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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be struggling so much with DH having a vasectomy?

91 replies

AveAtqueVale · 11/01/2026 22:07

Less AIBU, as I'm pretty sure I am, and more 'how can I stop being silly about this?'

We are very lucky to have 3 beautiful DC. There is a large age gap between number 2 and 3 because DH wasn't sure if he wanted any more. He eventually decided he was happy to have another, but was always clear that would be it. I was/ am on board with this as I do think we're at our limit now, and would struggle for a myriad of practical reasons to manage any more kids. Plus I'm really rubbish at being pregnant, and found it much harder with DS3 than with the older two, being that much older myself.

Anyway, DS3 is now 15 months and DH has finally got round to booking a vasectomy and I am struggling SO much with the idea, which has taken me by surprise a bit. I know it wouldn't be sensible to decide to have another child, but I find the idea that there would be no possibility at all of a happy accident for some reason very hard to live with. I'm also still only mid-30s and most of my uni friends/ similar aged work colleagues are only just starting to have kids so feel it's quite early to be definitively done.

DH has said he won't go ahead if I'm not ok with the idea, but honestly I don't think I'll ever be 'ok' with it beyond where I am now - which is agreeing for practical reasons that 3DC is probably enough, and feeling strongly that it's his body and his choice, so I shouldn't really have a say. I hope once it's done I'll just accept it and be fine, but at the moment it's really upsetting me and I'm struggling to have a sensible conversation with him about it.

So AIBU? (Yes) And therefore any tips on how to get over myself?

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 11/01/2026 22:18

I don’t think YABU to feel how you do especially since it’s clear you just need to express the emotions despite knowing full well you’ve had all the children you will have, and you aren’t standing in the way of your DH going ahead.

CalmShaker · 11/01/2026 22:21

That's a hard one, I'm not going to vote as can't decide

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 11/01/2026 22:22

Having a vasectomy was the best thing for us. Similar circumstances, we have two close in age and then a third a few years later and we are definitely done. If DH is definitely done having kids then let him have the vasectomy.

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 11/01/2026 22:23

It wouldn't be a "happy" accident for your husband though, would it.

RobertaFirmino · 11/01/2026 22:26

What if DH was upset about you having a tubal? What would you say to him?

smallsilvercloud · 11/01/2026 22:29

It’s hormones, Mother Nature trying to talk you into just one more, in reality 3 is more than enough, I’m remember feeling the same at your age, further down the line and I’ve got my freedom back, I’m so glad I stopped at 3!

TheaBrandt1 · 11/01/2026 22:33

Four kids is a huge endeavour. Only family I know with 4 it was a genuine accident and she was devastated. The thought of parenting four through the teenage years - god no way.

BendingSpoons · 11/01/2026 22:42

We have 2 kids and that's the right number for us. We don't want any more and I feel we'd be stretched too thin. I still don't like the idea of DH having a vasectomy, as it's very final. I feel like something could happen that could lead to us changing our minds and I don't want to fully close that door. It's a bit irrational, as I also feel a little bit panicky at the thought of an accidental pregnancy. I have the coil which works well for me, and is less final. My age means I haven't got many fertile years left and that has also given me pause for thought.

Homegrownberries · 11/01/2026 22:53

It's interesting how you say you're only mid 30s. Medically, 35 is considered advanced maternal age and in some circles still called geriatric pregnancy. No judgement. I just find it interesting how we're viewing it so differently now socially when medically nothing has changed.

Hello39 · 11/01/2026 22:55

My friend also wanted no 4....and it was twins. 5 kids is hard!

DarkForces · 11/01/2026 22:59

I'd calculate the cost of living increase over the last few years and imagine if it continues at this pace. That's enough to terrify me enough to avoid taking on any new long term commitments

Lighttodark · 11/01/2026 23:00

my opinion and many will disagree - mid 30s isn’t young and just because friends are just starting families now/it’s the social norm, doesn’t mean it’s a good decision to have more just because you’re a similar age. more importantly, your husband clearly doesn’t want any more kids!

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 11/01/2026 23:00

Do not talk him out of it!

I'd consider getting some therapy but in your shoes one of my top 10 nightmares would be:
I talk my dh out of vasectomy
He is clear he is done with kids
I somehow get pregnant...
Every scenario that follows on from that would be fucking awful.
there are no happy endings really.
Its an Abortion that haunts you; various marriage breakdown scenarios; A child being born and growing up knowing or suspecting their birth was the catalyst for their parents strained and unhappy marriage...or knowing their father doesnt like them... or resents them or Their siblings resenting them....
The list goes on...

Argh I feel itchy thinking about it.

You have 3 healthy kids in your mid 30s and a good (from the sounds of it) marriage.
Many, many women would pay good money to be you!!!! You have so much - quit while you are ahead!

LayaM · 11/01/2026 23:05

In some ways I think a definite end can be a good thing. It's not the same but I remember those feelings of having to let go of the possible when we decided to stop IVF for a second child. It was 100% impossible for us to conceive naturally so I knew that was it. It was very hard to accept but in time I began to appreciate the child we have, look to other things I could do with my life, and move forward.

The problem with thinking about happy accidents is that it dangles the possibility in front of you indefinitely and kind of stops you from having to face your feelings and move on. But your husband has been clear and it sounds like he's been reasonable in compromising on a third that he probably wouldn't have chosen to have, so if you were honest with yourself, you know a "happy" accident is never going to happen because it wouldn't be fair or happy for him or for your relationship. Better to face that now and work through it than taunt yourself with maybes for another decade or so.

WaryHiker · 11/01/2026 23:09

I do get it. After three boys, you're probably secretly hoping for an accidental girl. Maybe ask yourself if you'd had both sexes would you be happy or horrified by an unplanned fourth pregnancy and leave the possible sex of the baby out of the equation. I say this as someone who had three boys and made our decision whether or not to go ahead with the fourth baby we'd always wanted on the basis of assuming it would one hundred percent be a boy.

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/01/2026 23:14

If he had to be talked into a third and has decided he wants a vasectomy because he now knows he’s done then I can’t really think of any scenario where an unplanned pregnancy is going to end in happiness. You have three children and what sounds like a secure, content family unit - that’s what your children need you to strive to maintain for them. He needs to go ahead with what he wants. You need to come to terms with that and enjoy your children at all the stages they have ahead of them, not just the baby stage.

I’m not sure any sensible conversation can involve you saying you’re upset about the finality meaning no possibility for “happy accidents” without making him doubtful of being able to trust you not to engineer an “accident” if he doesn’t get the snip.

FurryGiraffe · 11/01/2026 23:15

I felt very similar when DH talked to the GP about a vasectomy when DS2 was about one. We had agreed two children and then vasectomy. I did not want a third child. But when it came down to it, I was horrified- I just didn’t feel ready to close the door. DH left it for a year, and then raised it again, and I was totally fine with it. No regrets at all- it’s been fantastic. I can only assume hormones were responsible for my initial reaction!

ACynicalDad · 11/01/2026 23:18

Did the vasectomy clamps/ valves ever make it into use? Might be an option

Lollylavender · 11/01/2026 23:23

If your husband doesn’t want more children, and you’ve already got 3, then no way would I want the possibility of a fourth! A family of 6 is very expensive and a lot of work.

Coldstand · 11/01/2026 23:42

DH had a vasectomy after DC3 and I was very much on board with it. I wouldn't have ever wanted an accidental 4th, I felt absolutely done after 3 and now the youngest is almost at school, I'm very glad we made that decision. Financially we could manage with another dc but I can't magic up more time or attention and that's what children really need.

Our family life is busy now and it would be chaotic with any more and I'd find it too stressful. I like being able to give individual time to the dcs and for them to do plenty of activities, which is a juggle now but it would be logistically impossible with any more.

jeaux90 · 12/01/2026 07:15

Try and think about this as a new phase in your life. You can focus on the wonderful family you have but also don’t underestimate the liberation of a vasectomy. No more birth control. It’s been great for our relationship.

cloudtreecarpet · 12/01/2026 07:21

I would feel happy that my DH was prepared to go for a vasectomy.

Plenty of men don't because it leaves the door open to start a new family later on if you split up.
I think it shows your DH's sensible commitment to you and his existing family.

Plus you are so lucky to have had three healthy babies. Imagine if you did have a fourth and you weren't quite so fortunate again, it could change the trajectory of all of your lives.

FeralWoman · 12/01/2026 07:25

YABU. He wanted two children then agreed to a third. He’s done even if you aren’t. As your children grow up and move into the primary school years you’ll likely feel horrified at the thought of going back to overnight feeds, nappies and toddler tantrums.

Mid 30s isn’t young. Your fertility is about to sharply decline anyway making a “happy accident” less likely.

My DH and I were mid 30s when he had his vasectomy.

Contraception-free sex is awesome once a sperm test confirms a zero sperm count. No worrying about condoms, missed pills, fertile phases or anything like that. Just fun and pleasure with no added hormones to mess you around or physical barriers between the two of you.

TheNightingalesStarling · 12/01/2026 07:28

I sort of felt the same way. I was "only" 32, we had two children, (who wee 5&7)we didn't want another... but the closing of the door felt final.

That was 8 years ago and I'm so happy we did it. No worries about "happy accidents" was very liberating. We could just concentrate on what we had and make plans for the future.

Planesmistakenforstars · 12/01/2026 07:50

You aren't U to feel how you feel, but really there isn't a "happy accident" for him if he knows he doesn't want another. Which means there isn't a happy outcome for your relationship or your family life if that happens. I also don't think you should try and sway him either way about a decision that he gets to make about his own body. And I would be happy that he is taking responsibility for his own contraception. I know it's a low bar, but so, so many men don't clear it.