I’m struggling to work out whether my nearly five year old’s strong focus on his own enjoyment and avoidance of anything boring or effortful is normal for his age, or something we should be actively addressing.
My son is nearly five. He’s bright, extremely active, curious, chatty and cheeky. He can also be quite hard work. If anyone has read the Just William books, that’s basically him / who he will probably be in a couple of years. He’s hugely motivated by things that interest him and will put loads of energy and focus into them. He can also do long stretches of independent pretend play, sometimes up to an hour. He loves nature, science and learning about things that genuinely motivate him. Loves stories and making up games.
But…. ANYTHING he sees as boring, difficult or like work or that is not focused on him is a real struggle.
Examples of what I mean:
- He’ll be full of energy at the park but as soon as it’s time to walk home (5mins) is mysteriously exhausted and starts wheedling for a piggyback.
- He makes little effort to dress himself and if we insist will usually pay no attention and end up with everything on wrong and insist we help him, if we do help him he will go floppy so we end up physically moving his limbs into sleeves which allows him to carry on chatting or playing. He definitely can dress himself as he does it at school for PE etc, he would just rather not.
- He finds errands, and things like popping to the shops boring and will whine or get cross when we say what the plan is, then kick off or make trouble
- He moans about phonics or maths practice (5 minutes) although he is capable when he concentrates, unless it’s turned into a game.
- Won’t tidy toys unless we make a “threat” e.g. cannot go to the park until toys are tidy, or turn it into a game - beat the clock.
- If we do something that isn’t about him, like talking to each other or reading for a few minutes, or focusing on his younger sister he will sometimes interrupt or kick off to get attention.
For context, he has a little sister who he is sometimes lovely too, limited screen time - a low intensity programme for about half an hour a day and doesn’t even know what YouTube is or how to work a phone screen, we read a lot, he has a Yoto, and we do crafts and cooking and playing together, garden play, time alone with his Lego and animals and trips to the park and library.
What I am trying to work out is whether this level of self centredness and resistance to effort / anything that is not fun or about his own interests is typical at this age, or whether we should be doing more to build his tolerance for things that are not fun or about him?
I don’t expect a four year old to be selfless or driven, but real life - including lots of childhood involves boredom, effort, waiting and letting other people have attention, and I don’t want to raise someone who can only cope if everything is entertaining or about him and who shirks work / lets future partners carry the load.
Is this a normal developmental phase, a spirited child, or something we should gently push back on more? Any tips from those with older children on how this played out?