Resilience

[Passaggressfedup]

I know there have been many threads in the past about this topic and it usually doesn't end too well. So here I am starting one again!

The reason is that in the last couple of days, I had the chance to reflect on life choices that have turned out to be success stories where resilience played a significant role. It's left me thinking again about the benefits of resilience and how we go about getting to that point.

My family, on the surface, appears very mundane. Middle class, quite stable, no big drama. Behind the scenes, not as calm though. Myself: divorced parents, only child, very difficult relationship with step parents, moved schools 7 times before getting my A levels, a couple of times mid-year. Lived on my own at 16yo. All together, by the time I was 30, I'd moved home 17 times!

My kids had a more stable time in comparaison but still not easy. Separated parents before the age of 3, FT working mum, often stressed with managing everything. Father shouting his love to them but not very present at all in every day life or even when they were with him. No extended family, grand parents living far away and only contact once a year on holiday. Very difficult relationship with step parent.

Yet somehow, we've become very healthy, happy and productive adults. Before anyone questions it. Yes, really! Great jobs, great relationships, good self-esteem, no mental issues besides some very short term depression. We're not the only ones by far.

So it does make me think how much this is a result of resilience building. No severe trauma, just some life difficulties we had to face and learn from. My parents could have sheltered me. I could have sheltered my kids more, but none of us would want our lives different because of who it's made us.

I can't help, inevitably, thinking that as a whole, children and teenagers are growingly more and more sheltered from emotionally difficult events, events that teach them that in hardship, we learn that it doesn't have to hurt so much next time, even to the point that it doesn't hurt as all.

I am NOT referring to abuse. Let's make this clear. I'm talking about the many choices parents make so not to affect their kids negatively when maybe it is doing more harm by not teaching them, with a lot of love and support, that is is okay to face hardship and find the way to cope with it come out of it stronger, so that next time they face similar, they are confident about their ability to manage it.

So you responded positively to stressors then.

Your posts are absolutely giving off “just try harder” vibes. Someone with low resiliency levels might absolutely be unable to improve them (or might need very serious psychological and medicinal intervention to do so)

Your position is just far too simplistic and could actually be harmful to people who are struggling

So you responded positively to stressors then
The outcome was positive. The process wasn't.

Your posts are absolutely giving off “just try harder” vibes
'Just try' alone is commandable. I won't try because trying is too hard and I want the positive results without going through any hardship is indeed not an attitude that I think is helpful for anyone.

There are of course some people who are not capable of building resilience. I think these people are a minority. I think most people who show low level of resilience are struggling because they naturalky opt for the avoidance option.

I have worked for many years with vulnerable people. People who lived with constant levels of anxiety, who were always encouraged to avoid any stressors because they were harmful. People who suffered from very low confidence and self esteem. People who, with help in believing in themselves, supporting them through whilst they faced their fears, gently and slowly, were able to accomplish things they never thought they could ever do, and felt amazing as a result. Little timely steps to becoming a little more resilient and much happier in themselves.

I’ve always thought that people were built with a certain level of resilience- and that I had a pretty high level but the last 6 months have battered me. On the surface of it nothing like what i went through as a child but because I have had stuff going on with the kids, work, cost of living etc i was being bombarded from all sides and have gotten pretty low - if I didnt have a supportive husband, a reasonable financial cushion and some great friends I could easily have totally lost it.