Resilience

[Passaggressfedup]

I know there have been many threads in the past about this topic and it usually doesn't end too well. So here I am starting one again!

The reason is that in the last couple of days, I had the chance to reflect on life choices that have turned out to be success stories where resilience played a significant role. It's left me thinking again about the benefits of resilience and how we go about getting to that point.

My family, on the surface, appears very mundane. Middle class, quite stable, no big drama. Behind the scenes, not as calm though. Myself: divorced parents, only child, very difficult relationship with step parents, moved schools 7 times before getting my A levels, a couple of times mid-year. Lived on my own at 16yo. All together, by the time I was 30, I'd moved home 17 times!

My kids had a more stable time in comparaison but still not easy. Separated parents before the age of 3, FT working mum, often stressed with managing everything. Father shouting his love to them but not very present at all in every day life or even when they were with him. No extended family, grand parents living far away and only contact once a year on holiday. Very difficult relationship with step parent.

Yet somehow, we've become very healthy, happy and productive adults. Before anyone questions it. Yes, really! Great jobs, great relationships, good self-esteem, no mental issues besides some very short term depression. We're not the only ones by far.

So it does make me think how much this is a result of resilience building. No severe trauma, just some life difficulties we had to face and learn from. My parents could have sheltered me. I could have sheltered my kids more, but none of us would want our lives different because of who it's made us.

I can't help, inevitably, thinking that as a whole, children and teenagers are growingly more and more sheltered from emotionally difficult events, events that teach them that in hardship, we learn that it doesn't have to hurt so much next time, even to the point that it doesn't hurt as all.

I am NOT referring to abuse. Let's make this clear. I'm talking about the many choices parents make so not to affect their kids negatively when maybe it is doing more harm by not teaching them, with a lot of love and support, that is is okay to face hardship and find the way to cope with it come out of it stronger, so that next time they face similar, they are confident about their ability to manage it.

The question is indeed: why are those born in privilege more and more struggling with resilience when faced with what most without privilege consider very small hardships.

What counts as 'privilege' can be subjective and often personality-dependent. Ok, so most could agree that poverty and deprivation signal an absence of privilege, but beyond that certain lifestyles don't work very well for certain children and adults. I know several children from backgrounds which would be considered objectively 'privileged' (private school etc.) who have struggled hugely because they're in the wrong environment for those particular children to thrive. In one case, the child is awaiting an ADHD/ASD diagnosis after several disastrous years in a pressure-cooker private school environment that has destroyed their sense of confidence and self-worth.

Some parents struggle to parent in a way that suits their children's particular needs, and so they may have trouble forming a close emotional connection or fall back on overly negative parenting. You read threads on here the whole time about this - "I really dislike my 5yo" etc. Not anyone's fault but ultimately it's going to affect how emotionally resilient those kids turn out to be.

Also, just to clarify that when I mention anxiety for the purpose of this thread, I'm not referring to pathological anxiety.

Anxiety fell upon me during the menopause. For absolutely no reasons whatsoever. Because of my natural sense of resilience, I refused to accept that what is was. Reasons to be anxious? None. Lacking the ability to cope with triggers? Nope. So it couldn't be anxiety...

This stubbornness left me with 5 years of utter misery...until I learned that anxiety can truly be triggered by hormonal imbalance (or other conditions). Thankfully, medication sorted in out perfectly.

Age is another pathological trigger for anxiety. It affects so many people and indeed, including the most resilient ones. My resilient approach to it is to recognise that it will happen gradually and to learn to first accept it and not fight against it, but also to start some self delivered cbt so that I can cope with it and not overwhelm me. Like those old people who go with the 'stuff that, I'm going sky diving next week' mentality approach! I hope my brain deals with it better than it did during the menopause, that's for sure!

I had a chaotic and somewhat neglectful adolescence and I used to pride myself on my resilience until I hit 40 and realised that my resilience sometimes caused interpersonal issues.

I realised that i instinctively reacted with a stiff upper lip, let's talk and move forward approach but it hit me like a tonne of bricks one day that this resilience was because I found it uncomfortable to sit with difficult feelings. Because my feelings didn't matter as a teen, at all.

So I'm trying to do better and understand that resilience and time to process pain and difficult sounds like crying are normal and healthy and that I need to manually override my panic and distress at hearing someone get emotional. And that's bloody hard because I hadn't realised I was having a panic/stress reaction to tantrums and adult conflict. I thought I was resilient and pragmatic.

Maybe something to think on?

Obviously 'group humiliation' is bullying and won't teach anything positive about resilience.

Good mentors/parents/coaches teach sport (or whatever activity) positively.

A good coach doesn't allow individuals to be 'picked' on, they expect the team to support and encourage. A good team captain does the same. Parents have a duty to encourage their child to find a team/activity that works for them positively.

I am extremely resilient, I have had to be, and I also can’t imagine not being, but speaking truthfully and honestly sometimes I really wish I could just fall apart and let it all go….but I don’t have a clue as to how on earth I would do that. I don’t know how to fall apart, I can’t seem to let myself….even though sometimes it feels like it’s exactly what I need. So yes, I’m resilient and it is indeed a good thing for the most part, it has served me well and gotten me through some truly horrific times and pushed me to succeed but my god am I tired of it sometimes.

The pandemic showed how little resilience people have

nowadays people can’t even cope with a road being closed because potholes are being mended. The amount of meltdowns on FB pages is unbelievable

And if we're talking about Gen Z advocating for themselves, I will just say that I think it actually shows a lot of resilience to stand up and say that you don't like being treated in a certain way and you don't have to put up with it
That to me is not resilience but courage. Its too different thing. Resilience would be a young person starting a new job, feeling anxious about all the new experiences, people, demands, feeling overwhelmed even, but continuing to get up every morning, making it to work, taking things one day or even hour at the time, opening their mind to learning the tasks, about people's personality, keeping repeating themselves that things will get better, trusting themselves that they can do it, seeking support without passing on responsibility, and just getting on with it rather than just giving up because it's too hard, too pressurising, too uncertain etc...

There is a very thin line to recognise in term of how much we can push ourselves or our kids and where if you go too far, you are risking to create harm. I do feel that overall many under-estimate where the line hold though. Its no easy.

Like many teenagers, my youngest really struggled in his first term at uni. Some mistakes were made (accommodation was one of them), and they fell into painful depression and despair. I was beside myself, especially ially as they were more than 6 hours away. My instinct was to tell them to pack their bags and come home after the third distressing phone call. I thought that urge. We agreed to make to Xmas, talking every time they had an anxiety or panic attack. Then it was making it to Easter (the hardest bit), then the year. And gradually it git better and they graduated with a 2:1 (almost 1:1) despite a terrible start. They came home after 3 years so much stronger, mature, and yes resilient. They also grew even more empathy for others going through tough times and were able to help them in crisis time.

In hindsight, fighting the urge to tell them to come back there and then was the best decision. I knew then that deep inside it was but I cried myself too. Resilience is really hard to teach.

My user name is so apt for this post!

At its simplest, I think you’re right. Just as building self esteem isn’t about indiscriminately telling children they’re wonderful but rather helping them achieve small goals until they become big goals, resilience is built not inherent (IMO).

It’s Complex however, and not a linear process. Resilience can be worn away through a series of challenges coming too close together and people can be remarkably resilient in some circumstances and far less so in others.

I also think there’s a tendency to call someone resilient when really they’re just surviving and not displaying the outward behaviours we associate with not coping. Survival is a strong instinct even among the traumatised. In the past we had a lot of severely traumatised people who go got on with life not because they were resilient but because the alternative was dying from starvation/lack of shelter, etc. Those people were still traumatised and miserable.

I think that people can be very resilient in the way you describe and with the upbringing you describe but a sudden traumatic event can really destroy that resilience and back it hard to build back up again
Yes I agree. Resilient people do fall back down too, but my experience is that still manage to get up again more easily than those who are not.

Personally, I think resilience comes from knowing that you’re still “safe” if the worst happens. Richard Branson was able to take business risks because he knew that his family would never see him homeless and hungry. My children know that whatever life throws at them, they are loved and we have their backs
This not resilience to me. It's being open to risks which is different. Tou can be a risk seeker and show no resilience when the going gets tough.

Love and support is absolutely essential to support those going through the pain of adversity, but doesn't male you resilient alone.

Love the way you label 'only child' as part of your trauma's 🥱
I didn't label it as part of my trauma. I mentioned it as it made it harder to cope with the 'trauma'. When you move homes and schools as many times as I did as a child, it's inevitably going to be harder to adjust when you're on your own rather than when you are siblings you can share the experience with.

Studies also show that you can’t love or attend to a baby/toddler too much. That, contrary to the popular belief that it coddles a child, a strong bond and attachment with the primary parent or caregiver allows people to become more resistant and independent as adults
You can - and should - show lots of live and coddle your child as they go through the difficult situation. What is harmful is to encourage avoidance as the solution to the problem.

@Resilience, haha, indeed, that is certainly the thread for you!

I also think there’s a tendency to call someone resilient when really they’re just surviving and not displaying the outward behaviours we associate with not coping
I agree 100%. It is such a thin line and very often, resilience is a matter of hindsight. Survival can lead to trauma rather than resilience. My experience is that that's when support and love during the process is what makes the most difference.

In my case, I can't say my parents were overly supportive, but I felt loved, and that they were trying to makes things as good as they could be. I trusted them in that regards. I also had great support from the 'village'. Teachers, school officials, friends, even parents of friends. Never any criticism of my parents (which I would rejected strongly anyway), but that sense of empathy, which made a big difference.

I think 'resilience' is a fairly meaningless word. It implies that there is this fixed quality, that you have or don't have, that pops up and gives you the power to solve various problems. To my mind, how you cope in life is a matter of the interaction between your personality/skills and the lessons you learn. If you're a generally calm and intelligent person and you learn that things can go wrong but you will get support and you will make it to the other side, then when a similar situation arises you will likely meet it with less anxiety than a person who has less capability and/or who found that their last experience resulted in disaster. If I went on stage, made a tit of myself and everyone was very supportive and laughed, I will probably get on stage again. If I got on stage, made a tit of myself and got told I was stupid, the likelihood of me getting on that stage again is low unless I have some other factor, like a real desire to perform, convincing me. The reason 'resilience' varies across experiences is that past experience informs your current expectation. You may be able to get up on any stage and perform in front of any audience any time but go to total pieces when the car breaks down because your mother was always terribly stressed about the car and car trouble presses an invisible button that means 'trouble' in your brain.

'Lack of resilience' can also have an interpersonal and adaptive quality. If you learn as a child that attention from your parent comes in the form of coddling and help and your parent gets validation and self esteem from helping you, then you may act like you can't do things because you've learned that's where love and relationships come from. My able-bodied mother pretends to be weaker than she is because that's the only way she can get my lazy lump of a dad to do anything.

I'm also not sure that it's for the best for people always to try to struggle through on their own just to be 'resilient'. It can be quite inefficient. We all have different skills, strengths and weaknesses. It makes sense as a society to try to match up people with the tasks that they find fairly straightforward/enjoyable or at least manageable. I struggled for years in a career that was completely wrong for me to prove to myself and others that I was 'coping', when I could have achieved so much more if I'd been playing to my strengths rather than my weaknesses.

I loathe these diatribes about how lacking in resilience everyone is 'nowadays' and how if only they'd been exposed to 101 difficult and distressing events as a child they'd all be 100 times happier and healthier as adults. Not sure why you felt to start another one either OP if you've read the 500 others.

Firstly anxiety is genetic and runs in families, if you suffer from anxiety then your resilience is going to be lower. So the chances are OP that as much as anything you were lucky to be born into a family that anxiety didn't run in.

Secondly being resilient comes from feeling safe and secure when something bad happens to you - that doesn't mean you need bad things to happen to you, it means you need to feel safe and secure as a person to be resilient. You felt loved and were able to trust your parents to do their best for you so also have that box ticked.

You cannot assume that a child/teen going through a lot of difficult situations is going to grow up to be resilient, they may learn all sorts of coping mechanisms that aren't at all healthy, they may drink, self harm, take drugs, be desperate to be loved and end up in abusive relationships, be emotionally avoidant. Watching how your parents cope with difficult times (do they have a drink every day after work?) is going to inform how the child learns to cope/be resilient as well as being talked to and prepared for situations they may come up against.

You might not have brought your child home from uni and it might have ended up ok luckily - but you couldn't predict that and you can't say that what you did would be he right thing for everyone. It's not even clear that you came up with a good solution apart from 'just carry on through your misery and hope it gets better'. I'm not saying they had to just give up uni altogether but I think there must have been a better solution than 'just carrying on in misery'. That's not a good life lesson in my book but perhaps that's what you've learnt to do as well?

You back that up when you say that what you learn from emotionally difficult events was that 'it doesn't have to hurt so much next time, even to the point that it doesn't hurt as all'. So what you really learnt over time was how to emotionally shut down which isn't healthy at all. Now it seems to me that you're teaching your kids to just carry on through misery until it gets emotionally shut down.

IMO the things that are actually causing a huge loss of resilience in people today are the incredibly high demands on children to be progressing and achieving in school, the incredibly fast pace of life causing increasing anxiety and depression, the ridiculously high COL and social media constantly showing us people who have everything and appear to have done very little to get it.

I agree on this. My birth family is full of toxic resilience - people soldiering on in situations, 'coping' rather than asking for help or admitting they're not up to the task. It results in some very fucked up behaviours.

I think when people talk about a 'lack of resilience' what they are really talking about are immature behaviours like throwing a tantrum or refusing to deal with something entirely. Those are learned behaviours - they work for that particular person by allowing them to avoid discomfort or difficulty. To my mind they don't necessarily indicate a lack of resilience, they indicate that that person doesn't want to be in that particular situation, is in the wrong role or job but they aren't mature enough to just say that or they've learned they can't say that so they use other behaviours instead.

Can you tell that my family is chock-full of people who are totally incapable of just stating how they feel???

It implies that there is this fixed quality, that you have or don't have, that pops up and gives you the power to solve various problems
I don't think k that's what it implies.

If I went on stage, made a tit of myself and everyone was very supportive and laughed, I will probably get on stage again. If I got on stage, made a tit of myself and got told I was stupid, the likelihood of me getting on that stage again is low unless I have some other factor, like a real desire to perform, convincing me
I don't think that example relates to resilience at all. This describes a preference. It would become resilience if there were consequences for not going on stage again. Resilience would be the outcome of going on stage again despite wanting nothing to do with it, and through doing it more times, learning how to be a better actor so no-one laughed and you get to the point of being able to do so without much thought of concern.

We've all seen situations where a child falls over and then they look at their parent to see if they should cry or not. Children are very very tuned into their parents. If a parent gets stressed every time the child gets stressed, the child will learn that, by engaging in stressful situations, they are hurting their parent. So they'll avoid stressful situations. That's not a lack of resilience, that's logical thinking based around trying to protect, love and win the approval of a parent.

I'm also not sure that it's for the best for people always to try to struggle through on their own just to be 'resilient'
NEVER best to struggle alone. Resilience is certainly best achieved when encouraged and supported by those who love you.

But what is it that encourages the person to go on stage again, even after bombing out? Is it the fixed qualty of 'resilience' - some innate personality trait?

I agree with pps that it is in no way as simple as the OP suggests.

I had a difficult childhood in many ways. Middle class, fairly affluent family but parents divorced before I was born, both remarried very quickly so early years spent shuttling between two houses and two countries in a time when this was very unusual. Alcohol misuse was rife, affairs were being had all over the place and as a result I felt unsafe, insecure, and permanently on high alert for something catastrophic happening (which it did when my dad died in an accident when I was 10.) That sense of high alert and hyper-vigilance has stayed with me in the form of chronic anxiety and intrusive thoughts, so by the OP's standards, as an anxious person I'm not very resilient. However, in a real crisis I'm your woman. When the shit hits the fan I'm calm and can think clearly. Getting ready to go on a nice holiday however and I'll be worrying about the car breaking down, being in a horrific pile-up on the M25 or contracting sepsis after a jellyfish sting on the first day.

There seems to be an awful lot of people thoroughly unable to cope with routine life.

Someone ringing your doorbell isn't a setback. Being asked for ID when buying alcohol is not a setback. Discovering that your host has invited other guests at the same time is not a setback. Yet these are all things I've read in the last three weeks that MN users can't deal with.

Anything can change in an instant. Don't be smug or take anything for granted.

Not having grandparents around growing up definitely isn't important. Many manage without.

Not sure. Maybe you could ask all the people currently bed bound with chronic illnesses caused by them ploughing on through adversity....

Or you could continue congratulating yourself on how wonderful you and your family are.