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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
GreyBeeplus3 · 12/01/2026 16:56

He's not taking you seriously is he?
Explain about the vouchers true cost
He must've had some idea...........
Even if he bought within a budget he could've tried harder; I assume you've separate accounts?
And why on earth did YOU have to buy for the members of HIS family??
Willing to bet they all thought that he'd gone above and beyond himself!
I know the price of Lego, my adult youngest is it's greatest fan, so I'd be tempted to take it back to the store myself if unopened and get me a refund
And if opened you'll still get a buyer believe you me on the right website
And I'm not sure about him; hes starting to sound like a resentful urine-taking trying to make you look small freeloader isn't he?

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 12/01/2026 16:58

Definitely mention this to him. If he tried flipping it back on you being ungrateful be very honest with him and say why and explain why. It’s the lack of thought, the selfishness of wanting to use it for HIS birthday AND telling you that the coffee mug was the cheapest she had…I agree with you. I may not agree with the price of things my partner likes but buy him what he would like because I love him and he enjoys it.

As for your living arrangement you can still have seperate finances but be needs to contribute to rent/mortgage because he sounds like a freeloader to be honest.

Theres a lot more to think of rather than just thoughtless gifts he got you to be honest.

Mamagill67 · 12/01/2026 17:01

YANBU - weaponised incompetence

CautiousLurker2 · 12/01/2026 17:06

Calliopespa · 12/01/2026 16:32

I second this plan op!

The only thing I am going to say in his defence is that I am quite a spendy person who justifies cost on the basis that one really good quality item is better than two or three cheapish things, but, seriously, short of a Haviland Limoges teacup, I am wondering what mug costs £50?? Is it Astier de Villatte? (If so, I am on your side: it's lovely!)

Me three!!

Grammarnut · 12/01/2026 17:06

OchonAgusOchonOh · 12/01/2026 14:24

Given Lego have a range of 18+ lego, quite a few adults play with lego.

You'd think they'd have better things to do. Unless they are all architects?

LardoBurrows · 12/01/2026 17:15

Op, I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you that you are worth so much more than this, you and your children. He is depleting your financial resources that should be for you and your childrens's security. You are not a high earner and keeping him and then spending hundreds of pounds on presents for him and his relatives is crazy, you know that, right?

Just because he is not a violent coke head doesn't automatically make him a good partner and he is abusing you and your kids financially. A decent man wouldn't be happy to live off a women and her kids, a decent man would want to pay his way. What you have under your roof is a parasitic cockroach. You describe him as DH, but I am hoping you are not actually married, or if you are, that your home and finances are protected somehow from him claiming half of everything you own. Please, please do the Freedom Programme, reach out to Women's Aid for advice, legal and financial and get him out of your home. And don't move any other man into your home. Honestly, it would be much cheaper and healthier just to have a friend with benefits/fuck buddy than this cocklodger.

Please don't settle for this terrible relationship, you deserve so much more than this, please believe me and every other poster telling you this.

I'm really, really hoping that you find your courage and get him to leave.
Courage mon brave, Good luck Op.

LittleBitofBread · 12/01/2026 17:28

I don't understand why you bought for his parents, nieces and nephews Confused
But anyway, he's a cunt.
I don't think some of the things my DP buys himself are worth the money, but if he told me or hinted that he'd like one for a present from me I'd get one. Because HE likes them and I love him and it's a present for HIM.

TheHillIsMine · 12/01/2026 17:31

Now you know you're being used and taken for a mug, what are you doing to do about it?

user1492757084 · 12/01/2026 17:32

Be perfectly clear that NO your Christmas present will not be spent for his birthday.

Give him good warning about when you are going to use it (a few months) and add - "So you have time to save the extra 350 for the gift."
Marking the date on the calendar (both his and yours) and expecting him to paying for the rest is a healthy way to discuss how lovely the thought was and how he needs to purchase the whole of a gift.

FateAmenableToChange · 12/01/2026 17:33

Id get the instant ick from a man who wanted lego for Christmas. And thats not considering all the other repulsive aspects to him. Give yourself the gift of getting rid of him.

102938fhsb · 12/01/2026 17:33

As someone who has had relationship counselling and subsequently ended the relationship due to resentment - please just talk to him about it now.

Explain why the gifts weren’t ideal so he can see it from your perspective and see if you can come to a joint solution on the voucher so it’s not waisted.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 12/01/2026 17:33

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

WHYYYYYYYYYYY?????????

Tadpolesinponds · 12/01/2026 17:33

The hotel voucher is to force you to pay for an expensive stay in a hotel he wants to go to. The glass table is his way of paying for his crappy hobby and to force you to accept the crappy finished table gracefully. How he's got you to pay for and buy and wrap etc presents to all his family is a mystery - do you and he see it as your role just because you're the woman in the relationship? That must have cemented his opinion that you are a complete idiot who will go to any lengths to keep him in your home (what for? sex and company, presumably). I'd say that he despises you. Please see a solicitor for advice on the best way to get rid of him.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 12/01/2026 17:36

He probably won the voucher.

seriously, from your other posts in the thread he saw you coming, didn’t he?!

BernardButlersBra · 12/01/2026 17:37

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:37

I have posted about him before under a different username, things are not great in other areas either.
Overall, a not great relationship. He defends this as he was single for over 10 years before we got together and tells me 'you knew I'd be a rubbish partner'. I suppose I do have myself to blame for not acknowledging that.
It's actually become very clear to me this week that theres only so many times I can ask him to do better, in all different parts of our relationship. And if he was going to do better, he would have done it by now. I did try and leave him a little while ago but fell for a sob story.

You knew he would be a rubbish partner?! Great, so that’s ok then 🤷‍♀️. He sounds like a right nightmare

elh1605 · 12/01/2026 17:40

Chamomileteaplease · 11/01/2026 12:08

Time for some straight talking between you! I don't blame you for feeling underwhelmed.

But: why did you spend hundreds of pounds on him?? Surely that sets up an inequality before you even start.

Secondly why in god's name are you buying for his parents, nieces and nephews?

Bit late, but time to be even more clear that you don't want a glass topped coffee table with random bits underneath 😂I must say it sounds awful!

Apart from the ring, the rest is cheapskate, lack of thought and care x 100.

What is he like the rest of the time because he sure isn't scoring high on the gift front?!

I buy for my dh family as they are now my family as we're married and vice versa. I'll often see something for 'his' nephews and get it and he's even bought sanitary wear for 'my niece' over Covid. Maybe we're just in the minority that view each other's family as 'our family' since we're married.

Calliopespa · 12/01/2026 17:40

Grammarnut · 12/01/2026 17:06

You'd think they'd have better things to do. Unless they are all architects?

Lots of them do spend their time doing other things, you are right.

Downing pints at the pub, leg-splaying while watching sport on the sofa, gaming, online shopping, watching tik tok reels, porn... Plenty of things adults do with their time. Not all more easily justified than Lego.

Personally I don't have time, but I still find your comment needlessly judgy. And if I did have time to sit watching the footie I'd probably rather do a lego...

alotgoingonrightnow · 12/01/2026 17:41

There always turns out to be something more to it with threads like this. He is shocking OP, and I would be reconsidering the relationship based on everything you have said here.

Btw why not get him a £50 voucher for the hotel for his birthday? See what he thinks of it. You can make it a treat in a couple of years time. What a perfect gift ..

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 12/01/2026 17:41

I was going to say buy him a £50 voucher for his birthday with the voucher.

Now I've read your updates, I would see a solicitor and give him a card with a simple "I don't have any money to buy you a present as I spent so much on you and your family at Christmas". So what if he is disappointed, he's a grown man and a spoiled one at that.

Seriously, find a way to evict him from your life. Start by telling him that he needs to pay half the bills and rent. Sod the separate finances, he is costing you money.

nomas · 12/01/2026 17:47

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

Whilst you get your ducks in a row, do not under any circumstances be guilted into booking this weekend break. Give him the voucher and tell him to book and do not pay a penny.

LittleBitofBread · 12/01/2026 17:48

elh1605 · 12/01/2026 17:40

I buy for my dh family as they are now my family as we're married and vice versa. I'll often see something for 'his' nephews and get it and he's even bought sanitary wear for 'my niece' over Covid. Maybe we're just in the minority that view each other's family as 'our family' since we're married.

There's no need for the pass-agg 'Maybe we're just in the minority…'
The crucial difference is that in the OP's relationship he doesn't do any buying/make any effort.

MJEBinAthens · 12/01/2026 17:52

I’m on the same page as you here. We don’t buy each other Christmas presents either! We have enough outlay as it is with four adult kids and their various partners, plus family!

sandyrose · 12/01/2026 17:58

He lives with you for free? What’s in it for you? Sounds like not a lot?

Great if he wants to go away for his birthday, you can contribute the £50 voucher and he pays the rest. He can’t seriously expect a single mum to fork out £350 on him straight after the very generous Christmas gifts he received without putting any thought into your gifts despite having rent to pay, and therefore must have a huge amount of disposable income.

ElevenBells · 12/01/2026 17:59

might be missing the point here but; he collects knives??? 😬

YANBU btw. I’d be using the voucher for a nice lunch in the hotel restaurant. Without him.

MyJobNow · 12/01/2026 18:00

Dear God!
Step back and have a good look at the situation!
He has got you well organised. You are more of a mummy to him than a partner. Sell the Lego and get shot of him too.

(ps: I'm male)

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