To ask what makes one person interesting and charismatic and another a windbag?

[Chalo]

I was in the pub on Sunday with a friend, catching up. It was quiet and there was some football on one of the TVs, no sound. A middle aged guy was sitting alone at the bar and talking to the male and female barman / woman, both generally and about the football. It’s clear they were bored rigid by the chat; they engaged but just so much as they needed not to be rude, the conversation was very one way. He seemed to fancy himself as an expert, and he said he knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who works at the club who says this, that and the other.

It did get me thinking, what do some people have that makes them interesting and engaging? What do they do that the guy at the bar didn’t do?

I do appreciate the circumstances were a factor - the bar staff may have had other things to do than chat. But he was a windbag.

I also appreciate that what’s interesting to one person isn’t to another.

I think what I’m asking is why some people have charisma and what do they do differently?

Would love to know. I’m a windbag.

I know people are rude and selfish, never listen etc and make friends no problem.

I honestly don't think it's that simple.

I have a customer that oozes charm, he asks us about ourselves but always remembers details. It's not just a conversation filler, if you say you went somewhere he will ask you what you thought of it or maybe ask for advice. He will remember next time and ask how did the weekend go etc. He listens and smiles and always make me feel more interesting than I'm suspect I am, it makes me want to talk to him more. I suspect people love being around him because he makes them feel good.

Interesting...

I can think of two people who would read pretty much the same on paper, but are totally different in reality. One (Beth) is really charismatic, and the other, (Joan) is a windbag. Both are women of the same sort of age, and similar socio-economic background. Both can talk the hind legs off a donkey.

But when Beth talks, her stories are funny. Poking gentle fun at herself and the other people she's talking about. Even when she's talking about something more serious, she'll dress it up in humour and a bit of theatre.

When Joan talks, every story that comes out is a moan. But it's not a funny moan, it's a deathly serious topic, that sounds like it totally consumed her entire life.

And whereas Beth reads the micro-expressions and social cues of when people have had enough, Joan is seemingly oblivious. Continuing to monologue long after the other person has visibly lost interest and is actively looking away.

So basically, I think charisma vs windbag comes down to delivery and social awareness.

Without trying to brag, I think I can turn on the charisma at work, whilst my mum is the antithesis.

My mum seems to literally view other human beings as receptacles for her interests. Strangers literally have no individual identity to her. Young, old, any race, colour, creed. You only exist to here whatever is currently on her mind - she will literally latch onto someone (you can see her identifying them like a hunting cat) - and start talking.

When I want to make an impression on someone at work, I centre it on the other person. I have quite a wide-ranging professional experience, so I can ask relevant questions and am genuinely interested in their answers. I tend to ingratiate with a bit of "let's grumble about/laugh at the challenges we share" too. It helps people feel seen, and unembarrassed to admit challenges.

It by no means works universally, but it's been my role for a decade now to build relationships and extend the influence of my employers, and those are my key tactics.

I don’t think you can “turn on charisma”
or learn it or decide to be it. It’s like beauty. You either are or you aren’t. Also it’s not for you to judge if you are or aren’t - others decide that.

Completely agree, @TheaBrandt1

I think those who think they have it almost certainly don't. You might be pleasant, well liked at work or where ever, you might have a certain charm but it isn't charisma!

Yes, it is like beauty-real, rare beauty. Charm is like a pretty face compared to it. I think lots of us can turn on the charm in a particular situation-it's not that unusual but you're born with charisma. It isn't really tangible or definable.

I know plenty of people with charm but it's flashing rare to meet someone with charisma and I think we've all met people who cringingly think they are charismatic!

Advising people to smile, be aware of personal space and make eye contact is good advice for those who need help in personal situations and it will help, no doubt but it will no more make you charismatic than it will turn a cubic zirconia into a diamond.

I heard an interview with a senior journalist who said that even male journalists who were critical of him turned to jelly in the presence of bill clinton in his prime.

A friend of my parents was a senior journalist back in the 90s he said Princess Diana and Jemima Khan had it. Also my friend met Julia Roberts in real life and said the same.

A charismatic person will respond well to social cues and a windbag won’t.

I think that a person with a high level of privilege and confidence can go either way (particularly if they're a man IMO, as I think women are often socialised to pay more attention to social cues). He might develop the kind of charisma you describe, or he might turn into an arrogant bore surrounded by sycophants who laugh at all his jokes, never call him out for unkindness and never interrupt when he's taking forever to get to the point.

Are you thinking of Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor?! He definitely felt he was charismatic...

I wasn't but I could have been. I was thinking partly of an extremely rich businessman turned TV star, who did have some charisma in his own environment, but on a comedy show, he took his time telling a long, mildly amusing, somewhat self-aggrandising story, which showed that he wasn't used to sharing the floor or being interrupted. One TV critic likened the show's host (a talented comedian) to "a lamborghini stuck behind a steam-roller".

I think there is a difference between charming, and charismatic. Although there are alot of crossovers. I do think sone of it a self confidence that may be inherent, but could be tuned.

Trump, Farage and Bojo, more charismatic, less charming. Obama more charming than charisma. Joanna Lumley an interesting mix of both. Not keen on the policies of most of these folk btw just observing their followings.

Both charisma and charm though I think rely on voice a fair bit, and as someone who can make a positive comment sound like a telling off I'm absolutely neither charming nor charismatic. Which is a pity bc I'd like to be better at both, however as I get older I care less.

Interesting thread, I'm glad my mumsnet daily came back magically.

If you pick up on someone being bored rigid, it’s generally a signal to stop talking. That’s kind of key really. Anyone who keeps going, even when it’s obvious others have shut off, has zero self awareness.

This. He didn’t read the room. There was no back and forth. He was only interested in himself.

The charismatic man I know isn’t rich, aristocratic or handsome. He is tactile, smily, warm, genuine has an interesting job which he doesn’t bang on about but means he has lots of very interesting things to say. He really listens and is enthusiastic about what others say. So if you tell him an anecdote yourself he then asks questions about it and gives his view. He has no idea he is charismatic.

I think it can be learnt, people like Clinton etc have had years and years of coaching but of course some are better learners than others.

I think charismatic people are also rarely genuine, look at charismatic sales people or politicians?

Are they sincere? they gauge the audience and act accordingly.

I also think one persons Charismatic speaker is another ones Windbag ie Boris Johnson or Nigel Farage

It's who the person is.
You either have 'it', or you don't.
Its the delivery of the spoken words.
It's being bubbly (?) but not over the top and being able to reign it in at any time if needed.
Humour although not everyone find the same things funny.

Some sales people are so fake that I actually find it chilling. The scripted compliments and the pretend smiles... I met one sales person who pretended to laugh uproariously at his own jokes. I actually liked the look of what he was selling but I didn't trust him at all. I also met a chugger whose manager turned up to check on her and the two of them had entirely scripted banter with me, that they must have had with a hundred other people. Their mouths smiled a lot, but their eyes never did.

I felt as though I was in Uncanny Valley.

Where would you put the Colin Hunt from Fast Show on the charismatic - wind bag continuum?

Absolutely not.

Also has a pilates teacher some years back who was very charismatic. She didn't speak excessively and was very calm. There was always a chill out time at the end.

Hard to say why she was charismatic- a calm confidence..?