To ask what makes one person interesting and charismatic and another a windbag?

[Chalo]

I was in the pub on Sunday with a friend, catching up. It was quiet and there was some football on one of the TVs, no sound. A middle aged guy was sitting alone at the bar and talking to the male and female barman / woman, both generally and about the football. It’s clear they were bored rigid by the chat; they engaged but just so much as they needed not to be rude, the conversation was very one way. He seemed to fancy himself as an expert, and he said he knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who works at the club who says this, that and the other.

It did get me thinking, what do some people have that makes them interesting and engaging? What do they do that the guy at the bar didn’t do?

I do appreciate the circumstances were a factor - the bar staff may have had other things to do than chat. But he was a windbag.

I also appreciate that what’s interesting to one person isn’t to another.

I think what I’m asking is why some people have charisma and what do they do differently?

I think charisma is innate but can certainly be polished; I think the majority of us without natural charisma can still learn good social skills and even a measure of charm. There are different ways of being charming, and you should probably lean into the qualities have, but none of them involve telling long stories to people who aren't interested.

An engaging and easy smile, they actively listen to you when you speak, ideally yes, they'd also have some interesting things to talk about - or at least they're enthusiastic about stuff that would otherwise be boring

I'd caution people being too impressed by charisma - some of the best con artists have it in spades.

No charisma is a magic that you have
or you haven’t. It’s pretty rare. Two
men in our wider friendship group have it. Bill Clinton did and Princess Diana. You do or you don’t. No amount of listening skills creates it.

Some people have no personality though and are dead from the neck up. Its noticeable and sad.

They just dont ooze anything at all.

You dont wish to be around people like that.
People with fun, kind and caring personalities, with a bit of spark about them, are always popular. People enjoy their company and speak highly of them to others.

I think a lot of it is to do with money and confidence. How many poverty strick or homeless people get described as charismatic? It's also rarely a term applied to women.

Money = a private education instilling confidence.
= more confidence, nonchalant air of entitlement from a wealthy background.
=dressing really well, tailored clothes, good shoes - as someone said above, people notice when they walk in the room because they look different to others.
=access to interesting sectors of life, gives you more interesting stories and anecdotes. "When I was playing elephant polo in India" is already more engaging that "When I was in Tescos in Slough"
= name dropping opportunities.

It's not all about money obviously. Definitely part of it is body language and the laser focus that politicians are famous for but a background of wealth is often a big part of it.

In a word, personality. I think to a certain extent you're either charismatic or you're not. You can improve your conversational skills though.

I'm a teacher. Most really good teachers are charismatic. It's hard to keep a class engaged and attentive if you aren't an engaging person! I had a colleague who was a lovely, kind person, loved her subject, used good methodology and tried really hard to engage the students. She was theoretically a really good teacher and was at a nice school with well-behaved kids, but they just found her really boring. I felt really sad for her!

I have known charismatic women. One was a manager and her staff would have walked the plank if she asked, she was extremely personable, witty, funny, interesting and could command the room seemingly effortlessly.

I think it’s a calmness, confidence, they seem free of any internal discord and are sure of themselves. No arrogance or selfish tendencies. They radiate a warmth and welcoming energy.

It’s rare and special. Wish I had it.

Someone with charisma wouldn't be there talking to just two people though. As other people had come in, they'd have brought them into the conversation and ended up with a group round them.

I've read that people may forget a lot of things about you, but the one thing they will never forget is how you made them feel.

I recall chatting to a London Cab driver and he was telling me about the time Bill Clinton used his cab. He couldn't recall much of what they chatted about, but he remembered vividly feeling that Clinton was very interested in him. He called Clinton the most charismatic person he'd ever met.

so based on that one example, I'm going to say that a windbag is the one who wants to feel good and important, while the charismatic person want you to feel good and interesting.

not very scientific I know, but that's my theory.

There used to be a hairdresser at the salon i go to who was charismatic and as a result she was booked up way in advance.
She was good looking which helps, but it was more that she could have a really interesting conversation about a range of subjects, so you felt that you learned something after talking to her . Not the usual 'where are you off on holiday '

I think the bar staff weren't very good at their job! Isn't that the point of a barman, to listen to boring customers with no one else to talk to 🤣

I've told this elsewhere on here, but one of my university lecturers knew Oskar Schindler in Jerusalem in the early 60s. He said he was a very ordinary and rather shabby man, few people knew what he'd done, but when he walked into a room, without drawing any attention to himself, people were hanging on his words within minutes and 'the air changed when Oskar came in'. He said it was incredible. Said lecturer was very commanding and memorable himself and I believe him.

The most charismatic person I've ever met (only found out later that he was a war hero and had had a very, very interesting life) seemed totally unaware of his charisma and was just incredibly nice.

I think it’s when people don’t waffle on. I really hate when someone takes so long to tell a story and goes into minute details (unless it’s a very juicy story!). People who do this bore me

Interest in the person you are talking to, not biggin yourself up or sounding superior, a little bit of humour, kindness.

Monologuing= boring as shit
Conversing back and forth=engaging

I think it’s partly about the speaker’s motivation. If someone talks with genuine enthusiasm about football, because they love football, that’s OK to listen to even if you’re really not a football fan. But if they are trying to show off about how well-informed / well-connected they are, it’s tiresome. It sounds as if the chap you witnessed was the second one.

Generally I find that they’re funny! They know how to tell information and make people laugh and want to know more. Rather than droning on.

Yes - I know some people who can monologue or tell anecdotes which are genuinely witty and engaging. I look forward to seeing them and hearing their latest stories! They're intelligent, have interesting lives, and - crucially - they read the room, as you say. They aren't just wanging on in a self-absorbed way, they're reflecting the enthusiasm of their listeners, and they're equally enthusiastic about asking other people about their lives and responding to that.

I also know someone who clearly thinks they're charismatic and an entertaining raconteur... but very much isn't. God, they could bore for England. It doesn't matter how obvious your boredom is, their ten-minute monologues will limp on right to the bitter end. You'll probably hear the same one again next time you see them, as well.

I know a few people who are very much seen as charismatic - my BIL and a mum at school for starters - and to me, they just bang on about themselves and everyone hangs on their every word no matter what they are talking about. So I don't recognise the 'good listener' description at all.
I honestly think if someone is 'likeable' they can get away with a lot of supposed social gaffs.

Making people laugh, talking about yourself should be limited to especially funny/interesting stories (that you’ve had confirmation are indeed funny/interesting!), good eye-contact, smiling lots, interest in the other person, asking them thoughtful questions (not barraging them with questions though) a bit of a flirt, not afraid to push the boundaries a little on what’s appropriate to say in a social setting, great banter. I have a friend who is a total charmer. Everyone thinks she’s their best mate after first meeting her. She’s all of the above

I recognise this type. I'm curious as to how some people get away with it and others seem to lap it up and how others don't carry off the same behaviour.

I once switched a fitness class to dodge a very dominant personality who was like this accompanied with a frequent really annoying laugh, but everyone else seemed to love her and buy in to it. I found her really hard to ignore and concentrate on what I was doing because of the relentness volume and me-railing.

I don’t think you’re actually talking about charisma, though, you’re talking about how to talk to people in a way that doesn’t bore them, which just involves putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, recognising if they’re interested or not, giving them time to speak if they are, not monologuing, and paying attention to what they say.

If I say ‘Football bores me to the point where I earnestly pray for death when someone tries to talk to me about it’, then basic common sense will make you aware that I am not the audience for your anecdote about RandomStriker’s latest hat trick, or an explanation of the offside rule with two pint glasses and the salt and pepper.

its nothing to do with private school or clothes🙄. It’s an essence of warmth and confidence. It’s hard to describe but when you see it you know it.

You can’t learn it. You either are or you aren’t. Most of us aren’t!