Letting status anxiety stop me from making friends at DC school

[Namechanger67]

Will try to summarise this as much as possible. Have NC for this.

We live in a super wealthy area near London but we are not super wealthy. We have a good income and we have recently managed to buy our first 2 bed property (a garden flat) after a decade of saving. We are in our 40s.

DD is 5 and she goes to a local school. Because the area is mainly populated by very wealthy families, a lot of her school friends live in beautiful, expensive houses. We are talking 1 mil + price point. Ours was half of that.
Now, a decent human being doesn’t judge and shouldn’t care but I cannot help a sense of shame and embarrassment when it comes to playdates. I never want to be the one inviting people over first but of course then I do feel I have to reciprocate if they invite us and this gives me a lot of anxiety. How do I overcome that and is anyone ever in the same situation?

i am not from the UK and grew up low income (although we had everything we needed and my parents paid for my uni til the end so I was lucky in that sense). Our house was always the smallest and we couldn’t afford many things. I think this has never fully left me fully and even though we now have a decent income that is way above national average, I cannot ever shake this feeling (doesn’t help that we live where we live I guess).

I really hate myself for this and wish I didnnt care :(

I think you are being given a really hard time here OP. Especially by people who don’t get what it’s like in London.

I totally understand where you are coming from. DH, three and a half year old DS and I live in a decent sized two bed flat in zone 2 in north east london.
DH and I are mid to late 40s, met later in life and bought our place seven years ago.
We imagined we might try to upgrade in 5-10 years but it’s not possible and our flat is fine for what we actually need.

I wondered when DS went to nursery if everyone else would live in big houses. They just don’t. Granted a few do, but there are also parents with kids in a one bed flat, some in similar size flats to us, some rent. Everyone is different.

We tend to do paydays outside or on neutral territory. You don’t have to have people in your house if you’re not comfortable. But I can almost guarantee no one is judging you. If they are then they aren’t the kind of people you want to hang out with anyway.

I think you are over thinking this - decent people just want their child to be happy and if they like you and your child and being with you and your child is going to make their child happy ... they won't care about the size of your home.

Also, your child is 5 and soon they will be going to playdates without you.

You also don't need to reciprocate - people very rarely reciprocate. There are some families that don't mind the intrusion and expense of hosting playdates if it makes their kids happy and they tend to have more playdates. Some families don't have the space or time for playdates and no one bothers that they don't reciprocate.

So long as you don’t hoard and your house is clean and safe then your home won’t matter.

@Namechanger67 i don't judge the different houses/ flats I've been to for playdates ( except if they're dirty - I hate if the bathroom is dirty!!) but I do notice if playdates aren't reciprocated.

Try not to worry. I'm sure your flat must be gorgeous if it was 500k, and lots of people will not care at all if it's smaller than their home. the ones who do care are obviously best avoided anyway.

Id also be gutted if someone felt anxious/ uncomfortable around me because my home was bigger than theirs. I grew up in a tiny house, I stored all my clothes in a suitcase under my bed, I shared a bedroom with two siblings (including my baby brother) until I was 14, my older brother slept in the garage (he did have a bed, and electricity!) my house now is so fancy by comparison, but I myself am far from fancy!!

I also agree with @ittakes2 you don't have to reciprocate. I notice who does and who doesn't, but I know people have lots of reasons for not wanting to host. Honestly, I think just assume the best of people. Mostly I think people aren't judging you . They just want you to be nice to them, and that's what they notice

OP I think you just have to “fake it till you make it”. I hate that phrase, but in this situation I think it’s all you can do. You’ve obviously got some deep-seated issues about wealth and status, and they won’t disappear overnight. All you can really do is put a brave face on and pretend you’re absolutely fine with the situation.

And gradually, as the years go by, you’ll learn that money doesn’t equal happiness, and plenty of people who you think are judging you might actually be envious of you.

You never know what’s going on in people's lives, and actually your “status anxiety” is also a form of prejudice.

This is a little odd as not everyone will be wealthy at the school as there will be others like you.

Plus many will go private in a few years.

Just remember anywhere else other than london that would buy you a 4/5 bed with a decent sized garden. Prespective.

Also not from the UK so certain UK classisms are fairly bizarre to me but, kindly OP, if anyone is going to judge you because you dont have XYZ or where you live, fuck them and find nicer friends! You can make any kind of home a warm and welcoming environment that your DC will want to bring friends home to, the size really is not that important. My fondest memories of visiting friends houses as kids weren't the kids with the biggest houses but for eg the kids who's mum's would cook them fresh cookies or brownies for afternoon tea or hot cocoa with marshmallows on a rainy day. My best friend as a child was Indian and she lived in a tiiiiny flat but I absolutely loved visiting her family because her mum was so welcoming and kind and she was a fantastic cook 😉

I’m in a wealthy area in London and my DC went to the local primary. In a primary class, there will be children who live in large houses, small houses, flats, tiny flats, even studios, and very many will be council tenants. It’s very normal for London, so I wouldn’t worry.

I do think it’s a thing but you also need to get over it and make peace with your decisions eg smaller house for a better area.

We moved some time ago from an a part of London that had become very expensive. I didn’t want to stay in a flat and houses were completely out of reach. so we moved to a different part of London. I feel a lot more comfortable here tbh as my old area had changed so much. There are still affluent people here but it’s more mixed as opposed to everyone living in 1.8m houses, with 2nd homes, dc in private secondary etc it’s more diverse too which I think is good for my dc.

OP, I live in a similar area - even down to the blocks of flats on one side of the road/border and the big houses in the other. I think you're getting a hard time.

DCs school takes children from both parts of our area. We now live in one of those big nice expensive houses, and maybe people think we always have done, but DH and I both grew up in pretty modest places, in pretty modest families and DH's family actually had a lot of financial instability in parts of his childhood. Which is to say, we aren't judging anyone.

One reason why we put our DC in the state school is so that they have friends from different backgrounds. To be clear, this isn't about "collecting" working class friends, or using people as a "learning tool." Its that I want them to be part of their whole community, to implicitly know that wealth isn't a proxy for being good people, and that they have things in common and shared joy with people who have different lives to them. I'm glad my DC have friends who take three skiing holidays and friends whose parents rent flats, because all of those children and their families are nice, warm people who are kind to my DC.

Some people probably will judge your small flat. Most won't. Most will also know that even a flat that size in your area means that you are probably bringing in two substantial professional salaries. Try not to let it get in your head and just invite kids over for the playdate.

Don’t be intimidated by others. Lots of people are leveraged to the hilt with loans and mortgages it doesn’t mean they are actually wealthy even if they live in a larger property and it certainly doesn’t make them happier!

Make the most of the area you live in, make friends if you wish with your DC friends parents but you don’t have to. Kids coming to play just want to have fun and some nice food.

My dds used to sometimes make friends with someone with a much bigger house. Bigger than the norm for the school. It didn't bother me as I took the attitude that anyone who would look down on someone because of their house wasn't worth knowing. In fact I never got the impression the parents did look down on me as they seemed more interested in mine and dds' personalities than our wealth. Occasionally a child would make an innocent comment about our garden being small or something. It is though and kids say what they see. I never took offence.

Chances are most of those wealthy parents grew up in homes exactly the same as yours. The majority won't care at all. The minority that do care aren't worth befriending. If the children are friends then they will be more than happy to do playdates and parties.

However the truth is that school parent friendships tend to stay at a "close colleague friendly" level. It's rare that a wealthy family will actively become incredibly close personal friends with other parents of their kids friends, particularly if they come from a different socio-economic class and/or culture. You will notice that they're very friendly during the school year and happily reciprocate play dates or take part in parties, but they have their own life outside the school. As soon as the holidays start, they're off skiing or visiting grandparents in the countryside or going on holidays with friends you've never met. You need to accept that and form friendships around the children rather than blindly believing that class doesn't exist so everyone is equal.

Eg. A rich parent may clock that your home isn't the fanciest when she's visiting and it won't bother her the slightest in the context of a playdate. However when she's organising a ski holiday with the other wealthy mums to some 5* hotel in the Dolomites, then you definitely won't be on the radar as a potential invite. It's basically that sort of behaviour which isn't judgemental per se, but still proof that class does play a role.

I've been the riches and the poorest. No one cares so long as you just do you. My richest friends valued our warmth and welcome and time.

My kids go to school with oligarch kids and children of politicians, diplomats and really rich locals. The other parents are generally very normal and my children enjoy going to the very fancy birthday parties. Nobody cares, honestly.

Haven't read the full thread but first page and I'm surprised the comments are so unsympathetic.

I'm sort of on the flip side in that my house is quite salubrious and I've had play dates make comments about they'd be embarrassed to have my kids round to theirs etc. I think it's so sad that people feel that way and it makes me sad for my kids they don't get to get invited to some houses. I grew up really skint - I'd never judge anyone's house or circumstances if they are nice people.

Now in my 40s my best mates include a friend in her 20s who had kids at 16 and is in social housing and another mate who is a millionaire (and others who are teachers, and SAHMs and artists etc etc etc). We all hang out together. There's no drama.

There are your new potential best mates out there - you just need to get past the external trappings and get to know the people underneath. It's genuinely just stuff.

We live in a very mixed area, the houses/flats everyone wanted to go to and congregate at were not similar in terms of financial value,but were the nicest welcoming homes with the kindest, warmest (often slightly scruffy) parents. My DD would not have noticed anything beyond the pets someone had.

You get over it by pretending to, acting like it's not an issue, inviting lots of kids over and them having a great time. Over time you'll see that it's actually not an issue after all.

Do not, ever, quiz your DC about the size or status of their friends homes if they visit. Ask what colour a bedroom is, if there's a dog - focus on things that are separate from financial status and you DD will too.

All this is so true. My kids couldn't give a monkeys how big or small their mates' houses are. I don't think they notice.

One kid once came to ours and asked why it was so small (weird as our house is not small, but some other kids in school are oligarchs with huge mansions so I guess that was his comparator). Anyway his parents are truly awful social climbers and I just thought what a shame he's only 7 and he's already turning into his awful mother.

Half a million is a lot! You need to get over yourself which I think you know. It’s simply inappropriate to be moaning about your lot. As a contrast my house is worth £450k, up north where my friends live i could buy a 6 bedroom on half an acre for what mine is worth. You chose to live where you do so just accept it is expensive. A yes I’m from London, I just chose a better life

And thank god as I’d hate going to said trip lol. Hate group holidays, hate skiing.
But jokes aside I see what you mean. I am definitely not looking to make friends for life, I already have my own :)

I know what you mean. I lived in the periphery of a very wealthy area growing up and we were in a standard 3-bed house. Some people I knew lived in amazing 5-bed houses so I always felt like ‘poor relation’. We seem to be living in a similar situation now as we like a nice area 😂

Eg. A rich parent may clock that your home isn't the fanciest when she's visiting and it won't bother her the slightest in the context of a playdate. However when she's organising a ski holiday with the other wealthy mums to some 5 hotel in the Dolomites, then you definitely won't be on the radar as a potential invite. It's basically that sort of behaviour which isn't judgemental per se, but still proof that class does play a role*

I think this is correct but no point dwelling on it.

I live in an affluent area & I have a bigger house than most my kids friends have but I have a Black Country accent. I grew up on a council estate & my life now is chalk & cheese to my upbringing. People have looked down their nose at me in the school playground. I don’t know if it was my sensitivity or not but I’d say some of these moms are now my best friends & they haven’t had to dissimilar upbringing to my own.

the only thing you can do is be your unapologetic self. Everyone else is taken so don’t try & impress anyone or be embarrassed over your 500k small flat. You’ve obviously picked area over materialism, no one can judge you for that. Stop worrying because people aren’t looking at it like you are. I don’t pick up my kids from a play date and judging the size of someone’s house. My favourite house I’ve picked my kids up from was a 2 bed terraced cottage with all the original features & it was tiny but so cosy I found it hard to leave.