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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
Andepeda · 11/01/2026 13:03

There has to be missing information in OP's posts. If you know how to post on MN, then you know what a cocklodger is and you make sure you don't aquire one by accident.

None of this makes sense.

pimplebum · 11/01/2026 13:03

Fitzcarraldo353 · 11/01/2026 12:03

The voucher for an overnight stay that you need to add £350 to to actually use is completely taking the piss. To then suggest you both use it for HIS birthday is next level Cheeky fuckery and I'd honestly tell him so.

Edited

This ^

also are you buying his family gifts ??
if so , stop that nonsense , he buys his own mum nieces gift that’s not your job!

Frugalgal · 11/01/2026 13:07

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

Stop being a total mug buying presents for his relatives.

Buy him a £50 voucher for the same place and make sure he pays half the balance if you go there.

In future give him a list of things you want and tell him to buy only from that. Otherwise had will keep buying presents for you that are really for him..

Sunshine1500 · 11/01/2026 13:08

By him a £50 voucher for his birthday and say that’s toward the hotel break

TheatreTheatre · 11/01/2026 13:08

OP: the shitness of his Xmas present thinking is directly connected to his willingness to live at your expense and work (shopping for his family) the whole year round.

How dare he expect you to pay £400 for his weekend away...as part of your present?

He is mean, dishonest and exploitative.

pimplebum · 11/01/2026 13:08

everyone is assuming you pay all the bills and he has moved into your home that you pay for ?? Surely not ?

Whatoflife · 11/01/2026 13:09

Why on earth are you buying all his family’s presents for him, it just blows my mind! What a thoughtless, lazy man.

Wishimaywishimight · 11/01/2026 13:09

Wow, he really has a sweet deal - he lives in your house for free, you do all the gift shopping including for HIS family. You shower him with expensive gifts while he buys you shit thoughtless cheap gifts and you're questioning if it's okay to be upset?

VickyEadieofThigh · 11/01/2026 13:09

pimplebum · 11/01/2026 13:08

everyone is assuming you pay all the bills and he has moved into your home that you pay for ?? Surely not ?

Have you read all of the OP's posts? This is exactly the case.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 11/01/2026 13:10

@tryingtobegrateful

Oh dear.
Can you get a refund on the voucher? If not try & sell it on. No way should you be paying even more for another gift for him. Under no circumstances go with him to use it for his birthday if he is not going to pay any more. It'll be well you're paying for dinner because it's my birthday. I'm not paying for petrol/drinks/entrance fees because it's my birthday. Etc, etc, etc.

Send the mug back & get a refund/swap for one you like.

Did you protect your house before marrying this prince? May be worth getting some legal advice now if not.

If you intend staying with him it's time to change. Do not buy presents on his behalf for his family.
For his birthday get him one of those 2nd hand sacks of lego people sell on Ebay for £10. - well you like lego & it's cheaper than a new set.

He needs to start paying his way. Half the council tax. Even a quarter of food & other bills (other than mortgage & house maintenance) would not be excessive to ask for. If he quibbles over this then I would suggest he goes & finds a house share or his own place & pay the lot himself.

Standing up for yourself is not selfish. Expecting someone else to house, feed & subsidise you is.

tinyspiny · 11/01/2026 13:10

Are you seriously telling us that he didn’t buy any Christmas gifts for your children , he just presumably thinks that what you bought was from both of you but without him handing over any cash . Seriously @tryingtobegrateful you are being taken for a ride and Christmas presents are the least of your problems . Are you actually married or just living together ? WRT the Christmas presents put the LEGO on eBay , second hand it sells well . Don’t take him away for his birthday to that hotel , just let the voucher lapse and if he asks why just tell him that you are not prepared to spend another £350 to use the £50 but he is welcome to do so if he wants. In future buy him mediocre presents and tell him the same as he’s told you ‘that he doesn’t think it’s worth it’ or better still kick him into touch completely .

TheMorgenmuffel · 11/01/2026 13:11

pimplebum · 11/01/2026 13:08

everyone is assuming you pay all the bills and he has moved into your home that you pay for ?? Surely not ?

Nobody's assuming it.

We read it in her posts.

G5000 · 11/01/2026 13:11

he pays no regular contribution to the running of the household or towards food

he what now? Lives for free. Does he buy his own food? Doesn't use any water and heating? And you're OK with using the money that could benefit your own children to fully support a grown adult (and his family, as it seems?)

askmenow · 11/01/2026 13:11

Is he your husband or partner? Please say you’re not married?

Genuinely what does he bring to your and your children’s lives? Because at the moment you appear to have so little self worth, you’re keeping him like a child, paying him to stay.

There must be more to this story that you give him such leeway to take the piss.
Have you no respect for yourself?

Wishimaywishimight · 11/01/2026 13:11

pimplebum · 11/01/2026 13:08

everyone is assuming you pay all the bills and he has moved into your home that you pay for ?? Surely not ?

No one is "assuming" anything. The OP states that she pays all household bills and he makes no regular contributions to bills or food.

Getupat8amnow · 11/01/2026 13:13

I am astonished at your living arrangements OP. Your kids need and deserve the money you spend giving that CF a free ride and he COLLECTS KNIVES! Wake up and get rid of this man.

Randalsratfriends · 11/01/2026 13:13

FFS OP, it actually made me angry to hear you say you feel bad for not being grateful. Why are you being so cravenly pathetic and thinking you are not worth anything?.

A fucking £50 voucher for a £400 room that he wants you to pay for his birthday. The cheapest mug he could find. Some printed paper?

When he has been hinting at, and got, hundreds of pounds worth of lego plus loads of other costly things.

And he spends hundreds on himself.

You should be fucking furious. Why are you with this selfish, grabby tight man?

And he thinks he has done well?! Of course he has. He has you right where he wants you, doesn't he?

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:14

Thanks for the posters who have replied without querying my self esteem ect. No I do not have great self esteem, my previous marriage was with a violent and unpredictable cocaine user who got us into huge amounts of debt, hence why I am happy to have entirely seperate finances now.

OP posts:
Veryberrycherries · 11/01/2026 13:15

Sounds like he would prefer a fake Lego set next year, to save money. Very sensible.

The beige mug is insulting. The £50 voucher... absolutely do not use unless he's paying for the rest of the stay. Or I'd politely tell him it's not enough to cover the stay and you don't have the spare cash so he's welcome to book if he wants to treat you but say you can't really afford it and don't want to spend that much money there. You spending more money there cancels out his gift multiple times over. If he complains it's wasted - he should have thought of that.

You sound like a nice, thoughtful person. Be careful you aren't being take advantage of.

EleanorReally · 11/01/2026 13:16

I Cant understand why you spent so much?
seems a pretty unequal relationship

Hecatoncheires · 11/01/2026 13:16

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:38

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread, I only explained so that posters questioning his income can see that he doesn't have high living expenses. I am ok with the financial arrangement we have.

Then you are a fool and you are teaching your children to have exceptionally low expectations from a partner. I appreciate this sounds rude, OP, but your DP should want to contribute to the household. The money that saves you could be put aside for your children's futures.

Wishimaywishimight · 11/01/2026 13:17

"Entirely separate finances" is all well and except where one person pays all the bills and the other is a freeloader.

Getupat8amnow · 11/01/2026 13:17

Please get rid of this man, for the sake of your children.

If you have a daughter and when she is grown up she tells you exactly what you have told us what would you say to her? Surely you would tell her she is being used and she needs to get rid of him ASAP.

Hecatoncheires · 11/01/2026 13:18

Furthermore, your DP's crap presents are demonstrating how little he values you. And it's hardly surprising, given the inequality you are so clearly prepared to accept from him,

BadgernTheGarden · 11/01/2026 13:18

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:16

I bought him the lego ect as it was stuff he had heavily hinted at wanting, he loves it and has already built it. And I thought that as it's Christmas it's nice to get a proper treat.

I think he knows I'm a bit underwhelmed by the mug, because I told him I was suprised that it came from that specific seller as it looks nothing like any of her other stuff, that's when he told me that he chose the cheapest one as he didnt think a mug was worth paying that amount of money for. £50 for a mug is a huge amount of money, I agree, but I would have been happy with just the mug! Or no mug at all. It's the blatant choosing something cheaper because he feels its not worth it.
This is actually how I feel about lego, I think a grown man does not need £££ lego sets, but I love him and wanted him to have something he really likes, which is why I paid for it! Because a gift should be about the receiver, not the giver!

Unfortunately the voucher cannot be used for food or any other part of the stay.

Give him the voucher back as his birthday present. Next time tell him exactly what you want, the mug we saw on that stall with the kittens on it, only that one! A voucher for M&S or New Look, he's not up to thoughtful gifts so if you don't want to be disappointed tell him what to get.