To ask if this is what long marriage looks like?

[Thinkingof2026]

Married 8 years, together 18, two children (11 and 7). Husband works shifts and is often exhausted. I used to work shifts but recently got promoted to steadier hours. For many years DH has responded to minor issues by withdrawing and stonewalling ....days of silence, emotional shutdown. We’ve discussed it repeatedly, had counselling, nothing has changed. I used to not let it drop before, trying to get him to talk to me. But it mever got anywhere. So over time I’ve stopped engaging too when there's a dispute.

Im currently on just over a week of him stonewalling me.
I feel emotionally alone and worn down. I’m considering divorce but feel unsure and guilty. Is this just how long marriages are, or is this a sign it’s run its course?

Not normal no. It doesn’t matter if it’s controlling or abusive. It’s unpleasant and if it makes you unhappy there’s your answer.

I have been married for 26 years. This is not healthy.
Sometimes we do need time to calm down, time to think, time away from the row. That is usually 24 hours max.
But, and this is essential, once we are ready to talk, then we come back to each other and apologise, talk, put it right.
Stonewalling is punishing you, it is not about communication or taking time to calm down etc, it is all about punishing you.

I do feel like its a punishment. Sometimes it days, sometimes it weeks, he's actually gone 2 weeks before!!!

Im so so sick of it. But because i now mirror his behaviour (i.e. dont talk to him either) I feel like the lines are blurred and not sure where to go from here because, if u like, im now just as bad as him.

It's so unhealthy and definitely not how I imagined my life would be

I agree with a PP that 8 years isn’t a long marriage. 30 years is. Can you do this for another 22 years? I’ve been married 10 years, together for 16. DH has never done that to me. And it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long either, feels like it’s gone quickly! Because we are happy!

I know that labelling it abuse is helpful because then you'd feel justified in leaving, but honestly, it doesn't matter what you call it.

Do you want to live like this for the next 20 years? For the rest of your life even? Because it sounds bloody miserable.

(23 years married - grew up in the misery you describe, and worse - and I can tell you it is not normal, and it doesn't have to be this way). I've never been given the silent treatment. No criticism. We just like each other and get on. He's kind to me. He indulges my quirks and I indulge his. It's a calm, relaxed, happy atmosphere in the house pretty much all the time.

Seriously, telling you off for buying bloody potatoes is about looking for an excuse to be unpleasant to you. This is what you do to someone you don't like.

It will also be having a detrimental effect on your children, existing in that house with that parental relationship. Please don't persuade yourself that it isn't.

My partner used to do this. He does have EUPD though and emotional dysregulation tends to come with that so his psych blamed it on this.
The last time he did it I told him I wanted to separate and for him to leave. Maybe temporarily just depending on if he got help for his behaviour and sorted himself out.
He left and spent 4 months accessing help, learnt coping mechanisms and more healthy ways to resolve conflict, came back, and hasn't done it since.
If your DH has been doing this for so long and getting away with it, hes likely going to Carry on doing it unless you start speaking up, give an ultimatum and be prepped to stand by it. Right now, why would he change or get help for the way hes behaving? You're still there welcoming him with open arms when hes ready to finish sulking and probably act like it never even happened.
Stand up for yourself, you deserve better and certainly don't deserve to live like this. It can't be doing your mental health any good

I worked with the sweetest lady once who had been married for thirty odd years to a man who would give her the silent treatment. The longest he went without speaking to her was 4 years. Yup, four solid years with not one word from him. I remember her coming into work one day and being amazed that he had broken his silence. I asked what had triggered him to break the silence - she had no idea. I couldn't believe she could live that!

Bloody hell 😭🤦🏻‍♀️

I had to google stonewalling. Good Lord that’s awful. And for a WEEK ?!! This sounds abusive. You poor thing. and poor children living in that atmosphere. You are right to consider divorce.
im married 13 years

Wouldn’t you rather be alone than this? He’s constantly punishing you with silence. To make
you comply. It’s abusive but it’s also cowardly af because he’s too chickenshit to discuss any problems and emotions.
ewww indeed. How very pathetic.

Same here.

Is this just how long marriages are, or is this a sign it’s run its course?

No. It's abusive and controlling. Your husband is a twat.

But you're here because something about it doesn't feel right, OP. That alone should tell you something. Trust your gut.
You don't have to try and prove it to him or anyone else, you don't have to have a particular reason for wanting to end a marriage.
Neither party needs to be the victim.
Whatever he is offering, whether it is abuse or just an alternative coping mechanism, isn't working for you and he can't seem to change.
So if you want out, get out.
You've given him eighteen of your years already, don't give him another.

He’s a bully

@Thinkingof2026you should read:

https://amzn.eu/d/gc9NEo2

Stonewalling is one of what Gottmann calls “the four horsemen”, which come into a marriage and sound its death knell if not fixed, I’m afraid.

Please don't continue like this.

My dad used to do this to my mum and the atmospherewas awful, eventually he did it to me and my brother too. I used to idolise my dad when I was a kid and when we had the inevitable clashes as I got a bit older I was confused and heartbroken when he would ignore me for days at a time. Two weeks silence because I got my ears pierced against his wishes when I was 14.

I spent my teenage years walking on eggshells and went on to have some awful early relationships because I had no self esteem, I would do anything for approval/ attention (especially from men) and shit men could spot insecure teenage me a mile off. It left me with a lasting feeling of not being good enough and inclined people please and avoid confrontation.

As the child of a major stonewaller can I speak to how damaging this is to experience for your kids. I grew up thinking this was how things were done - you don't say what's on your mind and discuss it and move on, you create a toxic environment where everyone feels uncomfortable. Your husband needs to be aware of what this is saying to you children as well. It's absolutely not normal and ok. You deserve better.

Same same

The silent treatment is cruel and horrible. I’ve had it done to me and it was unbearable. I think especially with children, you need to show them that that kind of behaviour is completely unacceptable.

In my experience the most important thing in a relationship is to communicate effectively - with care, consideration,respect and receptiveness - so you can solve problems and move on. Whatever you or any of the previous posters might term his behaviour (abusive/immature etc), the bottom line is there is no communication here, so to answer your question, no, this is not how long-term marriages are, this is how relationships fail.

Married 23 years here. I do things he hates he does things I hate we work with each other. We’ve got a functioning 21 year old at uni with a job and two idiot ex Pack hounds. We work (although I really want a cat which we can’t have till aforementioned bassets are gone).

He sounds awful and your life at home with him sounds utterly miserable.

I guess ask yourself would you like your kids to have a life like this when they’re older? Ask yourself do you want to live like this for the next 20years?

Then prepare your future based on the answers to these questions.

Nothing changes if nothing changes xx

Your children are watching you both - what do you think you are teaching them about how to be in a relationship? It is abusive, controlling and unhealthy.

No it isn't normal. I know DH and sometimes he will be quieter than usual when processing something, especially his emotions but its usually work stress as we don't fight often and he knows he can talk to me and does when he's ready. He wouldn't stonewall either we'll still be able to have a laugh or chat about stuff even when he's in a quieter mood.

Stonewalling is abuse.

Four years? Poor woman.

It is not normal @Thinkingof2026 , it
is a horrible way to behave.