AIBU to make teenage DD get a job

[Candleinalantern]

DD is 17 in a few months, she attends college 3 days a week, Tuesday to Thursday. On her days off she literally just stays in her room for 4 days on the run in her pyjamas. She only comes out for food and will usually sleep in until at least midday. When she is in her room I usually hear her playing with her friends online or FaceTiming them, or sometimes she is just on her phone or doing stuff. She probably goes out once a month of a weekend with her friends. She’s generally a good kid, cleans up after herself, sorts herself out mostly and doesn’t cause me any issues.

my issue is that I just don’t think it’s healthy, she has some anxiety issues so understand her reluctance to get a job but surely it’s not good for anyone’s mental health to be sat in a bedroom for 4 days straight? I WFH on a Monday and Friday so sometimes it’s just me and her in the house and I’ll ask her if she wants to come the shops or for a Starbucks during my lunch hour just the two of us just to get her out but she always just says no.

AIBU to think she should get a job just to get her out the house and amongst people or should I just leave her be?

also please be kind, I just worry it’s not good for her and didn’t know if this was normal teenage behaviour. She gets pocket money and can get by with what she gets and has told me she doesn’t need any extra money.

Thanks everyone, FWIW I’ve gotten her 2 jobs, the first one as a Saturday girl in my aunties hairdressing salon and the second one a cleaning one in a local bar (who we know the owners of) before it opens at 10.30-12 on a Saturday Sunday, £30 a week, she would be on her own and she actually doesn’t mind cleaning so thought this one would be a good one for her. The Saturday girl one overwhelmed her speaking to strangers which I get is hard for her and the cleaning on she said she couldn’t be bothered getting up early on a weekend.

Its hard parenting teens now isn't it. They go out so much less than we did.

At that age I did event waitressing and also was out every weekend clubbing...would be gone for days !

PT work is hard to get. Volunteering would be ideal as it can be just a couple of hours a week to start and something she loves like working at a pet shelter.

@PoliteSquid I had stint when at school working at a major supermarket, it was the first superstore in the area and there was around 20 of us on the check outs. We had to wear a pleated skirt, blazer , blouse and cravat! Plus it was type in numbers and assigning to the correct dept. Would have been 1983. It was my 4th job and I was 16. Because I did so well they put me in the cash office. We counted money by hand and machine. I remember counting out 24k, a days takings.

Why are you allowing her to hide in a cave? Tell her she can have one lie in a week other than that she must be out of her room by 09:00 and actively doing something. Leaving young adults to fester in their room is not doing them any favours. No wonder they struggle with the outside world when parents let them behave like hobbits.

I'd tell her that if she doesn't want to get a job then she needs to find something else to do with her time that's productive. Rotting in her room for 4 days a week is no longer an option.

I will add I think she can be a bit ND and I do know her social battery gets drained so interesting perspective that she might use the time on her room to recharge.

she loves cats and there is local animal rescue which she could see if they need volunteers.

shes honestly a lovely kid and I’m ok with her not working, it was more from the perspective of her mental health.

@Candleinalantern thats a shame, anxiety is a funny thing, I have it, started after my DD died so I know what it’s like to be supremely confident. One of the best ways to treat it is to try situations you don’t like. You can fold in on yourself, I shut myself away for a while and it just drains your confidence more.

She's 17. That's too old for pocket money. Yes, she should be looking for work, in less than a year, she will be a legal adult. She needs to learn to manage money and income now, before she is actually needing to support herself.

so sorry to hear what you have been through, she attended chams and was given tasks to push herself outside her comfort zone which she did so it does help.

Maybe because there aren't the jobs that were around 20 years ago. A lot of places don't employ staff just for the weekend.
I was the same college full time and working weekends but it's hard enough to get a full time job let alone weekend work at least in our area

Yabu to try "make her" as it's really difficult to find an employer that will accept under 18's unless it's an apprenticeship and even they seem far and few between or an employer that doesn't expect you to be "fully flexible" which as she has college still so she can't be. What I would encourage her to concentrate on is her finding voluntary work to boost her CV but and working on the presentation of her CV.

When I was 16 I was told that I would continue receiving my modest allowance for basic clothes etc but that I would be responsible for paying for my own social life. I got a Saturday job which helped me pay for things like cinema trips with my friends and more fashionable clothes I wanted, plus saving for my first holiday with friends. It was framed in a way that was more like “now you’re nearly an adult you are responsible for this” rather than things are being taken away. Would that work?

The problem is, she’s now 17 and doesn’t have any experience from volunteering etc. I made my oldest volunteer from 14, lifeguard course at 16, then straight into a part time job which she can do anywhere in the country. She’s now at uni and lifeguarding there. My ds will be the same, volunteering and straight onto a refereeing course at 14, then if he isn’t keen on it he can do a lifeguarding course at 16.

It isn’t optional, it’s something that they’ve always known is expected of them. If she can swim I’d get her onto a lifeguarding course.

It's not as easy as it sounds though.There are so many people chasing so few jobs.little PT jobs are harder to get now.I think even volunteering is hard to come by.If she seems happy then I would mention it but not put too much pressure on if shes generally a good kid

Yes, do encourage her to get a job or volunteer. She needs to pick up some form of work experience. My dd is 16 and adhoc collects glasses/ helps out at the local rugby club. It’s anything to put on her CV. Not very healthy to be stuck indoors not doing anything apart from gaming/socials 4 days on the trot. I thought she’d need to be studying or going to the library. That’s what we did in the hours we had as free study time, but college was full time over 5 days.

That was fancy! I worked in Tesco in the early 1990s and had to wear a hideous red and white dress. Only full time staff got a gilet so it was bloody freezing if you got stuck on the tills near the door! Character building stuff 🤣

‘Little job’ is so patronising

I know of Cambridge graduates that are struggling to find work. None of them have worked before and as an employer I’d be very nervous employing someone in their 20s with no work
edperimce. So yes! Encourage DD to get a job

Have you given her no jobs to do around the house? It is so unhealthy for her rotting away in her room. She is also going to get really lazy, she needs a bloody work ethic at 17 or is the tax payer going to fund her lifestyle at 18?

Absolutely - she needs to have a routine: shower and into clothes every day and out of the house every day, even if it just for a walk around the block.

I would strongly encourage her to get a job although the jobs market is dire. If she can’t get a part time job, some volunteering will help boost her CV.

Speaking for my experience at her age and my DN who is 16, yes I think you should make her get a job. Well not make her, help her and encourage her, that sounds much better.

I started at spoons in the kitchen and if you’re under 18 you don’t do closes and you don’t do some specific things (you can’t use the can opener, don’t ask why because I don’t know). I started at 17 and by the time I was 21 I was a manager making good hourly and good monthly bonus. It was a really good job because there was progression and you can move easily. I went from working in my home town to transfer to my university city. Got really good experience and earned well. Made loads of friends and also met DH. It gave me confidence and also gave me a lot of transferable skills. I also think it helped me with time management, studying for exams while managing working during college prepped me for how I’d need to manage my time at university. They employ a lot of students so they’re very understanding about time off in exams - even if you’re a manager.

DN currently works at MacDonald at 16 and it’s hard graft (way harder than spoons I’ll say that). It’s been really good for her confidence and also she’s not bugging her dad for money anymore. I helped her with the application, and she had to apply for a few before she got that job (subway, costa, local shops) and I think she got a bit disheartened, but it was good to learn and to work on her CV together ect.

When it comes to big cooperations vs small local businesses for a job I personally would say work for a big corp. I’ve done both and a lot of small business in hospitality do not abide by the law and do not treat their staff well. A big cooperation tends to at least give you your breaks, follow procedures for firing and hiring, and at least do the minimum. Honestly though if you find a good small business that actually cares about their staff then you’re set - so there are pros and cons to both.

This.
But does she not want to save for gap year/uni? If not a paid job then volunteering will at least boost her cv (and she needs to start thinking about that).

@MonsterMunchforbreakfast

I think the government needs to bring back some kind of YTS scheme I know it wasn't ideal for some but it's how I got on to the employment ladder.

I fully agree. I worked as the external accountant for our local chamber of trade who had the contract for the JTS and YTS schemes in the 80s so was heavily involved with them as I'd be going in to "do the books" for a few days every month, so got to know the staff very well and lots of the JTS/YTS trainees who'd got placements working within the Chamber of Commerce. The Chamber staff were heavily committed to the scheme and those on it. I saw the "outcomes" statistics which were very good and showed a very high proportion were kept on by the employer at the end of the scheme.

One of the girls I worked closely with, who was a YTS herself, in the accounts department was kept on, eventually became the finance manager and ultimately became the MD of the Chamber of Commerce, a position she still holds today, though she is about to retire.

I also was the accountant for another firm, in the next county who had a similar contract. They weren't a chamber of commerce, but a commercial firm, but made up as being a partnership of three ex-teachers, who likewise seemed committed to the scheme and those on it - again, very good outcome statistics.

I have no doubt that some employers took advantage, but most didn't, and having a good scheme management company meant there was good overview and youngsters being treated badly could be identified, removed and put with other employers.

Must be lucky where we are as all the teens I know have secured part time jobs if they have wanted one, even under 18. In hospitality - kitchen porter, room service seem to work for under 18. A bit of a limitation on hours but it is possible. I have three DC all secured jobs from 17. Appreciate that is may be harder in other areas.

OP
I've just read that you actually found her jobs but she didn't stick at them for various reasons.

My DD17 has diagnosed depression, ptsd and anxiety plus a chronic health condition that makes her constantly fatigued and requires a cocktail of drugs that give her awful side effects. She also has a mild learning difficulty/slow processing.

She has worked non stop alongside her full time college course since her 16th birthday 18 months ago. When she was laid off by one job she started another.

She knows that she has to be resilient and can't rely on handouts. If we genuinely thought she couldn't handle work we would support her financially but she manages it fine even if she has to spend a whole day in bed to recover after a work shift.

She has also realised that her mental health declines when she's not working ( she really struggles with half term and school holidays if she hasn't been given any extra work shifts) She would rather be shattered and in pain after a shift than have a week doing nothing.

Plus she loves having her own money.