AIBU to make teenage DD get a job

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DD is 17 in a few months, she attends college 3 days a week, Tuesday to Thursday. On her days off she literally just stays in her room for 4 days on the run in her pyjamas. She only comes out for food and will usually sleep in until at least midday. When she is in her room I usually hear her playing with her friends online or FaceTiming them, or sometimes she is just on her phone or doing stuff. She probably goes out once a month of a weekend with her friends. She’s generally a good kid, cleans up after herself, sorts herself out mostly and doesn’t cause me any issues.

my issue is that I just don’t think it’s healthy, she has some anxiety issues so understand her reluctance to get a job but surely it’s not good for anyone’s mental health to be sat in a bedroom for 4 days straight? I WFH on a Monday and Friday so sometimes it’s just me and her in the house and I’ll ask her if she wants to come the shops or for a Starbucks during my lunch hour just the two of us just to get her out but she always just says no.

AIBU to think she should get a job just to get her out the house and amongst people or should I just leave her be?

also please be kind, I just worry it’s not good for her and didn’t know if this was normal teenage behaviour. She gets pocket money and can get by with what she gets and has told me she doesn’t need any extra money.

Did this work for your teens? How long did it take?

DDs friend has applied for 90 jobs and has finally got one, he has been very motivated and it’s still been hard to get one.

I agree with others that say getting a part time job is easier said than done. Even trying to pass the online assessments these days can sometimes be impossible and very baffling as to how you haven't passed, with years of experience/qualifications.

I would, however, get to her to volunteer in a charity shop or a youth group, even if it's once a week.

Mine were lucky enough to get jobs at 16, move away to uni and have those same jobs kept open for them every holiday they were home. Ds2 is in his third year, just gone back and worked all Xmas. They’ve asked him to call them again at Easter. I don’t think it’s as easy getting that foot in the door though anymore which is a shame because they’ve proved invaluable on so many levels, least of all the money.
DS1 was asked mostly about his pt job of four years at JD sports when he landed a grad role last year, and DS2 has just secured an internship for his fourth year with again, many questions about his job of four years at Papa Johns! They had both also done paid football refereeing. Anything extra to talk about is a good thing. Academic qualifications alone will not cut it anymore.

The job market is totally different now to when many of the parents on here got their first job.
Even min wage retail jobs are wanting years of experience, and you have to go through several lots of interviews and tests to even get them.

I second the suggestions of volunteering. St John Ambulance is good, and take on teens. You learn really useful skills (First Aid, and you can do more advanced stuff too). When I went, we met once a week to practice skills, do role play, and once you "qualify" and get your uniform etc, you can do duties... that means free entry to local events (some of which are pretty good), and siting around drinking tea and chatting. Not many people need first aid at all.

I think the fact she has been offered jobs but is refusing to take them is a worrying sign. Is she lacking confidence or is she just lazy? How much pocket money are you giving her? I don’t think it’s normal to be in your room for 4 days a week. She needs to get out and start living a bit. I think you need to get to the bottom of why she is refusing work and go from there. Volunteering can be great and boosting confidence. Places like the national trust or charity shops are good. Doing nothing for 4 days straight would not be acceptable to me.

It sounds like she’s autistic. My ASD DD does the exact same hours at college as yours and needs the 4 days off to recharge and regulate herself.

If she’s not causing you any trouble and isn’t pestering you for money, I’d leave her be. I’d be gently encouraging her to go out more but if she’s is ASD that’s easier said than done. Is she getting good grades at college? Settling in well? If yes, leave her be. She’ll get there in her own time.

It would definitely be good for her but if she doesn’t want to do it then it will be very hard to make it happen.

I was desperate for my 18 yo DD to get a job a) for life skills and b) because I was sick of bank rolling her social life and constant requests for little bits of money here and there that add up. In the end I told her I will be stopping her allowance and she has now got a part time job washing up in a pub which has been really good for her recognising the value of money, budgeting and managing her time. She applied for quite a few before she got this but with persistence it was possible. If your DD is not motivated though I just don’t know how you can make it happen.

This is devastating to read. When you say she knows she has to be resilient and can’t rely on handouts what has really happened is you have told her this and it’s clear that even at 16, you have made your child feel like it’s not your job to be a parent and support her financially.

And no one sane would rather be shattered and in so much pain they can’t get out of bed for a entire day after a work shift than have a week “doing nothing” unless they have been groomed to feel that work is so important that it trumps their own health.

She has a learning difficulty, physical and mental disabilities and you’re literally guilting her into over extending and exhausting herself with work as well as study. She is never going to achieve her academic potential with under such crushing demands. She is headed for burnout at the very least.

DD is 17 in a few months, she attends college 3 days a week, Tuesday to Thursday. On her days off she literally just stays in her room for 4 days on the run in her pyjamas. She only comes out for food and will usually sleep in until at least midday. When she is in her room I usually hear her playing with her friends online or FaceTiming them, or sometimes she is just on her phone or doing stuff.

Colleges these days have a lot of independent study and work. She will be doing that while in her room as well as recharging. Perhaps that is the only space where she can focus on her studies without distraction or interruption. As for wearing pjs, who cares? Tons of people who WFH do so in their pjs.

This. PP's DD is not coping fine at all.
Having to spend a whole day in bed to recover after one shift is not healthy and is not normal. Once she is out earning alone and being responsible for bills, she is going to work herself into burnout and/or ill health.

My fear for all these young people stuck in their rooms is that even if they are ND then how will they cope in the world in a few years time? I see lots of unemployed people in their mid 20s living at home with parents rent free with no incentive to work because it would cut into their lay ins or gaming time. Plenty are said to be ND and maybe they are but does that exempt them entirely from participating in society? After a few years parents start to get sick of it and ask for mental health help but it’s hard to change habits that are so ingrained and there are precious few services for adults in this position especially those unwilling to do anything to help themselves.
If a person needs 4 days alone in their room to cope with 3 days of college then what is their life going to look like? Would they not be better served to develop some coping strategies now than be facilitated in their avoidance?
I don’t exactly know what the solution is (some kind of carrot eg cat volunteering and stick eg internet goes off for periods/ allowance gets docked??) but I think OP is right to be concerned that this is an unhealthy situation and I would not just be leaving her to it.

What can be done about the jobs market though for young people? Surely the knock on affect for their future is very worrying ?

I agree she needs to get out of her room and preferably out of the house. But that does not need to be a job.

Not easy getting a "little part time job" anymore. My DD is also 17 and applied to loads once she'd finished her GCSEs last summer - not even an interview. All the supermarkets and hospitality places wanted over 18s so they can do late shifts.

She's now volunteering a couple of hours each week in a charity shop. It's relatively quiet so she's not overwhelmed, and it's helping her pick up some skills and increasing confidence (she's AuDHD with a catalogue of mental health disorders). Even so, she has to be 18 before she can use the clothes steamer or the till, because of insurance.

Perhaps a sport or exercise?

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice you clearly don't know my daughter or me.

She puts this pressure on herself. She was abandoned as a baby, born addicted to heroin and then diagnosed with a lifelong incurable disease at 12 years old after nearly dying because we couldn't get her in front of a doctor due to the Covid lockdown. And yet she has always worked harder than anyone I know and has the mos amazing resilience.

As for her not reaching her academic potential. She was told she would never get any GCSEs by her state school. We moved her to private school and also paid for a specialist tutor and she then worked her socks off to get her 5 passes at level 4 and 5 ( missing a 6 in English by two marks)

We have spent £££ on therapy to support her with her mental health issues. She knows we will support her financially forever but she doesn't want that for herself. She has ambition and drive. Don't you dare tell me I'm a bad parent.

When I said she knows she can't rely on handouts I really meant that she doesn't want to and knows that a life on benefits will not give her the life she wants.

Her illness and pain fluctuate depending on her treatment cycle. She can't take strong pain killers like other people can so has to find alternative pain management and sometimes that means staying in bed all day with heat pads on a team machine.

She will push through the pain to get through a day at work because her job is so important to her.

We are aware that her life is going to be a struggle until a cure is found and we will always be there for her and she knows that.

True, I only know what you write, which is disturbing.

You should be helping your DD to not put so much pressure on herself instead of lauding it. She is destroying her health in front of your eyes and you’re using her to tell other parents their kid is lazy.

It’s up to you to show her how to balance health, life and work. To tell her do not push through the pain to get through the day because NO JOB is more important than her long term health.

Lauding it and enabling it, you’re just putting her on an unsustainable path to burnout and worse health.

The fact she is an adopted abandoned baby will be playing a huge part in her psyche of wanting to please you and not disappoint you so as to not be abandoned again. You need to consider the adoption trauma here as well.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice I have spent the last 5 years monitoring my daughter's health and managing her treatment under advice from Great Ormand St. I check on her health daily and know when she needs to rest and when she is fine to work/attend college. I advocate for her when dealing with the four specialists she is looked after by. I am guided by her but she rarely lets her illness get the better of her. Please calm down - you clearly have no idea. She works one or two days a week in a cafe bar. I'm not sending her down the bloody mines!

I really feel for your daughter, the way you talk about ‘she rarely lets her illness get the better of her’ is an unrealistic expectation. I do wonder if her life could be less of a struggle if you had not insisted on allowing her to work 2 days a week from age 16 with her being in such poor health. I know her grades would be higher if she didn’t have to be a full time disabled student AND also work a part time job. As for ideas, I have a disabled daughter too (not adopted, that adds an element of a child trying harder to earn your approval) with a chronic, painful lifelong illness and it is never ever a good thing to push through the pain just for a job that lands you in bed in too much pain to get up for a full day afterwards. That’s time lost from her life. That’s a huge sacrifice just for a bullshit job in a cafe as a teenager. When does she get to enjoy herself?

I agree. It is like telling someone with a fractured leg to try and run a marathon. Don't worry about the pain, you can rest after.

It will catch up with her later on.

Yes it will.

It is very hard to get a job now. Many articles have said how it's now rich kids who get a part time/summer job, as they do have the contacts. Some friends who are professionals say they had to do the applications for what would have been "easy to get" jobs in my day, and they struggled!
Businesses say how hard things have become recently, and they can hardly afford to employ anyone, so they would surely rather have an 18 year old who can do much more.
I'm sure the odd person will say they know teenagers with jobs, and I'm not saying it's impossible, but it is much harder than it was in the noughties, where you could just pop in a shop with a CV and get hired instantly. A shame, as I honestly believe having a part-time job is really good for kids.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice you do you. I can't believe anyone with a disabled child would be so rude and judgmental towards another parent.

My daughter just wants to be a normal 17 year old with a weekend job and her own money just like her friends and her siblings.

She has great friends, a social life and a lovely boyfriend. She does 4 days at college, has Fridays off to catch up on assignments if needed and works in the cafe on Saturday 10 til 3 plus the occasional Sunday only if she is needed due to a special event being on. She enjoys work. She met her boyfriend there and socialises with the other young people who work there. As I said in a previous post she tells me that working is good for her mental health and she goes into a decline if she isn't busy. You sound like you want me to lock her up and prevent her living the life she wants. I am absolutely aghast at the things you are accusing me of.

I just want you to have a think about the sustainability of pushing, enabling or encouraging her that she can be a “normal” 17yr old when she has a learning difficulty, plus physical and mental disabilities.

By the way, most normal 17yr olds don’t have school and a job. So your idea of normal is already a high bar for her to live up to.

I wonder, would you accept less than your idea of normal? The fact she views a job in a cafe as more important than her own health is something taught. And you raised her…

My DD is older than yours- she is in Uni. Not working a job. May need a gap year to do nothing but rest before going back to finish.

So I dare say, I’m further down that road than you and if you don’t want my hard won wisdom on how life is a marathon not a sprint, and a teen with serious disabilities cannot LARP like they are a healthy teen for very long, then that’s fine. It’s your DD that will pay the price in the end. For her sake, I hope you will reflect a bit on what I’ve said once the defensive reactionary phase passes.