Letting status anxiety stop me from making friends at DC school

[Namechanger67]

Will try to summarise this as much as possible. Have NC for this.

We live in a super wealthy area near London but we are not super wealthy. We have a good income and we have recently managed to buy our first 2 bed property (a garden flat) after a decade of saving. We are in our 40s.

DD is 5 and she goes to a local school. Because the area is mainly populated by very wealthy families, a lot of her school friends live in beautiful, expensive houses. We are talking 1 mil + price point. Ours was half of that.
Now, a decent human being doesn’t judge and shouldn’t care but I cannot help a sense of shame and embarrassment when it comes to playdates. I never want to be the one inviting people over first but of course then I do feel I have to reciprocate if they invite us and this gives me a lot of anxiety. How do I overcome that and is anyone ever in the same situation?

i am not from the UK and grew up low income (although we had everything we needed and my parents paid for my uni til the end so I was lucky in that sense). Our house was always the smallest and we couldn’t afford many things. I think this has never fully left me fully and even though we now have a decent income that is way above national average, I cannot ever shake this feeling (doesn’t help that we live where we live I guess).

I really hate myself for this and wish I didnnt care :(

You are over thinking this, I promise. Now I’m not saying that your DC won’t compare, telling them to be grateful as others have no home usually settles the questions, all pretty normal.
i live in a tiny terrace.
My DD attends school if a very affluent area, students have horses, huge homes, parent’s with new cars but a lot of them don’t. It balances out.
She is a teenager so I appreciate that it is different.

I also definitely don't want to as I am not British and London and surrounding areas are the only place I want to live in whilst staying in this country - fully personal choice of course!

And this choice has led you to be stuck in a flat in an area that gives you 'status anxiety'.

Why are you complaining about your own choice?

People are people. You just need to take them as they come - as they do you.

Some of my best friends are rich. 😅

What was wrong with where you lived before?

Kids don't really care about this. Go to soft play parks etc if it bothers you that much

Ultimately OP, if you’re not happy with your financial status there are only two options: do something about it so that you earn more; or get happy with what you have rather than what you don’t. Focusing on the good things in your life and reflecting that you wouldn’t want to change them often helps with the latter. Beyond that, there’s just getting to the realisation that other people’s invisible thoughts inside their heads have no impact on you whatsoever; and the realisation that actually, most people aren’t thinking much about you at all because they’ve got their own stuff to think about.

If you’re raising a kind, pleasant child who’s enjoyable to be around and are yourself friendly and welcoming, you’ll find that’s what most people are interested in. Sure, you’ll get the odd snooty person who measures your social value on the size of your house, but they aren’t likely to be people you have to bother about.

No I don’t, but are you ashamed of living in a half million property?

Because they might be lovely areas near transport with beautiful parks and play cafes? you can afford nice coffees and cake even if you can’t afford a £1m+ house.

What the hecking hoo is status anxiety?

What we used to call navel gazing… 🙄

I agree - start inviting people over. Do it today. This is an issue in your own head (as you know) and I think once you’ve had a few people over and the sky hasn’t fallen in you’ll feel much better. For the sake of your child you need to get over this - bite the bullet, grab the nettle etc. it won’t be as bad as you think.

That is literally the most stupid advice I have ever read on MN. OP’s insecurities do NOT mean she should sell her flat and move. Why make such a loopy suggestion?

Exactly what it sounds like. There’s a good book on the subject by Alain de Botton if you are interested.

How lucky you are @Namechanger67 to live in such a wonderful area! It sounds fantastic....!

Now then - small house, big house.. who really cares? I have friends with bigger houses than me and smaller than me. My fave of them all is my best mates house.. a small terrace that she has done up beautifully and feels like a really cosy place to retreat to. Do you feel 'at home' in your house? Does it feel welcoming, safe, cosy, happy? If yes, then you need to work on letting go of those feelings from childhood. If not, then focus on how to make the space you have got feel good to you. If you think that friends only value you in terms of how much wealth you have, then you need to get new friends.

So why complain about the 'anxiety' it's causing her?

Why has she come here expecting sympathy (as she posted up thread?)

She could quite easily have moved out a bit and commuted in but she chose not to.

All she needs to do now, is make sure her child doesn't grow up with the same 'shame and embarrassment'.

I'm really not.

London can have very mixed housing within small areas and people are used to this. The lucky thing for you is that in middle class Britain it is usually considered the height of vulgarity to look down on people who have less money, at least overtly.
I grew up living on a slightly posher road than most of my friends and was embarrassed about that!
But you have to make sure your kids don't see any embarrassment attitude from you. Good luck.

Look OP you’re clearly projecting your own prejudices. You would perhaps judge those poorer than you and so you fear others will judge you. Generally, most people won’t judge you for being in a £500k flat. Find those people.

21% of people in the UK live in relative poverty. 26% of Londoners. London has the second highest rate of poverty of anywhere in England. You are not ‘low status’ you only judge yourself as low status.

Please stop thinking like this, you have made a huge achievement buying this property and shouldn't diminish this. As long as your place is clean and tidy, and your children are clean and clothed and polite - you have nothing to worry about.
I bet some of these people are renting their houses too.
I imagine you have a well respected job? We are probably on the decent side of earning out of our local circle and some of our best friends rent smaller properties/flats etc. - this would never change how we view them and we spend more time with them compared to the extremely rich of the group!

Well, work harder on getting over it, then. Recognise that this isn't on anyone else, just your own status anxiety and fear of being revealed as a long way behind the Joneses. It shouldn't get in the way of your children's friendships, so figure out a way to get over it.

I think it may help to get some perspective on this. You live in a nice part of London in a half million pound property, I'd say you were doing very well for yourself. Many of my friends are financially in a much better place than me, and some most definitely worse off. It really doesn't make an ounce of difference. I have what I'd consider a nice 4 bed home in the south east, but I 100% couldn't afford your flat., you choose area over property size, just be yourself, your biggest judge will always be you, anyone who actually does judge is not someone you would want to be friends with anyway.

I’m an academic, however my path to education was unconventional and I left the case system and statutory education at 16 without any qualifications. I have had to battle against all the internalised coding I picked up in childhood - people like me aren’t academic, people will think you’re a con, here because of fluke and so on and so on. Enough of my biography - but I’m mentioning this because in reality nobody thinks that, not really. I just automatically assume they do because I already think it about myself. That’s what you’re doing here.

Despite what I said above, some people WILL think it without a doubt, but they’re actually the ones who are short- sighted, and not really worth worrying about.

Yes I do love my little home. I am hugely into decor so have spent a lot of time, creativity and money in making it pretty (by my standards)!

Don't assume that everyone is better off than you. I teach in a private school and there are families from every walk of life sending their children there. Think manager of a fish and chip shop, spending every available cent to give their child a better future, and then think billionaires.
It's not all about money at all. One class I had, there was a girl from a billionaire family (new money) where the mum was so nervous of other mums because of their education and high socio-economic status from generations that she would only hang out with Sahm who lived in a very modest 3-bed.
Not everyone is thinking the way you are. Most of these mums are just looking for their kids to make nice friends and don't care where they live.
I had another student in my class whose mother had once been the nanny to a family, then had an affair with the dad and ended up marrying him and having said child. They lived in an absolute mansion with swimming pools etc. but the mum found it hard to fit in.
It's really not about money but values as far as I can see.

I have a large home in an amazing area. Once when dc was young he came back saying his friend's house was so much better than ours.

It was a lovely wee 2 bed flat, modernly furnished and nice and warm. As opposed to our 6 bedroomed, draughty farmhouse with loads of land and ponies.

I'm the one currently moving into a 2 bed modern flat (downsizing) and can't wait!

Your DC will pick up that you don't think your flat is good enough! As you must have done from your own upbringing.

Be proud of what you've achieved. And as PPs have said anymore who judges is no friend of yours.

(On another note why is draughty not spelt drafty. I had a moment of self-doubt and had to google the spelling. Shouldn't draughty be sounded out droty)