To ask if this is what long marriage looks like?

[Thinkingof2026]

Married 8 years, together 18, two children (11 and 7). Husband works shifts and is often exhausted. I used to work shifts but recently got promoted to steadier hours. For many years DH has responded to minor issues by withdrawing and stonewalling ....days of silence, emotional shutdown. We’ve discussed it repeatedly, had counselling, nothing has changed. I used to not let it drop before, trying to get him to talk to me. But it mever got anywhere. So over time I’ve stopped engaging too when there's a dispute.

Im currently on just over a week of him stonewalling me.
I feel emotionally alone and worn down. I’m considering divorce but feel unsure and guilty. Is this just how long marriages are, or is this a sign it’s run its course?

Together 35 years, married 25 here. Neither I or my husband has ever subjected the other to withdrawing, stonewalling etc. we may have a healthy argument but in my opinion the behaviour you describe is controlling and nothing whatsoever to do with the length of a marriage.

I’ve been married for 13 years and never experienced this with my husband, his communication skills are top notch, but I have been given the silent treatment like you describe by a past boyfriend who in hindsight was emotionally abusive. I don’t think it has anything to do with the length of your relationship but rather the emotional immaturity of your husband.

It's abusive. Why stay? He doesn't feel guilty about acting this way, or how it makes your children feel.

Nope, not normal in a long term relationship.

Whenever someone says its controlling... I stop myself and think... is it? It's not the textbook controlling... and I start doubting myself. Is this just how he deals (or not deals) with conflict .

been married for over 40 years. None of this has happened, and i wouldn't put up with a DH who even tried it

No relationship regardless of length can work like that. That’s not how lengthy marriages should be.

Nope not normal in any length of marriage

Is it abusive?!?! Im finding it hard to define this

My ex used to do this. Note the ex. It’s controlling and abuse, pure and simple, and nothing to do with length of the relationship. I’m sorry you are going through this op, I know how awful it can feel. Only you know what you are willing to do next.

Thought I'd respond as very similar timelines - together 18 years, married 7 years, DD 10 years old, both work full time. And no, this is not anything like what our relationship looks like. Is it perfect, of course not but it's pretty bloody good still and he is my person and my safe space and he treats me with care and respect as I do him. When we have issues, we talk about them. This is not acceptable behaviour at any point in a relationship and if he isn't able to change then you really need to consider what you are worth and what you are modelling for your children. I wonder if you may benefit from some counselling yourself individually to help you talk this through. I wonder if your self esteem has been eroded and you are unable to see how poorly you are being treated. A simple technique for today is to sit and think about, maybe write down, what you would say to your child, best friend, sister etc if they wrote this op.

The silent treatment and stonewalling is classed as abuse and is considered to be “unreasonable behaviour.”

You can divorce him for it. Take legal advice so that the next time he fkng does it, you can slap him with what a solicitor has advised you.

If it goes on, stop wasting your life. It’s a form of control and nothing to do with the length of a marriage. Total bat-shit behaviour.

It's cruel and its purpose is to 'punish' you for something.

It's absolutely not normal ir healthy. I'm married 20 years and neither DH or I would ever do this.

My mother has done this all my life and I hate it with a passion. I honestly don't know how people treat those they profess to love in this manner. It is so hurtful.

It sounds absolutely toxic.
You have tried.
Time to look at your options.

Thank u
I agree

Trouble is i grew up in broken home and step parents etc where there were arguments and screaming and shouting all the time

The child in me, I guess, thinks at least this is better than that (for my kids at least)

Nope. You cannot continue to live like this.
I had an ex who had that issue, never again, living in that stress.

I do feel i could do with some counselling

I have completely and utterly normalised this behaviour

Did u try and get him out of the "stonewalling" at first?

I did, and then over time I've stopped trying as it doesn't work.... but now I find myself mirroring his behaviour... probably over the last year or so... and when we have had arguments in that last year and I said u have stonewalled me, he says, well u weren't speaking to me either. So I cant win either way

This is what my EX-DH used to do.

My current DH (of 25 years) has never subjected me to this. That's why I have a long relationship with him and why I divorced the ex.

No, it's not what long relationships should look like. It's abusive because it is a way of punishing you with the silent treatment and the refusal to engage and it effectively controls you because you get nowhere and give up.

It's as bad as screaming and shouting. I was the child of DPs who did this. DF reacted to any attempt to discuss anything mildly uncomfortable by walking off and silently doing the washing up. DSiblings and I were extremely damaged by growing up learning these patterns of communication.

I mean he will respond to me if I ask him.something about logistics (when are u back from work.... are u eating dinner... etc)

But day to day...its just silence otherwise

Hes so critical of anything I do

I bought the wrong oat milk
I bought potatoes when we didnt need them
I unblocked the toilet incorrectly

That kind of thing 🤦🏻‍♀️

I have to look up stonewalling.
Would you be practically better off on your own?
So the twat can unblock his toilet correctly.

Have you ever done it back? My husband used to do it before we had counselling and between that and me giving him a dose of his own medicine he did stop.

I'll never forget his face when he started talking to me again after blanking me half the week and I told him to stop right there, he's ignored me for half the week and now decided he wants to talk to me like nothing has happened. Um, no. I'm not a toy to pick up and put down when you like. You've ignored me for days, I'll be doing the same, for the same period. We can talk then.

His face was a picture. In all honesty though, we are very happy now so if you can break down the communication issues is counselling and you have something worth saving, it is worth doing.

I used to be accused of buying too much broccoli and opening the bag of carrots the wrong way. There will always be something that you are doing wrong. Now happily divorced and I buy as much broccoli as I want. Read It’s not you by Dr Ramani and take a look at her YouTube videos.

OP, this is abuse.

Please get yourself out of there.