To ask if this is what long marriage looks like?

[Thinkingof2026]

Married 8 years, together 18, two children (11 and 7). Husband works shifts and is often exhausted. I used to work shifts but recently got promoted to steadier hours. For many years DH has responded to minor issues by withdrawing and stonewalling ....days of silence, emotional shutdown. We’ve discussed it repeatedly, had counselling, nothing has changed. I used to not let it drop before, trying to get him to talk to me. But it mever got anywhere. So over time I’ve stopped engaging too when there's a dispute.

Im currently on just over a week of him stonewalling me.
I feel emotionally alone and worn down. I’m considering divorce but feel unsure and guilty. Is this just how long marriages are, or is this a sign it’s run its course?

No this isn’t normal.

Yes life does bring its stresses and we’re only human and may not feel happy all the time but me and my husband have open lines of communication, we apologise if we’ve taken out our negative feelings on each other and we want to be happy and make each other happy.

It's abuse not love. At all.

Maybe time to look up
"180 behaviour" in marriage
Either he will be forced to reflect on his behaviour, or you will be in a much better position to leave and move on.

Oh dear OP he really has done a number on you. Unfortunately the ignoring (which is not normal and is abusive) appears to be the least of your problems. Listening to the things you do ‘wrong’ (the milk/potatoes/toilet) - good grief! Not speaking must almost be a blessing. The clincher for me is talking about making yourself smaller and getting to the point where you apologise for being yourself. I don’t think this relationship is or should be salvageable. For the sake of your children get out and live your life as a full person.

I think this is coercive control and certainly not what a healthy marriage looks like. I don't know how to advise you, but leaving is very likely the long-term solution.

Thanks for all your replies

Another day gone by where he hasn't spoke to me (I havent spoken to him either )

Seriously considering my options on leaving

Planning in my head... logistics... finances.

I just worry about the kids, my youngest the most , I actually think my eldest will be happier in a way, but my youngest wont. Really dont know how to feel about that

In a way, if it was just me it'd be easier to leave... but its the kids being involved and seeing this that's giving me the push to consider leaving... but also them thats making me stay.

Really appreciate all your replies 8
❤️

Call woman’s aid. They can help talk this all through with you.

The kids are one of the most important reasons to leave. This is a terrible example of an adult relationship have in their house. They are watching how he’s treating you.

DH used to do this. I very clearly told him that sulking/stone-walling for 3+ days over a tiny disagreement was completely unfair and disproportionate, he realised how selfish it was and very quickly stopped doing it.

If your husband is unwilling to change then I'd seriously consider whether you want to live like this.

@Thinkingof2026 - No this is not how long term marriage works. Married for 15 years together 20. Not once have I been stonewalled by my husband or vice versa.

I don’t think stonewalling is ok, which is what your DP is doing.

There have been times when I have been so upset that I can’t just go on having normal conversations and pretending all is ok so me and DP only have civil conversations about practical things until we can properly iron things out. I don’t think it’s perfect, but I also don’t know how people can be genuinely upset by a disagreement and just pretend they’re not. FWIW though this has only ever been major things that would upset anyone (which once we ironed them out mostly were poor communication and not understanding each other rather than actually a big issue that ought to end the relationship or anything).

My Dad stonewalls, but he’s also autistic and prone to not talking much anyway so we never noticed as kids, I only found out as an adult when I lived with my parents for a year and he did it once.

I grew up the same way and it led to me accepting abusive behaviour like you are expreinceing from my spouse nd I ended up in psychosis

Staying just for the kids is never the right answer.

You make think you’re doing right by them but they will grow up watching the two of you clearly not in a loving relationship and you will negatively shape how they view their own relationships as adults.

You also may think they don’t see or know what’s going on but kids aren’t stupid. They can feel tension, see body language and sense the atmosphere.

Don’t let these small children grow into adults who will say “Mum I wish you’d left years ago.”

You also have to remember that one day these children will leave home and then it will just be you and DH all alone and you’ll be wondering why you wasted all those years staying.

Yes it's controlling, as his good humour is conditional on you toeing the line

Domestic abuse is much wider than violence

Read "why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft

No this isn't normal in a LTR

Sounds lonely and miserable.

following this thread. lots of wise insight.

I agree with PP it's definitely abusive- big red flags are the length of silence and the "issues" that cause it.

Due to my upbringing, I really struggle to express myself when angry, and I shut down. My partner would probably describe it as the silent treatment. But it lasts a few hours maximum (while I'm seething inside), and it happens in response to big problems (e.g., he came back from a night out 5 hours late, hammered and had to cancel the morning plans - without acknowledging any of this) not forgotten potatoes.

So yeah... not good and not what all long marriages are like.

No - I had a long marriage, before DH died, and we always talked through any issues, dealt with them, and then moved on, cheerfully, with one another.

What are the issues that you fight about?

I've been with my husband coming up 20 years and married nearly 18. My husband has never given me the silent treatment or refused to engage. Your husband is using the silent treatment to wear you down, and to stop you from having a voice. You don't voice your emotions anymore, because you know it's a waste of time. Therefore your husband is controlling your behaviour and moulding you to conform to his will. It's a form of recognised abuse. It has nothing to do with the length of your relationship, and everything to do with your husband wanting full control and you playing the part of the dutifully wife, who knows her place.

No, that's not normal at all. Of course married couples argue and may not speak for a while, but what you describe is abusive.

It's got nothing to with the length of your relationship and everything to do with your husband's personality.

People don't become total cunts just because they've been married for eight years. He just isn't a very nice man. He's got you walking on eggshells, he's hyper-critical and he has complete control over your emotional wellbeing (and that of your children).

I bought the wrong oat milk
I bought potatoes when we didnt need them
I unblocked the toilet incorrectly

I've been with my partner for 23 years. Never in a million years would either of us even think of being annoyed by these things, ever.

None of what you're describing is normal or reasonable. He's not a good man.

One of my parents would do this to the other for days/weeks/months on occasion, but then they struggled with periods of deep mental health issues.

After witnessing it on and off throughout my childhood and adult life, it is something my husband knows I absolutely cannot stand and will not tolerate.

In my mind the silent person believes they are taking a very dignified higher ground and exercising complete self control. In fact, they are completely deluding themselves, engaging in physiological torture of their loved one and engaged in a completely pointless one-sided battle which won't resolve the conflict, instead just trying to break the other person. The other person only able to guess at what they might have done to deserve it. And then it is over, with not a why nor rhymn nor reason.

No, it is not normal.

You wrote “For many years DH has responded to minor issues by withdrawing and stonewalling ....days of silence, emotional shutdown.
Hes so critical of anything I do
I bought the wrong oat milk
I bought potatoes when we didnt need them
I unblocked the toilet incorrectly”

MINOR ISSUES!
He doesn’t love you, he wants to punish you for something, anything - you bought potatoes ffs!!!!

Your poor children, even at 7 your youngest will see your unhappiness, you must be so absolutely dragged down and drained emotionally living like this.
Imagine how much better their life will be when they have a happy, content Mum, one who isn’t a shadow of the woman she could be.

Just because it's not violent doesn't mean it's not abuse.
He's withholding conversation and interaction as a means to control you. Being controlling is abusive.

That's difficult behaviour he has there and no, unrelated to marriage length.
The only relevance the length of marriage has to it is that if you've been together a lifetime, then there may be enough ties and compensations that you may decide to tolerate it, as on balance staying together would be preferable than separation.
If you had just met someone who did this, you'd likely run as you'd have little to lose. A life together makes the decision harder.