To ask if this is what long marriage looks like?

[Thinkingof2026]

Married 8 years, together 18, two children (11 and 7). Husband works shifts and is often exhausted. I used to work shifts but recently got promoted to steadier hours. For many years DH has responded to minor issues by withdrawing and stonewalling ....days of silence, emotional shutdown. We’ve discussed it repeatedly, had counselling, nothing has changed. I used to not let it drop before, trying to get him to talk to me. But it mever got anywhere. So over time I’ve stopped engaging too when there's a dispute.

Im currently on just over a week of him stonewalling me.
I feel emotionally alone and worn down. I’m considering divorce but feel unsure and guilty. Is this just how long marriages are, or is this a sign it’s run its course?

These things might seem too small to be abuse, but it is death by a thousand cuts.

My ex was like that. I left. Do not regret it.

It shouldn't. I'm not married but I'm in a LTR and despite differences of opinion, occasional bickering, even more occasional arguments, this has never happened in the history of my seven year relationship. And I would leave if it did.

It may be "the way he deals with conflict" and he may find it difficult: but bottom line is in a family setup refusing to engage with someone for days on end is abusive. He has a responsibility to manage this in a way which doesn't lead to a horrendous environment.

My DP is constitutionally terrified of conflict (he had an abusive childhood and is on the spectrum). So he finds it really hard to argue and I sometimes have to drag things out of him. But there's no way he would sulk for days on end.

Yes I do it back now, that's the pattern I've fallen into after trying to get him.to talk never worked.

So yes I have tried. But I haven't tried saying "nope" when he tries to reconcile with me. I usually succumb.

It's really horrible living with someone who's stonewalling. He's insane if he thinks he can ignore someone and expect them to talk normally to him.

What would living separately look like, practically, financially and emotionally? Do you think your children would cope? Do they notice what he's like?

Yes it is indeed abuse. He is punishing you but without a hope of redemption because whatever you do it will never be good enough. It's psychological torture. He is keeping you where he wants you by using fear tactics (they don't always have to be physical) and he's telling you in no uncertain terms that he is very much in control. Does he refuse to speak to his mates, colleagues, boss or mother like this?

It all depends on how this affects you. My friend's parents went for weeks without speaking to one another in her childhood, she would move into mine when it got too much. They stayed together and are now in their eighties, they seem to get along better now, but what a waste. You have to give this a lot of thought as to how much you're prepared to put up with 💐

Together 20 years and never once have we given the other the silent treatment to punish them. We do row, but we sort it out there and then, then move on. And the reason we do that is because I grew up in a household with a dad who would give my mum – and us, by proxy – the silent treatment for days on end. Three weeks was his record. It's HORRIBLE growing up in that environment. Constant treading on eggshells and overcompensating – I've struggled with being a people pleaser my entire life because of it.

It's just as bad as screaming matches, trust me.

So, either have it out with him and say you're ready to leave, or just leave and enjoy the freedom of being able to buy any kind of bloody oat milk you want.

They are realising more recently what he's like, especially my eldest. My youngest not so much, but ive definitely noticed that shes noticed "this time"

This is what hurts.

Ive found myself apologising to friends etc "for my behaviour " if we have been on a night out and ive just let loose. Almost like myself comes out when im with them, but ive spent years having "myself" suppressed due to being "too much" or "too annoying"

I recently went on a weekend away with them for my birthday and I apologised after every night out they were like, wtf u apologising for !

I think my self esteem and confidence is completely knocked, socially.

Which is weird as career wise im thriving. It's almost like he hasn't got an impact there

Together 26 years and my dh has never done this. When I was younger I would often be moody and give him the silent treatment for a day or two when he’d pissed me off but I grew out of it by my 30’s!

That’s awful.

My dh loves to see me having a good time and never puts me down.

You don’t have a healthy relationship at all and it sounds like he’s badly affected your self esteem.

I couldn’t live with that no. And no I don’t think it’s just a typical marriage. It’s sounds abusive, im sorry 😞
I find it bad enough that my husband is a bit defensive/shuts down during disagreements. But he is really working on it and we always repair afterwards. We’re both working on better communication. However if he was full on stonewalling me, especially for days at a time, I couldn’t bear that. It’s so unfair on a partner and is emotionally abusive. I would feel like he was trying to control me (in the sense of a power struggle). Kind of like he’s trying to make it so unpleasant when you raise issues that you learn that it’s not worth it and don’t bother next time. And I could never be silenced like that. Is it making you feel awful?

No, it's not what long relationships should be like, and it's not typical. It's your husband, basically. Up to you how you deal with it, but I couldn't live like that personally.

I haven’t read all of the other replies but yes, this is a form of emotional abuse. It is designed to keep you on edge. The person doing the stonewalling has all of the power in that the person on the receiving end, you, is kept in a state whereby you don’t know how long it will last. Will it be an hour or a week? Only the abuser knows. It keeps your nervous system on high alert and will ultimately damage your mental health (if it hasn’t already). Yes it is both abusive and controlling.

This is not normal
You don't have to put up with it
You shouldn't allow your children to live with this toxicity

Is this a new thing? If you are connecting it to a long marriage then I assume not. I think it's what your long marriage looks like, but what's important is do you want it to look like that? Is telling yourself the story that your marriage is like that because of the length of time you have been together more palatable than delving into the reality? Not knocking you, I can imagine it would be.

Not normal at all, this is abusive behaviour

Been together 18 years, and even if we do have a little spat my DH has never ignored me or withdrawn. You should consider leaving

Firstly I would say I wouldn’t consider 8 years a long marriage. We were together for 7 years before we even got married and have now been married for 34 years. My PIL were married for 51 years, not that is a long marriage.
the question you have to ask yourself, is do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, for another 40plus years.
I think you already know the answer to that. My opinion, for what’s its worth is
’if it’s this bad now, it’s not going to get better’
You are not in a good marriage.

It is abusive. He’s not dealing with conflict because nothing gets resolved or dealt with. What he’s doing is punishing you for not doing things the way he wanted you to do them. And when he’s decided that he’s punished you enough, he decides to talk to you again and you’re so grateful that the punishment is over, and that life can go back to normal, that you let him ‘forgive’ you.

I would go into whichever room he’s in and tell him that he has an hour. In that hour, he needs to make a serious decision about his future because you will not be tolerating this behaviour for a single second after that hour. If he is not attempting to fix your marriage by the end of that hour, then you will take that as him not wanting to and will instigate divorce proceedings, so he’ll need to decide where he’s sleeping tonight, because it won’t be in your bed. And then leave the room.

I strongly suspect that this will make him dig his heels in, because the people who do this sort of shit do not tend to like being challenged. But if he’s got so little care for you that he’s intentionally causing you pain, your marriage is already dead in the water.

Something else to consider would be what your DD is learning from this. You grew up with shouting and screaming and you married a man who went silent. What happens if she does the same thing you did? Rather than someone who’s able to discuss things?

I've been married for almost 25, largely happy years and I'm the one who withdraws OP. I don't do it to control or be abusive, I do it because sometimes the effort of arguing is just too much and I need to remove myself for my own sanity.

We are struggling with a child with mental health issues which has put a huge strain on our marriage and it's the best way I can cope now.

Maybe withdrawing is your husband's coping strategy?

I think stonewalling is absuive, definitely manipulative. But it certainly isn’t healthy and loving and that is what a marriage should be surely? This isn’t normal imo. I once dated someone who would shutdown and put his head down and refuse to speak to me. We didn’t last long, I couldn’t cope with it.

Echoing this - together 34 years, married 24 this summer. Two [AUDHD] kids who have been core to a LOT of family stress, DH has very high pressure job with lots of travel/long hours. Neither of us behave like this. I am guilty of going off to another room to sulk calm down for 20mins if he really pisses me off, but he doesn’t let me get away with any longer than that so we usually bash it between us. We never go to bed on an unresolved row.

I wouldn’t stand for your ‘DHs behaviour - I’d have to insist he gets over himself or commits to therapy… or leaves. My DH would so the same if it was me behaving lie this.

How awful for you AND your children.

Oh i can tell you that as I am one of those daughters. Got into an awful emotionally abusive relationship and have spent a lot of my life tiptoing round people in case I upset them. My mum loved a bit of the silent treatment. It's so abusive, you'll do anything to make them start talking again.