AIBU to make teenage DD get a job

[Candleinalantern]

DD is 17 in a few months, she attends college 3 days a week, Tuesday to Thursday. On her days off she literally just stays in her room for 4 days on the run in her pyjamas. She only comes out for food and will usually sleep in until at least midday. When she is in her room I usually hear her playing with her friends online or FaceTiming them, or sometimes she is just on her phone or doing stuff. She probably goes out once a month of a weekend with her friends. She’s generally a good kid, cleans up after herself, sorts herself out mostly and doesn’t cause me any issues.

my issue is that I just don’t think it’s healthy, she has some anxiety issues so understand her reluctance to get a job but surely it’s not good for anyone’s mental health to be sat in a bedroom for 4 days straight? I WFH on a Monday and Friday so sometimes it’s just me and her in the house and I’ll ask her if she wants to come the shops or for a Starbucks during my lunch hour just the two of us just to get her out but she always just says no.

AIBU to think she should get a job just to get her out the house and amongst people or should I just leave her be?

also please be kind, I just worry it’s not good for her and didn’t know if this was normal teenage behaviour. She gets pocket money and can get by with what she gets and has told me she doesn’t need any extra money.

I think what people are telling you is that is it not normal for your DD to spend a day in bed after a shift at work. You can enjoy a job, and it still have a profound effect on you.
She will burn out later on down the line. She wont always bounce back.

This attitude is all well and good but how long are you prepared to support them for?

My family are very ND - most are holding down jobs of some kind even if low paid or not traditional type of employment. One isn't and at nearly 30 is draining an elderly relatives resources and causing everyone a lot of stress. Of course he needs support for his ND (& trauma) but he also at some stage will need to live independently and is now a bit stuck.

It's about finding the right role. I say that as someone who burnt out of a PhD and messed up my own future. I wish I'd pushed through or tried harder to get a job related to my voluntary role instead of just choosing self employment which seemed a good idea at the time to hide from the stress of workplace politcis and dealing with people but it brings with it so much of it's own stress and uncertainty.

There are volunteer jobs that are only a couple of hours a week that still provide experience and skills without huge commitment. 3 days college and one morning volunteering isn't a huge ask.

If they don't ever practice facing up to and pushing through the anxiety it only gets harder and limits their life.

It's very normal where we live. All of her friends work while at school/college.

Spending a day in bed after a shift happens when she reaches the end of her 6 week treatment cycle and is due another drug infusion. This is just something she has to manage. Her next infusion is being done tomorrow.

Last night she came home from college and went straight to bed with her heat pads to watch TV. Today she has set off to college as normal and will probably use her tens machine tonight. After her infusion she will feel better again.

I don't need either of you telling me how to care for my DD and I don't remember asking you to. I have kept her safe through many a health crisis.

The thought of telling her to give up her job is laughable. What do you think she is going to do for the rest of her life if she can't work. She will be 18 soon and after her college course ends she will be entering the job market.

Her condition is being managed as best it can, her mental health is being managed through medication and therapy and she has two loving parents at home who support her plus a nice boyfriend and good friends.

You are having an attack of the vapours because a teenager with health issues works one day a week in a lovely cafe on top of a 4 day a week college course. I honestly don't know what planet you are on.

Most people with her condition work full time and have accommodations in place under the disability act to help them do that. One of the teachers at her old school had the same illness. He was amazingly supportive and showed her that you can live a normal and successful life while the medication is working as it should.

I belong to a support group for parents of children who have this disease so if you don't mind I will stick with going to them for advice and ignore the unwanted and rather rude criticism and judgment from someone on Mumsnet who clearly has no clue.

You sound like you think anyone with any long term illness or disability shouldn't work.

exactly. Or a choir or music group - anything really.

My DD is probably 2-3 years behind her peers, so I’m happy to work on that timeline. I know when to push/not to push DD. She’s only just completed 1 term of college and is managing to do lots more than she’s ever done before. I appreciate what you’re saying but it wouldn’t be a good idea to push DD to do volunteering or a job right now. Yes, I appreciate for NT teens 3 days in college and 4 days off seems ‘lazy’. But for my ND teen this is fine. For now. If DD was 30. Not fine. We’re just taking things at a slower pace. I’m a bit surprised at your comment to be honest. Surely as a ND family you understand more than most when to push and when not to? OPs teen sounds very similar to my teen. I was just trying to reassure her that sometimes it’s ok for a teen to approach life at a different pace to their peers. And actually right now, 3 days of college is a big ask. Adding in a volunteering job would be too much. I’m proud of how much my ASD DD has progressed with her life skills over the last 6 months and am sure she’ll continue to do more. I hope OPs teen does the same.

Little as in few hours. A starter job. Jeez, try even harder to be offended, why don't you?

@Slightyamusedandsilly my old great great aunt used to patronisingly tell my mum it was nice she’d got a ‘little job’ and it was very much a put down. Mum worked bloody hard and the nasty cow used to condescend to her a lot, the phrasing was the same. To me, it’s patronising; not offended just my opinion.

@AngelsWithSilverWings Please don't take to heart what a few of the commenters are saying to you. You sound like a wonderful mother who does her absolute best to love, support and advocate for her daughter. Your daughter also sounds like a driven, resilient and capable young woman and I really hope that she goes far.

From your comments, it sounds to me like your daughter working alongside her college course is something she has chosen and wants to do and I personally think you are doing the right thing by encouraging her and supporting her in this. It is also clear to me that you are very actively engaged in understanding and helping her to manage her health conditions.

I honestly think you would be doing her a disservice to try and hold her back because of her disabilities and/or illness and the limitations it may present. But to the contrary, you are helping her to reach her potential! All the best to you and your daughter!

@OneZanyOpalPanda thank you so much - I really appreciate you taking the time to write that. I'm trying not to dwell on the awful things those two posters said about my parenting but it's hard. Thankfully they appear to have left the thread alone now.

Currently at GOSH waiting for her last ever infusion here. Her next one will be with the adult team at our local hospital and I will gradually be stepping back and encouraging her to manage her own care as she becomes more confident with dealing with all the different consultants and the complicated drug regime.

It's all slightly terrifying if I'm honest but I have to accept she is growing up.