To be struggling so much with DH having a vasectomy?

[AveAtqueVale]

Less AIBU, as I'm pretty sure I am, and more 'how can I stop being silly about this?'

We are very lucky to have 3 beautiful DC. There is a large age gap between number 2 and 3 because DH wasn't sure if he wanted any more. He eventually decided he was happy to have another, but was always clear that would be it. I was/ am on board with this as I do think we're at our limit now, and would struggle for a myriad of practical reasons to manage any more kids. Plus I'm really rubbish at being pregnant, and found it much harder with DS3 than with the older two, being that much older myself.

Anyway, DS3 is now 15 months and DH has finally got round to booking a vasectomy and I am struggling SO much with the idea, which has taken me by surprise a bit. I know it wouldn't be sensible to decide to have another child, but I find the idea that there would be no possibility at all of a happy accident for some reason very hard to live with. I'm also still only mid-30s and most of my uni friends/ similar aged work colleagues are only just starting to have kids so feel it's quite early to be definitively done.

DH has said he won't go ahead if I'm not ok with the idea, but honestly I don't think I'll ever be 'ok' with it beyond where I am now - which is agreeing for practical reasons that 3DC is probably enough, and feeling strongly that it's his body and his choice, so I shouldn't really have a say. I hope once it's done I'll just accept it and be fine, but at the moment it's really upsetting me and I'm struggling to have a sensible conversation with him about it.

So AIBU? (Yes) And therefore any tips on how to get over myself?

@Homegrownberrieswhat circles?? The average FIRST time mother is now 32 in the UK. Never heard the word ‘geriatric’ pregnancy with either of mine (at 41 and 43, and that was 20 years ago) - it is considered stigmatising. The Advanced Maternal Age may be used, but even that not so much, and now it’s more a personalised risk assessment. Most of my friends had children in their 40s (oldest two being 45 and 46), all but one conceived naturally and the only one who felt labelled was the 46 year old.
Anyway, other than that side issue, OP, while you seem on the fence about having more children (‘happy accident’), your DH definitely isn’t. Enjoy the children you have.

My DH had a vasectomy at 33. It’s great. We were umming and ahhing about a 4th child, and I wasn’t totally opposed to the idea of a happy accident like you. But honestly, the thought of having to get a seven seater car, deal with a newborn again etc etc just put us off. And now we get to have as much unprotected sex as we like! I don’t think he should have the vasectomy until you’re both totally sure. I would have been a bit sad if he’d have done it whilst I was still thinking about it. Just put it off for 6 months or so

I get the apprehension but it's was the biggest sense of freedom for me. Any more were off the table therefore I didn't even have to think about it or consider it any more. It was a relief tbh

It’s not just about what she wants though is it.

After 3 DC my DH had a vasectomy and the relief of having to not worry about birth control ever again was really great. You have 3 very much wanted DC. If you had an accidental pregnancy it would be awful for DC if she didn't want them, might not want to spend as much time with baby etc. Also the more DC you have the more thinly resources and time gets split between DC. Your DH has been fair to you agreeing a third even though he would have been happy to stop at 2. It's normal to grieve you won't have another DC but I'd agree to DH having vasectomy as it's his body and what he wants.

He's exercising a kindness towards you in 'not going ahead with it if you're uncomfortable with it'. Please extend the same kindness to him and let him do what he wants - probably what he actually wanted to do after your 2nd DC (I'm sorry, but I imagine a 3rd DC took some wrangling from you).

A 'happy accident' is anything but when you don't want another child. In fact it would likely be pretty traumatising for him. Even speaking about 'happy accidents' makes me wonder if you take your contraception seriously - you have a DH who does not want more. Take that very seriously.

We have three DC and DH has just got one. I was sad to be honest and still am because we’re in our late 20s and it seems weird.

Ultimately I rationalise as it’s him practicing bodily autonomy which I fully support. Logically I have no issue with it but I am a little sad we won’t have anymore babies. He is open to fostering when our kids have left though and the thought of that helps me feel better. Also, it’s not like we will never see a baby ever again or never get to look after young children!! We have DN&N and one day will probably get to look after our grandkids.

I do think the fact my last pregnancy was wayyy worse than the others also kind helped close the door on that chapter of my life. If I’d breezed that like I did the other two I think it would be much harder.

DH is getting a vasectomy as we are expecting our 4th child. It is difficult, even though I feel like we’re completely done with having children especially as ours are close in age. Even though it’s the right thing it still feels like we’re closing a chapter of our life and that comes with difficult emotions, but it sounds like it would be the best thing for your family. Also the thought of not having to think about contraception ever again is a massive plus for me!

It's hormones - especially if you are still breastfeeding. My first was my husband's fourth, I was mid 40s and we only had money for the existing children. I knew another wasn't an option but it still took nearly 2 years for me to be OK with it.

Same. My DH had his vasectomy a year after DS2 was born. Best thing ever. No more bloody contraceptives! He said my body had done 99% of the work up to that point and it was his turn to do something for the family.

I was delighted dh wanted a vasectomy after dc2. I never want to be pregnant again but even if I hadn't have been delighted , it wouldn't have been my decision. I think you need to put your feelings aside and support your husband in his choice.

I feel your pain!

It is a tough one and you both are genuinely concerned with the other one. Maybe to have it booked is too early but then again it might be better to be done with if you both agreed?

I don’t think no one can actually give advice as it concerns both of you. Can hold your online hand though 👏🏼

OP I feel your feelings are very very valid. It’s the finality of it. I understand.

We wanted 2-3 kids. But after DC2 husband said we are done.
DC3 was unplanned (at that timing). I wanted dh to get a vasectomy so I was never in that situation again (him saying have an abortion and me saying I can’t). We got told have the vasectomy when baby is 6 months - not before they are born in case something goes wrong (apparently many couples want to try again if baby says stillborn or neonatal death).

We are now past 6 months mark. We agree are complete at 3 kids but neither of us want the vasectomy, it’s feel too final. I just can’t close the door. Even though we are done

You are not being unreasonable, dear OP. But I am very jealous that you have a man who is willing to book a vasectomy and take some responsibility for his desire not to have any more children.
Well done you for finding a man who doesn't treat his testicles like a pair of holy relics! 😂😂

You know that you’re being unreasonable but equally you can’t help how you feel so it’s just a case of having to sit with those feelings!

Im sure it will pass eventually.

I understand how you feel as I felt that way myself but contrary to what lots of people are saying, vasectomies are reversible so maybe tell yourself it isn't an absolute final end to childbearing? In time, I think, you'll get used to the idea. I did and am very grateful I didn't have a 4th.

I think it's ok to be sad at the idea of leaving the baby years behind. As hard as they are, they also have some wonderful parts and - importantly - you know how wonderful they can be. It's sometimes harder to be excited for the next phase because it's more hypothetical and full of things you don't feel as confident about.

But here's the thing... you've already had 3 children, not just 3 babies. Your older three will still need active, enthusiastic parents who are there for them in their current stage of life for years and years to come, and they deserve a family life that grows with them. The baby years end and get replaced with new stages that are also wonderful and rewarding, just in different ways.

It's perfectly normal and healthy to grieve moving on from this period of life that is ending, just don't become one of those parents who cling to the idea of having more babies to avoid embracing the next stage of parenthood.

Isn't a vasectomy reversible?

There are vasectomy reversal procedures yes but a significant portion of reversals won't be successful. Vasectomy shouldn't be done under the assumption that you can reverse it later.

If it’s any consolation, I felt exactly the same way. It wasn’t that I wanted another, or even a happy accident, but it was the concept that it could never happen again.

After my DH had his, it took at least 6 months for him to have a clear sample, and during that time, I kind of got used to the idea. I fully empathise though. I found it so triggering at first, but then common sense kicked in.

One of the best things that helped me was thinking about how long I’d have to nurture someone who wasn’t independent if I had another baby then. I thought about being pregnant for a year and then added 10 years onto that as a marker of how long I’d need to be present...again.

I now have friends in their 40s with toddlers while my kids are almost adults. I feel exhausted just thinking about starting at that age. Don’t get me wrong, I still have broody moments, but I also have my unhindered life back to go out with friends and go to the gym. Hope you feel better soon. It is nice not to have to be responsible for contraception all the time.

I agree with @jeaux90, you’ve got three lovely children and now you’ll never need to think about contraception again, it’s very freeing.

Both DH and I were happy with our family size when he had it done (I was late 30’s). I did have some broody moments afterwards
( I think it was peri menopause kicking in), but it was certainly the right choice financially for our family, especially with the current COL.

You feel sad because certain possibilities have been shut down, even if they didn't make sense.

Agree, @NotMeAtAll - it's the finality.
@AveAtqueVale I'm sure you'll be fine. It's just such a hard decision.

Of course he must go ahead, it would be appalling if you coerced him into not doing this. FFS.

He does not want more children.

End.

Doesn't sound like it would be a 'happy; accident as your husband doesn't want anymore children.

Your head is telling you that 3 is enough, but heart potentially likes the idea of another, I think you both need to have a conversation and agree if it would ever be an option.

For my husband and I it was the best choice ever, as I was able to come off the pill.