Resilience

[Passaggressfedup]

I know there have been many threads in the past about this topic and it usually doesn't end too well. So here I am starting one again!

The reason is that in the last couple of days, I had the chance to reflect on life choices that have turned out to be success stories where resilience played a significant role. It's left me thinking again about the benefits of resilience and how we go about getting to that point.

My family, on the surface, appears very mundane. Middle class, quite stable, no big drama. Behind the scenes, not as calm though. Myself: divorced parents, only child, very difficult relationship with step parents, moved schools 7 times before getting my A levels, a couple of times mid-year. Lived on my own at 16yo. All together, by the time I was 30, I'd moved home 17 times!

My kids had a more stable time in comparaison but still not easy. Separated parents before the age of 3, FT working mum, often stressed with managing everything. Father shouting his love to them but not very present at all in every day life or even when they were with him. No extended family, grand parents living far away and only contact once a year on holiday. Very difficult relationship with step parent.

Yet somehow, we've become very healthy, happy and productive adults. Before anyone questions it. Yes, really! Great jobs, great relationships, good self-esteem, no mental issues besides some very short term depression. We're not the only ones by far.

So it does make me think how much this is a result of resilience building. No severe trauma, just some life difficulties we had to face and learn from. My parents could have sheltered me. I could have sheltered my kids more, but none of us would want our lives different because of who it's made us.

I can't help, inevitably, thinking that as a whole, children and teenagers are growingly more and more sheltered from emotionally difficult events, events that teach them that in hardship, we learn that it doesn't have to hurt so much next time, even to the point that it doesn't hurt as all.

I am NOT referring to abuse. Let's make this clear. I'm talking about the many choices parents make so not to affect their kids negatively when maybe it is doing more harm by not teaching them, with a lot of love and support, that is is okay to face hardship and find the way to cope with it come out of it stronger, so that next time they face similar, they are confident about their ability to manage it.

The problems come when our daily life moves so fast we can't keep up. The constant news, computers in our pockets, huge groups of friends and aquaintances watching our lives, job scarcity with AI looming - so many things are adding stressors to our bodies and kids growing up with this are overwhelmed. It isn't as it was even 20 years ago when you could try to avoid some of the influences as most are being taken in by the workplace.

We aren't built for this level of frenetic activity. People are meant to live in communities not alone and feeling they have to be productive all day every day.

Well quite. I was really referring to steamrolling the path in front of kids in pursuit of that perfect childhood and in-the-moment happiness, versus what kids might ultimately look back on as an idyllic childhood despite it being far from picture-perfect.

My children’s primary school had a real focus on resilience and I think it’s helped me as a parent, have those conversations with the kids when things get or feel hard for them. It just puts a different spin on things and way of looking at setbacks or challenges they face as they grow up. I think the school has been brilliant and we have been able to take some of those learnings into secondary school.

My childhood was hard. Do I think it’s made me resilient, maybe. But my coping mechanism has literally been to compartmentalise my life. Put uncomfortable things in a metaphorical box, only to be looked at and examined when I have the courage. It has worked for me. But I prefer how my children are approaching life.

@JassyRadlett my response was more of an open question rather than just to you. I agreed with your post & was musing really.

Some would probably think the things I saw growing up were awful but I feel I had a really innocent childhood in someways. No social media, playing out with friends, having neighbours look out for me, a freedom my dc do not have.

This says exactly what i was struggling to say. There was a thread last week about a family who get together with another family and the other family constantly tell their child he won even if he wasn't playing.
This child even kicked off if he lost a computer game when playing on his own. Quite a few pp were saying it wasn't ops business but it was. Firstly because her son did actually win sometimes and this kid is going to be a nightmare when he loses at school.
These are the kids that don't cope when told no or not bailed out constantly.
You see it on here quite a lot when children don't want to go somewhere especially young ones so the parents don't go. Parent misses out, kid gets what it wants. Doesn't do anyone any favours in the long term.

This is very interesting. How did the school focus on resilience in this way? I can't imagine how they did it. Great that they did though.

I agree with lots of these posts. I brought up my DC quite harshly in some ways, made them work for things, refused lifts, didn't give them money. They are now extremely independent adults who I have a great relationship with.

DH was quite a Disney dad with his and they have ZERO resilience and are now at the point of living on benefits, despite great schooling etc. Every single thing has become a set back they cannot manage, and they talk about 'burnout' all the time with part-time low-stress work etc.

To me my 'harsh' parenting built resilience. I didn't always like doing it, but I felt it was the right thing to do.

I think that people can be very resilient in the way you describe and with the upbringing you describe but a sudden traumatic event can really destroy that resilience and back it hard to build back up again.

Studies also show that you can’t love or attend to a baby/toddler too much. That, contrary to the popular belief that it coddles a child, a strong bond and attachment with the primary parent or caregiver allows people to become more resistant and independent as adults.

Ah apologies I misunderstood!

no worries

The way to practice overcoming anxiety is to face it. For example, if you have a fear of public speaking, the only way to get over it is to practice public speaking ( in gentle stages, I am not advocating for the flooding technique but gentle every day practice). Avoiding public speaking doesn't get rid of the anxiety, it makes it worse because behavioural avoidance perpetuates the fear cycle so the fear grows.
@classynacho

Exactly. Thinking back to how I was as a young teenager, all sorts of daft things made me nervous, stuff I wouldn't give a second thought to when I was a bit older, and yes, giving a presentation to the rest of the class was in the list. But I think I had dimly grasped, even then, that if I did the things I was nervous about anyway then eventually they would get to seem easier.

When I was at school, 60s and 70s, parents didn't seem to think it was any of their business to get involved in our day to day lives. Yes, mine went to parents evenings and read reports and, for sure, they would have been down on me like a ton of bricks if I had got in to any trouble at school or been found to not be doing homework or playing truant or something. But other than that I was left to get on with it and deal with all the petty dramas, disappointments and worries that school brings.

It could just be me. I know that after I'd come through cancer, I definitely cared about others less. Not no caring at all, but I could feel the downturn in my interest.

I guess we can arrive at selfishness by different routes.

Resilience is learnt in lots of different ways though and I agree trauma and the daily grind of life can destroy resilience for most people at some point in their lives, it's not necessarily a bad thing in the long run.
I don’t really see a lack of resilience in its typical form as a bad thing on its own.
A lot of the time it just means someone sees and feels things differently and on the flip side that can come with real strengths.
People can learn to be more empathetic, more honest about what’s actually affecting them, and more tuned in to others.
Instead of just pushing through no matter what, they can learn and to know when change is needed. Resilience isn't always “toughing it out.”

Yea, this.

Many adults seem to have never got past the stage of enjoying teenage drama. Just look at the number of posts on here where you read "I broke my heart" (over something and nothing), "I was devastated", etc etc.

I'm skeptical about talk around 'resilience'. Growing up with undiagnosed ADHD as a quiet, well-behaved but 'scatty' girl, I had very low confidence levels, perfectionist tendencies, extreme sensitivity to rejection and generally lacked understanding as to why I couldn't manage life in the same way that others could. Whenever I sought help, advice was always framed in terms of being more 'resilient'.

And I did become more 'resilient', in the sense that I learned to mask more effectively. I learned better coping strategies and how to look efficient and on top of it. I worked in my spare time to catch up and spent the rest of it absolutely exhausted, recovering from the demands of making it look as if I was coping.

Everything fell apart with the demands of Covid and children because there was suddenly no flex in the system. No spare time, no catch-up time, twice the workload. And looking back, I'm not sure being 'resilient' up to that point really helped me - it just helped me to get to a point where my life was completely unsustainable for me personally. I've been playing catch-up, trying to put all the pieces together back together into something that works better, ever since.

Personally, I think resilience comes from a sense of safety and access to resources, from being 'scaffolded' from an early age by your parents and from strong family and social connections. The child who learns to climb high on the climbing-frame because they know their parent will catch them if they fall, the teenager who builds up work and life experience working for family and family friends and so has the confidence to get their first holiday job, the mother going back to work who has supportive family nearby if her childcare fails and so can say 'yes' to work demands without panicking about how she will manage.

I had a very tough upbringing, abuse, a lot of bad luck and it went on until I was about 40. My life experiences did build extraordinary resilience and I dealt with some very difficult things and just got on with it. It's absolutely wrecked my physical health though and I find it virtually impossible to deal with people who are weak and whiny and who go to pieces at the slightest thing. I dislike feeling like this and it's horribly judgemental of course. It's made me value the peaceful times and I don't take anything for granted. I feel that I know things about humanity that I wish I didn't know.

I think genuine anxiety and lack of resilience are two separate things.

However, the current generation of kids is definitely growing up with a lack of resilience.

I work in a secondary school medical room. We see between 80-110 visits a day, mostly from students who don't have an ongoing health condition. This will invariably include (and bear in mind teachers are often sending them to me) paper cuts, heel blisters (when they're in a sitting down lesson), feeling dizzy/lightheaded (when they have eaten breakfast and don't have water on them) - I have even had a child sent to me with hiccups! I'll frequently phone a parent for permission to give paracetamol and they'll immediately ask if their child needs picking up.

I don't know if it's a Covid related thing as I came to my job a couple of years after the pandemic, but the amount of painkillers I have to give out is also wild - and on the day so of parents and often GPs.

We see a lot of students with anxiety too but the way they present is usually quite different.

I used to think similarly to you, now I think it’s just luck how we get through stuff, we have the right things happen at the right times, you say ‘not abuse’, but what about general environment- what about people who live in poverty, or having an anxious person/ sufferer of mh issues as a parent, or a negative parent, what about health issues in the house, or death? I thought I was resilient, I was even a little proud and cocky until things started stacking up, then I realised how little it takes to turn, and how I’ve just been privledged until now.

I had a fairly stable upbringing, family wise. I grew up in a working class area during the Troubles in Belfast and that affected me very badly. I wasn’t caught up in it like some people, but I struggled with the relentless fear and the exposure to constant bad news of death and violence. It didn’t seem to affect my siblings in the same way. Well, they weren’t on Valium at 10 years old, so I suppose I can only assume they were more ‘resilient’ than me. Does that mean I’m weak? Or does it mean that I am predisposed to anxiety? We are all different.

I grew up in very difficult circumstances and was not sheltered from any of the harsh realities of life. I made it in one piece but the vast majority of my peers didn’t. Most of them have addiction problems, whether it be food, alcohol or drugs. Few of them manage to hold down stable jobs or relationships. I don’t understand why it went differently for me. I have a stable job and a 25 year marriage but definitely have my share of mh issue (no addictions tho)

My own children have had a very different life and are far more resilient than me. The one that has faced the least adversity has the most resilience.

Personally, I think resilience comes from knowing that you’re still “safe” if the worst happens. Richard Branson was able to take business risks because he knew that his family would never see him homeless and hungry. My children know that whatever life throws at them, they are loved and we have their backs.

I agree with this. Knowing you have people who love you and resources to fall back on if you fail makes it easier to take risks and get things in perspective.

Our roof started leaking badly in the storms last year. Cost thousands to repair. It was a nuisance but not a disaster since we could afford to have it fixed quickly. Had that happened during my childhood, it would have been a big deal as there was no spare money - my parents would have been up to ninety, the house would have gone to rack and ruin and everyone would have been endlessly stressed about it.

Studies also show that you can’t love or attend to a baby/toddler too much. That, contrary to the popular belief that it coddles a child, a strong bond and attachment with the primary parent or caregiver allows people to become more resistant and independent as adults.

I agree, and alongside allowing my kids to experience the bumps of life, they also need to know absolutely and completely that they are loved.

I actually think that many of the mental health issues that teens struggle with is because they don't know that for sure. Home is not a solid safe place.
Having that foundation takes us through a lot.

Love the way you label 'only child' as part of your trauma's 🥱

I have thought about this. Many of us are suffering nowadays from an increased level of social isolation compared with in the past.

Having a sibling/siblings can be a positive social link. It isn't guaranteed to be, but it can be. Hopefully people have many other positive social links in their lives, but if they don't have, I can see why not having a sibling might make them more isolated. It's not a trauma in itself obviously but can be part of a bigger picture. If you have loving, sociable parents and a well-developed circle of friends, it probably doesn't matter.

@JLou08, Iwould never denied that I grew up with a number of privileges given to me that others don't have. But it's not the privileges that afforded my sense of resilience but dealing with the hardship that got in the way.

My experience is that those who experience a very hard life from the start either become the most resilient adults or on the other hand, had all the faith in their ability taken away from them so there is no incentive or fight left to even face hard times.

The question is indeed: why are those born in privilege more and more struggling with resilience when faced with what most without privilege consider very small hardships.

@steppemum , 100% agree that we can teach resilience in small steps and your examples are spot on.