culture living in an apartment is the norm.

When I was growing up we lived in a fairly standard 3 bed semi. One of my best friends lived in a huge house on a leafy private road (probably about 6-7 bedrooms with a huge garden and tennis court). My other best friend lived above the local fish and chip shop as her parents owned it!

Other friends lived in everything in-between (council houses, old style terraced rows....).

I can't say that for even one moment we even cared about where anyone else lived. We had just as much fun in the flat above the chippy as we did in our friends massive back garden (probably more fun in fact as my friends parents were always downstairs working so we usually had the flat to ourselves 😂)

Genuinely, kids just do not care.

Focus on the kids friendships OP, not the house. I have experience in this, one friend lives in a small house, 2 rich kids live in mansions. All I hear is the usual friendship fall outs and being besties again, Taylor Swift and hug-a-lumps.
Kids don't care, so don't bring attention to it.
One came in when they were 7 and asked where the rest of the house was 🤪.
It actually took me by surprise as hadn't given it much thought and I laughed and said this is all of it.

Interesting seeing their puzzled little face, but that's life.

We all still laugh about it, 15 years later as they're still friends.

I grew up in a country where social class isn't really a thing so I'm blissfully ignorant to it even now, after 20 years in the UK. Obviously I understand that there are vastly different levels of wealth but it's never really mattered to me or DC because we focus on whether the people are prats or not. 😁

Kids don't care anyway. My DC have friends from megabucks houses (one lives in a castle haha) and council flats and everywhere in between. They go on play dates to those houses where they can piss around in peace. And if there is a screen of some sort they're usually pretty happy. Once we went to a friend's house and the house was absolutely epic, and the kids were in one of the bedrooms feeding coins to an old teddy bear. Could not care less about the house. 🥹

My house is small and not glamorous compared to some of the houses in my area, but kids are always asking to come over because they have a nice time here. I'm not a super host either but I provide some snacks and have a laugh with the kids so they're happy.