Resilience

[Passaggressfedup]

I know there have been many threads in the past about this topic and it usually doesn't end too well. So here I am starting one again!

The reason is that in the last couple of days, I had the chance to reflect on life choices that have turned out to be success stories where resilience played a significant role. It's left me thinking again about the benefits of resilience and how we go about getting to that point.

My family, on the surface, appears very mundane. Middle class, quite stable, no big drama. Behind the scenes, not as calm though. Myself: divorced parents, only child, very difficult relationship with step parents, moved schools 7 times before getting my A levels, a couple of times mid-year. Lived on my own at 16yo. All together, by the time I was 30, I'd moved home 17 times!

My kids had a more stable time in comparaison but still not easy. Separated parents before the age of 3, FT working mum, often stressed with managing everything. Father shouting his love to them but not very present at all in every day life or even when they were with him. No extended family, grand parents living far away and only contact once a year on holiday. Very difficult relationship with step parent.

Yet somehow, we've become very healthy, happy and productive adults. Before anyone questions it. Yes, really! Great jobs, great relationships, good self-esteem, no mental issues besides some very short term depression. We're not the only ones by far.

So it does make me think how much this is a result of resilience building. No severe trauma, just some life difficulties we had to face and learn from. My parents could have sheltered me. I could have sheltered my kids more, but none of us would want our lives different because of who it's made us.

I can't help, inevitably, thinking that as a whole, children and teenagers are growingly more and more sheltered from emotionally difficult events, events that teach them that in hardship, we learn that it doesn't have to hurt so much next time, even to the point that it doesn't hurt as all.

I am NOT referring to abuse. Let's make this clear. I'm talking about the many choices parents make so not to affect their kids negatively when maybe it is doing more harm by not teaching them, with a lot of love and support, that is is okay to face hardship and find the way to cope with it come out of it stronger, so that next time they face similar, they are confident about their ability to manage it.

Strong emotional connection between parents and adult children is different to an adult child consistently depending on them (and defaulting to them without thought) for their own emotional or practical needs.

To some extent but I still feel many of our connections are based, often unconsciously, on an element of need. Need for company, need to be heard, need of affection etc...

In no way a bad thing. We'd be robots without needs. It's a matter of how needy is healthy and when does it lead to problems.

I agree with @CheeseandFigs that society judges parents a lot more harshly these days which I think is damaging for dc & parents. Some think if you are not watching them 100% of the time that you are neglectful.

I do have a few friends who have younger staff who basically don’t think they should have to do their job at all. That everything should be organised to personally make them happy.
I can remember the whole not being picked up, being left to make my own way places, I was left in dangerous situations many many times.

I also think in the past things were much less complicated. I think there’s a lot more things to organise and sort than there was 30 years ago.

Resilience building can take many forms I think. There is a role within education such as allowing or using the word 'failed', as an example. Sport can help in this, getting used to losing some of the time.

But it is a hard balance and not an easy thing to teach. I do despair though, i see so many teens and young adults mollycoddled and babied by their parentd and i do wonder how these kids are going to cope with the real world
I'll be very honest and say that it is reading MN daily that makes me question the resilience of the new generation most, but I do see some of it in real life, more and more it would seem.

If you got A-Levels after 7 school moves, you were born with intelligence, that gets you a huge step ahead
I would say 1/3 intelligence, 1/3 taught to push myself no matter what, 1/3 resilience building. A mix of genetics and parental upbringoing. Pretty sure I would have managed on intelligence alone. I also have/had adhd, so another thing to manage ( but also really helped me manage the challenges I faced).

I think there is something here (separating out serious emotional responses to actual trauma, and the bullshit of many "workplace resilience" courses etc which just cover up for rubbish corporate cultures and practices most of the time.)

My parents were very big on giving us the tools to solve our own problems and encouraging us to work through things in the first instance, while still getting involved where we really couldn't. (A good example was in the year after my brother died when I was 6, I was horrifically bullied at school, which school tried to cover up. When my parents found out they tackled it head on and ultimately moved me to a different school.)

I'm probably more helicopter than my parents were but compared to many of my peers I think I probably seem quite harsh/hands off - because I do think there is value in kids learning to deal with the bumps and disappointments of life.

My younger child definitely has higher emotional needs and feels things like unfairness a lot more keenly - we have a lot of discussions about the issues he's having and what he can do to deal with problems. I've got involved relatively rarely - I've been encouraged by friends to do as they do and be much more in touch with school etc and raising every issue that comes along, but I don't think that serves DS2's interests long term. Over time I've seen him become happier and more content even when the same issues recur, and I hope it's at least partly because while we talk about feelings, and acknowledge them and provide love and sympathy, we the emphasise moving forward. We don't let them, our ourselves, instantly quit when things get difficult or there's been a setback. When things go wrong, we try to be honest about why. We don't totally shield them from nasty things going on in the world.

We're probably fucking them up in other ways that will become evident in adulthood, but for us laying down the building blocks of being able to pick yourself up and move forward when things are tough is a really important value, even if it's sometimes uncomfortable - because who doesn't want to make their kid happy and give them the perfect childhood?

I actually think that we teach resilience in a thousand small ways. It doesn't need to be big events. I am constantly astonished by some things that parents do, I feel very old fashioned. But I think these things matter, as you learn to deal with when things don't go right. So for my kids

-when playing a game, I let them lose sometimes.
-when they forget something for school, then they have forgotten it, I am not racing up to school (mostly, there are some exceptions)
-when they lose/break something it doesn't get immediately replaced, sometimes we have to save up money for it
-when teacher says or does something they don't like, I don't rescue the kid, I might give them suggestions as to how to deal with it, but I'm not heading up to school (again mostly, obviously there are exceptions)
-when they are disappointed/sad/lonely/upset I don't try and rescue them, instead talk about the fact that they are upset, and that sucks, offer support, hugs, comfort, but not solutions. Life is like this sometimes, and we will get through it together.

I just think that many parents try and smooth out the normal bumps of life. Bumps of life are important, it is how we learn to deal with life, so that we have some rescources when bigger bumps come our way.

As to big events, that is harder, kids can be really crushed by big events and need a lot of support. They sometimes teach the wrong thing - the world isn't safe, no one loves me, insetad of teaching resilience.

Are you suggesting that people who struggle with anxiety do so because they haven't had hard enough lives?
I wouldn't put it exactly like that but in essence yes.

I don’t agree with that. My father in his eighties & is developing anxiety and he is the most resilient person I know. He experienced actual trauma and hardship but his wits got him out. Now he’s aware that his body is failing & his agility isn’t what is was & it’s making him anxious because he feels vulnerable.

While I think competitive sport is particularly good for this, I do think any kind of programme where there are opportunities to push through difficulty/setbacks to achieve a goal can be helpful?

There's something about the goal setting and the assumption that you'll reach it even if it's hard/the people sometimes suck/you have setbacks/other people are better that is beneficial I think.

I see people now melt down completely over the most mundane things, or not getting their way on things. I feel people are changing and not for the better tbh.

I don't believe in resilience as an immutable character trait and frankly I think most people who whinge about others' lack of resilience are parroting tired received wisdom (because they want to complain about young people, usually).

In my experience people show resilience when they are motivated to do so. I'm a good problem-solver if I care about the outcome. If I "give up" it's usually because I don't care, and don't need to care. I'm one of those people with a phobia of public speaking; I solved that by pursuing a life path in which I will never be called upon to do it. I don't actually want to solve that issue.

This applies physically too. I'm a distance runner, and having the mental reserves to push yourself physically is crucial. On the other hand the last time I was made to play netball I walked away from the ball and then cried injury because I'd broken my nail.

Life stuff? I'm not very resilient when it comes to small things. I'm clumsy and always late and thus always in some sort of minor stressy flap. DP is absurdly organised and calm, and finds this tremendously amusing. On the other hand when life throws a massive problem at us, but I have a bit of time to think about it? I don't feel stressed at all, it's a challenge I'll enjoy researching and solving. (In those situations it's DP who gets very anxious.)

And if we're talking about Gen Z advocating for themselves, I will just say that I think it actually shows a lot of resilience to stand up and say that you don't like being treated in a certain way and you don't have to put up with it. I don't think anyone gets points for martyring themselves and soldiering on when they don't have to.

Our whole existence and the development of evolution has been based on survival of the fittest . Nowadays we think we should do everything possible to shield , particularly children , from any difficult situation . This never gives them the life skills to cope with essentially normal life issues . When I was in my first managerial role I was hating the thought of doing presentations to any number of people but there was no acknowledging that . I had to get on with it and with experience came confidence . These days a youngster would just say it’s making them anxious and someone else would be lined up . A lot of scary things have to be worked through .

I'll be very honest and say that it is reading MN daily that makes me question the resilience of the new generation most, but I do see some of it in real life, more and more it would seem.

I don’t think MNs is particularly representative!

In my experience people show resilience when they are motivated to do so.

I agree with this to a certain extent but I think there's a part 2 which is "and have the skills/emotional ability to do so."

Can you advise me on the right approach with my own children then! I don’t want to repeat the past 😆

because who doesn't want to make their kid happy and give them the perfect childhood?

Whats perfect though? I grew up in a then rough part of London, junkies, pimps, prostitutes were normal on the school run but in someways I think I had an idyllic childhood.

I think a lot of the time when people talk about resilience they don't really understand the things that have fed into that.

Some people are resilient because they know they have the resources to deal with any situation. A car completely breaking down and needing to be scrapped is going to affect people differently. A rich person has the confidence of money - they can get taxis or a hire car until they are able to buy a new car - which they can do straight away. A poor person is going to have more stress, upset and anger - they can't just magic up the money to solve the problem.

On the other end of the scale a lot of traumatised people appear resilient - but it is because they learnt at an early age that no one is going to save them, no-one cares about them and crying is not going to make any difference. They had to learn to just get on with things. My sister and I both went through the same chidlhood but she is 3 years younger so when we were put into care she was 2 and I was 5 so does not remember a lot of it but she always had me as her bigger sister to help her and protect her so she is a lot less resilient than me as an adult.

If you look into what helps build resilience, it not all about some inner quality of greatness where you just keep quiet in difficult situations and such it up. They tell you to basically prepare for difficulties and build support.

One type of prep is having success at bouncing back from minor difficulties that you can reflect on how you got through it, but its not the only prep.

Its also not some consistent quality where you are ever resilient against all things. Im resilient in some scenarios and not others. Im resilient to my car breaking down as I have RAC cover, im fit and able so can walk and I live near transport routes, I have friends to call on. so its a minor set back i can bounce back from. Im not so resilient to other things.

Sport is good for resilience if you are pretty good at sport. So you win some you lose some and you feel ok about it.

Sport is not good if you have dyspraxia and are always the last picked. Maybe 10 times. 20 times that might help you build up a bit of a shell but ultimately it would make anyone feel absolutely shit.

My experience of sport was "urgh barrel turn you've dropped the ball AGAIN!!" so I developed 'resilience' i.e. I learnt not to do sport.

Both because both teach us about set backs.

A goalkeeper may let in a goal but they could save the next 3.

A climber make not complete a set today but next time they might.

You learn not to allow a set back to determine the ultimate outcome. 'Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and get on with the game/challenge'.

My children are young adults now. Both did a lot of sport and outdoor activity as children and both still do but are now motivated to do it by themselves. Both say that it helps their mental (as well as) physical health enormously.

If this is what is happening in schools now then maybe a government push on the subject of sport is needed because it really is so important for children to see that a set back is just that, it does not determine the end result; an important analogy for life.

Yes but the goalie that lets in every single ball. The climber that can never get further up the wall.

You can build residence from anything. Lego building, crossword puzzles. It doesn't need to be group humiliation.

Agree and would also add that people also talk about resilience as a way of dismissing others feelings because they can't be bother to think about or do anything about how unfair life can be and their privilege in life.

Trauma can destroy lives, as it always has, and always will. Some people might appear to be resilient and still be badly damaged, for example many who went to boarding school, or men who served in wars.

A still upper lip and a nice cup of tea aren't always enough.

@TwillTrousers

I do agree with you on many levels.

When I grew up in the 80-90s, in another country, there was almost military grade abuse towards my generation to be "resilient".
Some of us made it successfully, some commited suicide, some became criminals or spent life in mental health institutions.
I believe young people nowadays have it easy in general in a way that's almost incomprehensive for myself.
Bur, now at my age, I'm tired and fed up showing "resilience" to mundane setbacks, like them.
Cutting off people who do nothing for you, apart from take, (time, energy), is a good start.

I wouldn't call "divorced parents, only child, very difficult relationship with step parents, moved schools 7 times before getting my A levels, a couple of times mid-year. Lived on my own at 16yo. All together, by the time I was 30, I'd moved home 17 times!" quite stable! I suspect you've built a lot of resilience since an early age because you had to.

I had a very stable childhood, and was a high flying resilient adult until my 30s when I fell apart. Sometimes you're fine until you're really, really not.