To ask what makes one person interesting and charismatic and another a windbag?

[Chalo]

I was in the pub on Sunday with a friend, catching up. It was quiet and there was some football on one of the TVs, no sound. A middle aged guy was sitting alone at the bar and talking to the male and female barman / woman, both generally and about the football. It’s clear they were bored rigid by the chat; they engaged but just so much as they needed not to be rude, the conversation was very one way. He seemed to fancy himself as an expert, and he said he knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who works at the club who says this, that and the other.

It did get me thinking, what do some people have that makes them interesting and engaging? What do they do that the guy at the bar didn’t do?

I do appreciate the circumstances were a factor - the bar staff may have had other things to do than chat. But he was a windbag.

I also appreciate that what’s interesting to one person isn’t to another.

I think what I’m asking is why some people have charisma and what do they do differently?

'the conversation was very one way' is where the problem lies i think. The most engaging conversations are when both people are interested in the other person's point of view, both chatting and listening, no egos involved etc

I think to be engaging, you do need an element of back and forth and to share interesting things as well as to show interest in the other party. I believe it requires a level of self-awareness and emotional intelligence.

What strikes me about the encounter you described is that he was clearly not picking up that the bar staff were not interested, and yet carried on talking about a subject that a) may not be of interest to them and/or b) they were too busy to really interact with him. This in my opinion would make him a bit of a bore. I also think sense of humour can make you more engaging.

I think people seem charismatic when they take an interest in others.

I have an uncle who is actually not that nice a person, so I try to avoid him, but it's difficult because when you see him he's very charismatic. This means he always acts pleased to see you, seems genuinely interested in what you've been up to. He 'flirts' with the old ladies, makes the children laugh, has 'banter' with the men about football teams etc (this banter can have quite a nasty edge actually but you can't call him out because he's only joking). You come away from it thinking he's not that bad, then he does something horrible.

Anyway that was a bit waffly but that's what I think charisma is, not just talking at people.

Modesty / self-effacement vs arrogance / grandstanding

Social skills. Charismatic people are good at judging a situation. So a charismatic person wouldn’t be bothered with the bar staff, but they would’ve found someone else in that building who wanted to talk and then held court with them. As you can probably tell by my wording, I’m not sure the typical charismatic person is someone I particularly get along with 😂

OP your middle aged man at the bar sounds exactly like that fast show character played by Paul Whitehouse

“40 years man and boy”

all the sketches are in a pub setting too iirc

I have a friend who tells wonderful stories/anecdotes. She is fab round a campfire! When she says, "Let me tell you..." I literally grin in anticipation.
Her stories can be long or short, but she keeps eye contact with whoever she's talking to and will adapt or shorten the story accordingly if needed. Her anecdotes never make her look good; they are often about other people, and are often funny. If she detects a less interested audience, she quickly brings it to a close and turns it to the other person - "and that was that! So, tell me..."

Totally agree! I think charismatic people make you feel part of the conversation and engaged in whatever they are talking about.

He sounds more like he is lonely more than anything.

People who tell you stories about someone they know, but who you dont know, that go on a long time have me stifling yawns.

What makes the difference? The perception of the audience.

I think charisma is about more than just social skills though. It's when someone walks in the room and everyone notices them even though you don't really know why. Often people with a lot of charisma are good looking or have some thing very noticeable about the way they look - but they just exude confidence. They still manage to make other people feel important though even though they're the one that everyone is looking at. They are often funny, charming and witty with a great smile.

It sounds like that guy was just a pompous bore.

I get called charismatic by people and have been for all my adult life. It has always left me slightly puzzled as I am not particularly comfortable talking about myself / "holding court" as PPs have said, and much prefer to listen and find out about others - with strangers and close friends alike.

However, I do feel very comfortable in myself and with others, I am an optimistic person, and I am really happy making off the cuff jokes with all and sundry (this is just part of who I am - I find the joy and humour in most things). I wonder if that is part of it.

I was also really shy at school, so often felt left out - which has left me with a legacy of always working hard to include others in the conversation or activity. And I do a lot of public speaking for work, so that probably skews people's perceptions.

Reading this thread, I am now wondering if people are just using this as a polite way of saying "STFU" 😄

It was clear they were bored rigid by the chat

.. the conversation was very one way

He seemed to fancy himself as an expert..

..and he said he knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who works at the club who says this, that and the other.

Low emotional intelligence and a bore.
Did he ask if either of the bar staff followed football? A lot of people don't, myself included.
Or did he just go straight into grandstanding based on a distant connection to a third party who he claims works at the club?
He clearly wasn't bothered that the conversation was very one way.

Charismatic people engage the other party by asking questions; and they keep the conversation light and interesting. They are quick-witted, humourous and fun to talk to.

I mean people are interested in different stuff.

Some people would be fascinated to hear as much as possible about the inside workings of a football club.

Others not at all.

So if you are interested in what the person is speaking about that's a good start.

Then there is of course the way you tell the story. Either in a boring recount of the facts or with some entertaining embellishments. Most people prefer a bit of embellishment and spin to liven things up, even if they don't want the entire tale to be based on bullshit.

There is a difference between telling a story and having a conversation.

A good speaker though will also be watching peoples body language to pause if they want to ask a question, or shut up and give them their turn to speak if it is a roundtable discussion. Not everyone has the skill to tell whether or not their audience is bored senseless.

Well, some people can monologue and still be interesting, because what they're saying is interesting, like they're telling you about something that happened to them that was actually unusual. And not just telling you what they think about the football or how it's been tedious trying to get a household repair done or whatever else. But then some people have a knack for making a story entertaining even when the actual content isn't that exciting, because they make it funny etc.

Boring people can't distinguish between what's currently filling their head and what is of interest to others. Yes, you care if your car broke down or you had a row with your spouse, because it's you. It means very little to anyone else, but they can't adjust how long they spend talking about it to fit with everyone else's level of interest.

A good definition of a bore I heard once: somebody who tells you EVERYTHING. Like all the details that don't matter, as well as the bigger points that do. You just tune out of the whole thing.

I knew a guy who had charisma. He was funny, but not attention seeking. He would notice if someone was a bit sad or left out and make them feel better without making a fuss. He was smart and interesting. Everyone liked him and I always looked forward to a party more if I knew he was going to be there. This was only a few years ago but I really cannot remember what he looks like at all. So I would say good looks and charisma do not necessarily go hand in hand

I think it takes self awareness to be ‘effortlessly’ charismatic. Know the audience and deliver what they find interesting.

just being interested in other people while it is a great skill and to be encouraged doesn’t make for charisma in my experience.

I was thinking this the other day when I was waching Death on the Nile with Peter Ustinov and David Niven, both used to be dragged out on these chat shows to tell their stories, they were expert raconteurs.

But who would fill that role these days, and how come they werent boring (because they werent)

I have a male friend who i find incredibly charismatic. Objectively he is not particularly physically attractive but he is very clever, without being arrogant, and has a very wide range of knowledge and interests…i love talking with him as he has so many interesting stories and anecdotes. He gives whoever he’s talking to his full attention and is very quietly confident…he can talk to anyone. He is unfailing polite and respectful to waiting staff for example. He has twinkly eyes, smells lovely and has the most gorgeous Scottish accent which i could listen to all day….in fact i think its the accent which has a lot to do with his charisma!

it isn’t just one thing, but a combination of things. Body language and social skills are two factors. Knowing how to read a room, and how to read the people you’re engaging with. Self awareness is also important. Knowing how to draw the eye, and how to hold attention. Further, knowing how to ‘set’ the emotional climate of the space you’re occupying. I also think that charismatic people often have a chameleon like quality.

A charismatic person isn’t the same thing as a humble person, and nor is it the same thing as an arrogant one. Similarly, being charismatic isn’t a quality that only ‘good’ people can possess.

I think there is a difference between being a good story teller and being charismatic. Sounds like the guy in the pub was neither!

Charisma is a charm, an energy, a degree of leadership and the ability to engage & persuade people. You can have all of that and not be a particularly good storyteller. You can also be an epic storyteller and not be charismatic. I have plenty of Irish cousins who can tell you a gripping yarn that will keep you hooked all the way through, but I wouldn't ever say they had charisma.

Thanks everyone for your responses, very interesting!

Do you think charisma can be learned / taught, or is just something you have or you don’t?

I expect it’s a combination of both - skills that come naturally but some of which can be learned.

IMO it’s a skill that, like most skills, you can have a natural talent for, but it can also be learned. Having a natural gift can be a leg up, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t also actively hone it.

Charismatic people know when to shut up and let people ask questions and interpose; they know when they're losing their audience, although they generally don't lose their audiences! As people have said, they come over as giving others their full attention in the way they talk to them - not wanting to be the centre of attention by talking.

They also lead with enthusiasm, not a need to prove how clever they are.

Charisma is about how you make others feel

boredom is not included. They ask you questions, they listen, make thoughtful comments. Good eye contact etc