AIBU to make teenage DD get a job

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DD is 17 in a few months, she attends college 3 days a week, Tuesday to Thursday. On her days off she literally just stays in her room for 4 days on the run in her pyjamas. She only comes out for food and will usually sleep in until at least midday. When she is in her room I usually hear her playing with her friends online or FaceTiming them, or sometimes she is just on her phone or doing stuff. She probably goes out once a month of a weekend with her friends. She’s generally a good kid, cleans up after herself, sorts herself out mostly and doesn’t cause me any issues.

my issue is that I just don’t think it’s healthy, she has some anxiety issues so understand her reluctance to get a job but surely it’s not good for anyone’s mental health to be sat in a bedroom for 4 days straight? I WFH on a Monday and Friday so sometimes it’s just me and her in the house and I’ll ask her if she wants to come the shops or for a Starbucks during my lunch hour just the two of us just to get her out but she always just says no.

AIBU to think she should get a job just to get her out the house and amongst people or should I just leave her be?

also please be kind, I just worry it’s not good for her and didn’t know if this was normal teenage behaviour. She gets pocket money and can get by with what she gets and has told me she doesn’t need any extra money.

My DD has worked in river island part time since year 12, she’s now doing a masters, and also works in a bar weekends to supplement it. We live in West Yorkshire and she found it easy enough to get both jobs. She is ND and worried about whether she’d be ok but it’s been the making of her. Plus the extra money and clothing discount is great 🙂

Both mine got part time jobs as soon as they got their national insurance through the post at 16! They were at school and sixth turn full time from 8-6pm mist days due to sports training but they worked on Sundays at the local pub. I stopped paying them pocket money so that was an incentive to work! Both now at uni and even now, they’ve got part time work at the weekends…I think it’s important to encourage strong work ethic in our children, to want to go out and earn their own money. I would sit her down and have a talk and help her find a job, anything..just to get out of the house, meet people and earn money. It’s a life long trait that will serve her well.

If you manage it, please let me know how. I'd love to shoehorn my own 17yr out of bed, but it's impossible. I've refused to buy anything bar the bare "essentials" for months now, but it isn't helping. Getting her to college is hard enough. The only reason she goes there, is because if she doesn't ive told her that I'll sell up and we will move to a new (cheaper) area.

What is she doing at college OP? If she does some relevant volunteering it might help her get a job in the future. She will need something on her CV and to talk about at interview other than just the college course.

Suggest she volunteers once a week in something that gives skills eg shop or perhaps appeals to her failing that just say to help society. They weren’t always that keen but my DD’s came with me once a fortnight to entertain people at our local nursing home, they are good singers and play multiple instruments, I felt they should give back and they really appreciated doing it looking back, in fact my dd is volunteering with veterans regularly now

My brother is mid twenties now and the same, never worked, dropped out of uni and lives with my Nan whose health is declining rapidly.

He does have a lot of childhood trauma, mental health difficulties/neurodivergence but is still perfectly capable of doing things he wants to do eg travel abroad, get the train into London etc. But barely lifts a finger to help my Nan round the house just sits in his room reading or gaming.

He has applied for some jobs but understandably his lack of experience and general apathy go against him - and the jobs he would stand a chance at getting eg warehouse shifts, agency work sounds like more hard work than he wants to do so hes stuck 🙄

Id really encourage any young people to get a job, volunteer or get involved with some kind of social sport or interest. Even if just once a week. It bolsters a CV and builds confidence whereas sitting doing nothing only seems to be a slippery slope to nowhere and becomes harder to get out.

That said ive been self employed for years and the thought of a real job, meeting new people and the rejection from interviews is daunting to me too! Volunteering is a good low pressure way to gain experience and can lead to paid work in some cases. Or a hobby eg my stepbrother did tennis and wound up getting paid to help out coaching the odd session here and there.

Turn the wi-fi off and remove the remote control from the tv during the day. Provide the same boring food for every meal, no snack at all. Provide SP, a bar of soap and cheap shampoo, nothing else. Tell her unless she is up and out every day the house is going on the market at the end of the month. She lies in bed because you allow it.

She sounds like a sensitive girl, so you might need to think in a different way about this. It might be that three days at college and going out with friends once a month is the best she feels she can cope with at the moment. I'd be more concerned if she was in her room 7 days a week but at least she is going to college even if it's not full time.
All the same, sitting in a room all day staring at a screen is probably not best for her mental health long term. Does she have any interests or hobbies you could encourage her to engage in? Maybe something fun to start with like an interesting evening class or sports club? Just to get her out of the house and meeting new people.
Once you've made some baby steps, you could try gently encouraging her to do maybe one day a week voluntary work perhaps. Voluntary work is a really good, gentle start into the world of work, looks great on her CV, can be fun (depending on what she chooses) and staff tend to be kinder to young volunteers, because they don't want to lose them!
When I was young I started out volunteering part time at a local city farm, I loved it and it helped to build my confidence which had been non existent up to then. From there I found my way into paid work. For me, the journey was much slower than my peers, but that's ok. I got there in the end and I'm sure your DD will too 🙂

@ERthree and make sure you have the first aid kit ready for when they start self harming because you have taken away everything that makes them feel safe and comfortable.

Tough love doesn't always give the result you are looking for - take it from someone who naively thought it would work and now has a massive weekly therapy bill to cover to help keep her child safe.

Encouragement and support are what's needed especially if a child is ND or has a mental health issue.

It’s not so much as she needs a job it’s that she needs to be getting out the house more. I was FT college & had an evening job (20 hours a week) so she’s definitely got space to fit one or some volunteering in there.

she might have anxiety issues but staying in her room 4 days a week certainly ain’t gonna help her.

I think these days it is harder for young people to get these Saturday or part time jobs, but it is certainly worthwhile if they can, as it encourages a 'work ethic', that is useful for when they want to get their first proper job.
By work ethic, I mean the fact of getting up, being on time, and obeying instructions etc.
One of my dc worked at a Saturday job in a supermarket (which also included Friday evening). With this they can also try for a summer job in a similar field. Another worked on telephone sales, etc.
However, I do believe it is harder these days, but I would certainly encourage them to try.

Did that work with YOUR teenagers??? Because it doesn't work with mine. As I already said, I pay for the bare necessities, and I'd really prefer that she went to college than sell my house.

I’m sorry, you’re enabling her!.
You got her a job, but she couldn’t get out of bed to do it?.
Seriously!. How is she supposed to learn to be an adult, if you are allowing her to turn down a job, just because she cannot be bothered to get out of bed?.
At 13 mine were working, because I told them it was their earned money, I wanted none of it, at 16 they had bought themselves a iPhone each, at 17 they were paying a phone contract, all while being in school/college.
At 18 they were paying me £20 a week towards the electric, gas and internet.
At 20 they were paying me £25 a week towards electric, gas and internet.
When they moved out, my combined bills dropped by £800 a month.
You are giving your not so little child pocket money, for doing nothing, while you work to provide it.
The least she should be doing is some housework, she’s living a good life of doing nothing, because you feel sorry for her!.
Are you still going to allow her to live at home jobless in 5/10 years time?, because she has no incentive to actually work, you’re obviously paying for her phone, internet, food etc and I bet even doing her washing, ironing and cleaning, not to mention being her taxi service and all the other things us mothers are roped into doing.
You need to start giving her incentive to take up a job, maybe give her a minimum basic phone contract, maybe ask her to get a job to contribute to the household, maybe decide that she needs to be able to get her own shopping.
You certainly need to teach her the value of money, that she should actually work for her pocket money and the idea that getting up to go to work is actually a thing.
College won’t last forever, neither should your giving an almost adult, pocket money.
Because the last thing you need is an unemployed 30 year old occupying your home.

It would be good for her to have more in her life or it could burn her out.
Keeping busy is better for the mind. IMO.

Very difficult to get a job with the hours she's not at college unless it's a Saturday job in a cafe or pub kitchen type of thing . Volunteering would get her out and doing something useful. I Volunteer in a charity shop and we have lots of teens who do a couple of days a week and they do seem to enjoy it .

Totally! She should be making the most of those days for work experience hopefully in a field related to her course or at least just a low level minimum wage role or a few hours volunteering. My son is 17, in college 5 days a week but has had a job since Christmas in a pub for 12 hours a week. He’s naturally quite lazy but he is also desperate for money so he’s willing.

You said to be kind and that your kid is not causing you any issues and is anxious.
In that case, see that you are kind as well and don't "make" her do anything, talk to her about getting a job, possibly help out.

My similar age dd has a job in the summer, but she does volunteer work during the school year. She has AsD and anxiety and does need some decompression time. She also understands the importance of having something on her CV hence why she has found assorted volunteer work. She had one main volunteer job and then picks up extra things through her school. They heavily promote volunteering.

if we needed her to be saving money I might take a different approach. As it stands right now, we have her take her summer earnings and put them into a pension fund. We are putting our money towards her spending money and university savings.

My DD is 17 and at sixth form. She works PT as a lifeguard. It has taught her so many skills and she has a great disposable income which gives her some independence. Look at local leisure centres to see if they offer the course to do the qualification. It isnt easy though so she would need to be both supported and motivated. My two sons started off with paper rounds and poorly paid jobs in a local chip shop. Again it gave them so many slkills.

Amazing life skills and extra pocket money for DD so yes encourage her.

Teenagers shoukd work - it sets up the work ethos.

It would be good but it’s very difficult. If she has no experience in work at all, she should volunteer for a couple of hrs once a week. It’s not much time but it will help her to develop skills and it’ll look good on her cv.

You can't be 'a bit' ND, she either is or isn't and if she is then she needs that time to decompress. If that is the case, getting a job could lead her into burnout and derail her entirely.

Of course she needs to get a job, she sounds pretty lazy slobbing around the house. Why are you giving her pocket money if she's not actively doing any chores?

Pocket money should stop and that would give her a kick up the bum to get a job, not to mention look good on her CV for when she goes to uni/career.

No reason why she couldn't do weekends at McDonalds, waitressing, shop work etc!

I agree she needs to be working and budgeting. You don’t really get much life experience until you start working. Even just a few hours on a weekend would be good for her. Hard if you don’t live somewhere with good transport though.