To be struggling so much with DH having a vasectomy?

[AveAtqueVale]

Less AIBU, as I'm pretty sure I am, and more 'how can I stop being silly about this?'

We are very lucky to have 3 beautiful DC. There is a large age gap between number 2 and 3 because DH wasn't sure if he wanted any more. He eventually decided he was happy to have another, but was always clear that would be it. I was/ am on board with this as I do think we're at our limit now, and would struggle for a myriad of practical reasons to manage any more kids. Plus I'm really rubbish at being pregnant, and found it much harder with DS3 than with the older two, being that much older myself.

Anyway, DS3 is now 15 months and DH has finally got round to booking a vasectomy and I am struggling SO much with the idea, which has taken me by surprise a bit. I know it wouldn't be sensible to decide to have another child, but I find the idea that there would be no possibility at all of a happy accident for some reason very hard to live with. I'm also still only mid-30s and most of my uni friends/ similar aged work colleagues are only just starting to have kids so feel it's quite early to be definitively done.

DH has said he won't go ahead if I'm not ok with the idea, but honestly I don't think I'll ever be 'ok' with it beyond where I am now - which is agreeing for practical reasons that 3DC is probably enough, and feeling strongly that it's his body and his choice, so I shouldn't really have a say. I hope once it's done I'll just accept it and be fine, but at the moment it's really upsetting me and I'm struggling to have a sensible conversation with him about it.

So AIBU? (Yes) And therefore any tips on how to get over myself?

YABU you’re only feeling this way because it feels final and you’re panicking.

Its the same thing when women start approaching 40.

Neither of you want a 4th child.
If you won the lottery and decided a 4th is the only thing that would make life better, then he can a reversal.
It’s not as permanent as your brain is telling you it is.

DH had a vascectomy when we knew we were done after having DS2 - one of the best decisions we ever made. All those years where I didn't have to be on any hormonal contraception were a proper gift. However you do need to feel that it's the right timing and you won't regret it. Many men won't even entertain the idea of a vascectomy so be glad your DH is prepared to.

My H had a vasectomy and it was the best thing ever. I couldn't have managed another pregnancy and we could afford another baby. We wouldn't have been happy if we had an accident. It would have left us making very difficult decisions that no one want to have to make.

You got your third child which your husband had to be pushed into. Be thankful and respect his bodily autonomy and the fact that he doesn’t want a fourth child.

Your dh had to be persuaded to have a third. Do you honestly believe there’d be a ‘happy’ accident if you got pregnant with a fourth? I think it could put a massive strain on your relationship!

Prioritise your existing 3 children! They deserve it.

I can completely relate to this. I know when my DH decides to book one I will be extremely sad too because it will be definitively drawing a line under this stage of our lives. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel sad.

Look at it this way -

Much easier sex where you don't have to mess about with condoms and you don't have to have the side effects of the contraceptive pill.

I think your DH is spot on.

You should be happy he wants one because it means he's 100% happy with the family he has now! There are loads of men who sneakily carry the thought of potentially leaving their wife in their 40s or 50s for a younger woman. In those cases, many want their fertility intact as their new partner may obviously want children too.

Well no, which I do understand! Though I'm sure he'd love the baby to bits and be just as good a Dad to them as he is to the others, it definitely isn't want he wants and I think he'd resent the inevitable difficulties that come with all children. I don't want that for him.

I mean I'd say the same as I am currently saying, which is that everyone has the right to do what they want with their own body!

Yes I think it's that - it's the 'but what if everything looks different for both of us in five years time' feeling. We are both hesitant for me to get the coil as an alternative as I had a coil when DS1 was conceived, so although it's irrational as the chance of the same thing happening twice is miniscule, I'm not sure either of us would trust it!

I would ask him to put off having it for a while, you clearly aren’t 100% sure it’s what you want at the moment.

What about freezing sperm before he has the vasectomy? Further children wouldn't be completely off the cards but could be there as a conscious decision.

And often reversal is not as straightforward as your brain is telling you.

No I know - and honestly I REALLY felt the difference having DS1 at 23 vs DS3 at 33. I was really surprised as I don't otherwise feel 'old', and am probably actually a lot fitter than I was then. But I pretty much bounced through pregnancy with DS1 despite horrendous sickness until nearly the third trimester, was still commuting into London a few days before I delivered, and felt recovered in a week or two from a really awful traumatic delivery. DS2 was even easier as I kind of knew what to expect, and the delivery was much better. But this time I felt like I'd been hit by a truck for pretty much the entire pregnancy, and struggled so much more with tiredness in the newborn phase even though DS3 is a much better sleeper. Was amazed at the difference ten years made to my ability to cope physically with the demands of pregnancy/ early motherhood. So all that definitely factors into knowing logically another one would not be ideal!

I don’t think this is a good idea OP. Those frozen sperm would always be on your mind and would make it much harder for you to let go of having another child.

Aww OP, I think the majority of us mums totally find it hard to deal with what I call ‘Last Chance Saloon-itis’. Ending our days of growing our family is a painful threshold to cross over. But what softens the blow is the sharpened focus on watching the family we do have grow. The edges will soften and one day, you’ll be absolutely fine and at peace with it all. We got a labrador after number 3 (when number three was 15 months!). That kept me busy and personally, it was incredibly healing (I am a dog person so, it’s not for everyone). You’ll be ok! This too shall pass. ❤️

This is normally a thread where women are complaining that their bloke WON'T have one, cos he thinks it will emasculate him.
Very odd to see it from a different perspective 🤔😀
I had one years ago, because I /we didn't want any more kids. I was absolutely sure about it, and had no problem with getting it done.
It was entirely liberating, and one of the best decisions I'd ever made 👍😀

This is what I was going to say , it takes all the what if's out of the equation

I voted that YABU but I actually don't think you are being totally unreasonable.

I think you instinctively don't want your DH to have a vasectomy due to the perceived finality of the decision. It's like when women go through the menopause. Even if you rationally don't want another baby, it can be difficult to totally close the door on that chapter of your life and accept it can't happen. It evokes feelings of grief and sadness mourning what could have been and what has been and gone.

Ultimately though I think you have to fight these feelings. It can lead women down paths where 'happy accidents' are not so accidental and ultimately the breakdown of trust and relationships. Three children is more than enough. He has been clear that is his limit. You need to respect and support this and come to terms with the idea that there will probably always be some sadness that this era of your life has passed. The good news though is that there is an awful lot to look forward to as a couple and family.

I can remember feeling the same way when DH had his vasectomy. I was so upset even though I'd been warned by the doctor another pregnancy could kill me (so it was actually down to me he had the vasectomy.) Also DS was a (happy) accident after having our older two 11 and 13 years earlier
DS has severe autism and is likely to need care for the rest of his life. While I wouldn't change him for the world because he is the happiest most loving child it has put a strain on the family in lots of different ways. Although I can't prove it I'm sure having DS so late in life is what led to his autism.
My point is you have three healthy children and the more you have the more likely it is you will have a child with some sort of health problems.
The initial waiting for the vasectomy was worse too. Once it was done I actually felt better and easier to accept.

This is hard as i am 39 and have recently had a 'happy accident'
This will be my 4th but 3rd with DH.
I came off the coil a year ago because i really struggle with migraines and PMDD on pretty much all contraception and quite frankly had enough of putting my body through all that shit. I thought about sterilisation but my gynae talked me out of it as it is too 'final' and i might regret it plus DH wasn't keen on a vasectomy for the same reasons.
For us though we were happy with our family as it was but followed the catholic method. To be honest i naively thought because of our ages it was highly unlikely anything would happen as he is quite a bit older although very healthy.
Anyway it did happen but we were both kind of okay with it after the shock!
Thing is, i have mostly problem free pregnancies so the thought was always in the back of my mind that if we did have an accident it wouldn't be a problem.
What stands out with your circumstances is the fact you say he doesn't want anymore and i think you have to both be on the same page, plus if you don't do great during pregnancy.
I think you need to have a serious chat if you are feeling like this. it is harder to reverse.

I think it might be hormones as well.

If your husband doesn’t want any more then you shouldn’t have any more. But there’s a big but — as he’s said he won’t do it if you’re not ok with it, and you’re really struggling, then he should hold off.

He’s being very understanding and imagine the heartache in future if you told him later down the track you wished he hadn’t had one and he said but I told you at the time I would hold off if you wanted me to, why didn’t you just tell me.

Sorry but voted you are being unreasonable . You have 3 kids already and if your dh wants to have the procedure then that is his choice .
You don't mentioned their ages other than your youngest , but imagine having a baby or toddler when your older ones want taking to after school clubs or sporting events , hobbies etc .

My husband had a vasectomy at 34. I wanted a third which my husband was onboard with but when we actually discussed the practicalities decided against it. We’d two healthy children which we’re grateful for. My sons are only 1 year apart so in essence we’d be starting all of over again with a gap of 4 years (providing I fell pregnant quite quickly). My husband was the one who suggested getting a vasectomy once we were 100% sure we weren’t having any more.