To be struggling so much with DH having a vasectomy?

[AveAtqueVale]

Less AIBU, as I'm pretty sure I am, and more 'how can I stop being silly about this?'

We are very lucky to have 3 beautiful DC. There is a large age gap between number 2 and 3 because DH wasn't sure if he wanted any more. He eventually decided he was happy to have another, but was always clear that would be it. I was/ am on board with this as I do think we're at our limit now, and would struggle for a myriad of practical reasons to manage any more kids. Plus I'm really rubbish at being pregnant, and found it much harder with DS3 than with the older two, being that much older myself.

Anyway, DS3 is now 15 months and DH has finally got round to booking a vasectomy and I am struggling SO much with the idea, which has taken me by surprise a bit. I know it wouldn't be sensible to decide to have another child, but I find the idea that there would be no possibility at all of a happy accident for some reason very hard to live with. I'm also still only mid-30s and most of my uni friends/ similar aged work colleagues are only just starting to have kids so feel it's quite early to be definitively done.

DH has said he won't go ahead if I'm not ok with the idea, but honestly I don't think I'll ever be 'ok' with it beyond where I am now - which is agreeing for practical reasons that 3DC is probably enough, and feeling strongly that it's his body and his choice, so I shouldn't really have a say. I hope once it's done I'll just accept it and be fine, but at the moment it's really upsetting me and I'm struggling to have a sensible conversation with him about it.

So AIBU? (Yes) And therefore any tips on how to get over myself?

Although you dont want anymore I understand the finality aspect. What if something happened to the ones you have? One of my friends had the snip and lost his sex drive...very depressing thought. Neither me or DH wanted the snip, 12 months after baby I was having menopause symptoms and the one i had was a miracle in itself.

I was 8 months pregnant with DC4 when DH had his. Good ol NHS waiting lists! I think it's very confronting for a lot of people when they realize they've had their last child. Having a child is such a special time in your life, it's hard to say goodbye to that.

But on a purely future sex life pov, go for it!

This. I am constantly amazed at the number of people breezily saying “oh a vasectomy can always be reversed”. Even if the tubes are successfully rejoined there’s a chance that scar tissue may form at the join or that sperm quantity/quality may not return to pre-vasectomy levels. And it’s not available on the NHS.

I felt the same when I had a hysterectomy , and I was in my forties and had no intention of ever having another child. By your husband having a vasectomy, it means your child-bearing days are over and the decision the decision to have another has been taken out of your hands.

Can you ask him to delay it for a while?

I will knock that idea in the head - I have four boys😆 but wasn't bothered what I had each time.

OP I completely get it as I have 18, 15, 10 and 8yo so a big gap between 2 and 3. It's the reason we went on and had a fourth child as I didn't want my third born growing up on his own. Nothing to do with whether the next was a boy or girl, but a sibling for him.

DC4 was 6mo when DH had the vasectomy and due to almost losing my DC4 and myself giving birth it wasn't difficult to decide our baby making days were over. We were ready after the EMCS. No more babies. 4 is more than enough!

I think it’s totally normal to feel like this. Our first child took four years to conceive and we had ivf. Our second child came along after the first month of trying. We knew we were done at two. Financially, emotionally and also what my body had been through. DH had a vasectomy when youngest was 8 months old. Even though I was in total agreement (I never wanted to make a decision I didn’t want to make if an ‘accident’ happened) I sobbed my heart out.

it was the right decision for our family. It means I don’t have to pump myself full of more hormones and the procedure was super quick.

I did have a wobble last year when our eldest started school and was really emotional again but I think it’s normal. It’s passed now.

i think yes it’s normal to feel sad and emotional but it’s not a reason not to have it done. You say happy accident but your DH has made it clear he doesn’t want anymore and wouldn’t be ‘happy’ for him.

I had similar feelings when my DH had the snip. We had two planned children & I'd always said I'd be happy if an accident happened but he was certain he didn't want anymore. I respected his decision as he'd really thought about how our life would be with more kids & the practicality of having to move to a bigger house, get a bigger car etc wasn't what we wanted. After he had the op I felt like we'd made the right choice & never resented him or regretted agreeing to it.

You don't mention infertility or miscarriages or anything aside from tough pregnancies, so if you haven't had any of these issues, I would suggest stopping. Only having the experience of planned, wanted, healthy babies is a lot of luck. You might have your happy accident and lose it, or have to TFMR, or realise its father can't see this baby the same as the others, or have a child that suffers. Stopping when all you have known is happiness (assuming this is the case, sorry if not) is a good decision.

That’s a lot of extra expenses (time & money) just to give your 10 year old a younger brother while he already has two older brothers?!

Freeze some sperm just in case? Then you won't feel it's absolutely final. It can also be reversed but not guaranteed to work. What's the alternative birth control?

I think you’re allowed to have the feelings without them being ‘silly’ even if it’s right for him / your family size that he does get it done.

We are considering this at the mo too, giving ourselves another year to make sure we really are done (we have 2) and have loads more things to sway it in our favour - epilepsy meds that mean we need solid or long term contraception / issues with tolerating this MH & bleeding wise.
Im fully expecting to grieve my ‘potential babies’ etc. when the decision really has been made, but hopefully after it’ll be short lived and we’ll get on with enjoying the ones we have.

I understand what you're saying but I doubt having him late is what caused the autism. My son has high functioning ASD and other disabilities (neurological ones) and I was 19 when I conceived him x don't blame yourselves

Multiple studies have linked father's age at conception to autism, she must be basing it on that

I find the idea that there would be no possibility at all of a happy accident for some reason very hard to live with

What you're actually saying is that you want the option to get pregnant on purpose without telling your DH that you've stopped taking the Pill, because you think your wish to keeping having more children is more important than his wish not to have any more.

YABU.

I understand. We have 5 DC so we’re in a crazy minority but even I struggled a little when DH had his. I sometimes fantasise about him reversing it and having a sixth but I have no idea why because we’re so frantically busy all of the time! We both have crazy careers and another child just would not fit. I think it’s normal, it can be hard to accept you’ll never have another child.