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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
Netcurtainnelly · 12/01/2026 15:02

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

More proof that adults dont need to buy other adults a present.

Just buy what you need yourself. No hassle then.

HopSplidge988 · 12/01/2026 15:04

Take him for lunch OP 😀
Birthday done for him!
And buy him a map of the area, he can organise you both a walk!

Lilacblu · 12/01/2026 15:06

Squeeky112 · 11/01/2026 12:06

That is well cheeky. But me and my DH don't buy each other presents AT ALL for christmas, birthday, anniversary etc - so much less stress, we both support it,, and buy things we need/want when we need them. None of these issues arise.

It's a bit more than cheeky... Useless voucher but hey let's put it towards My birthday! ugly mug? Why bother? totally thought less.. Put some serious thought into this sounds like you've put in loads...i seriously think he's actually spoilt but you've gone above and beyond to do so much for him.. I would have a bit of concern for you thinking about you even asking if it's you being ungrateful?? It's not you... It's him..!! Can't you speak to him about this?💞🙏

HopSplidge988 · 12/01/2026 15:09

Ah...just read your update, that it's a lodge.

Picnic it is and a map for his 🎈 🎂 😀

outerspacepotato · 12/01/2026 15:10

He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.

He doesn't think you're worth spending his money on.

That says it all.

Don't take him on that log cabin holiday for his birthday. You just spent a large amount on his LEGO. You need to be matching his lack of energy in gifting and everywhere else.

For his birthday, I would buy him a cheap ass cake in a flavour he doesn't like with Happy Birthday some other name.

You'll find out your finances are not as separate as you think if you are married.

femfemlicious · 12/01/2026 15:20

You are his sugar mama. Why did you buy all the presents for his family?

femfemlicious · 12/01/2026 15:24

He doesn't love you he married you for your funds. You are buying him. You have to find a way to stop this. STOP BUYING HIM!. I hope you won't end up paying for the hotel!. Please don't 💔

femfemlicious · 12/01/2026 15:27

Lord God, I need to increase my daughters self esteem😖

GettingBoredNow · 12/01/2026 15:31

The voucher could be put down to being thoughtless.

The mug to me is almost more egregious
I think he knows I'm a bit underwhelmed by the mug, because I told him I was suprised that it came from that specific seller as it looks nothing like any of her other stuff, that's when he told me that he chose the cheapest one as he didnt think a mug was worth paying that amount of money for. £50 for a mug is a huge amount of money, I agree, but I would have been happy with just the mug! Or no mug at all. It's the blatant choosing something cheaper because he feels its not worth it.

He knew what you wanted so he either buys it or he doesn’t. He also had a good idea what you were spending on him as he’d dropped hints. He simply doesn’t think you are worth getting something frivolous because you want it. He feels you can make do with something that he feels is close enough. He gives it so little thought that he either doesn’t realise everytime you look at that mug you know how much he thinks you’re worth or he realises that and it’s the point.

Whatever his motivation you know you are worth more consideration than this and he is not going to change

femfemlicious · 12/01/2026 15:31

CellophanicDreams · 11/01/2026 18:47

On reading both telling someone to check out the freedom program because a partner didn't buy them a gift where there was no other context or details about the relationship is probably well over the top in all honesty. 🤷‍♀️
My first thought from the original post there wasn't to leap to abuse over a gift not being purchased there were no other details in that particular post to suggest abuse.

The OPs case is different where they have explained how the burden of everything is on them etc but thats not the level of detail the post being advised to engage in the freedom program exhibited. Abuse is serious and should be taken seriously hence the existence of such programs but not being bought a gift is not abuse when it's an isolated disappoint. Not everything we think is not nice equals abuse and could be an isolated incident.. Without more detail it was a long reach.

Edited

This is financial ABUSE!. he pays for NOTHING in the home, not even food he eats!. Somehow she ended up paying for all the presents for his family. She definitely needs the freedom programme

NorthXNorthWest · 12/01/2026 15:33

I would rather have no partner than one that thought so little of me. It isn't the money if the lack of thought. He is living the life of riley under the current financial arrangement. You chose thoughtful gifts for him, taking in to account what he likes and places value on. He go to choose gifts for you based on what he likes and places value on. The value he places on you is a cheap mug...

He seems quite expensive financially and emotionally.

You deserve an equal who values you as much as you value them.

Get your ducks in a row - make sure he has no claim on the house and get rid. Think of it as an early birthday present.

Poodleville · 12/01/2026 15:46

What a Prince!

I'm afraid your finances are relevant in this case as even though it's understandable why you wanted separate finances, it's set the scene for him to live off you as a selfish man child. The latest gift giving is just a reflection of his half hearted care for you.

Honestly, what does he bring to your life that a hot water bottle for your bed wouldn't?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think you deserve better than this. The whole voucher debacle shows he is just out for himself. And doesn't even have the shame to hide it well at this point.

BCSurvivor · 12/01/2026 15:47

''He has plenty of money for beers every day or to pay for his hobbies and will think nothing of spending £££ on unnecessary but flashy car parts. He will spend money on things that he thinks is worthwhile.''

OP, he has plenty of money to spend on himself because you are funding his lifestyle.
He lives with you, yet contributes absolutely nothing towards the household bills or food.
Presumably you also lost your Single person's council tax reduction when he moved in aswell.
Does he actually have a job, or can he afford not to work because he is living rent free, bills free and having his food bought for him aswell?
Goodness me OP, you're even buying all the presents for his family!

Bigcat25 · 12/01/2026 15:58

Manxexile · 12/01/2026 14:58

Why are you suggesting she spend £350 on his birthday? Only gift or not.

He doesn't deserve anything!

Agree. She is in the hole to him by thousands already, why should she buy him another very expensive gift.

sandyhappypeople · 12/01/2026 16:05

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:38

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread, I only explained so that posters questioning his income can see that he doesn't have high living expenses. I am ok with the financial arrangement we have.

I dont want the financial arrangement to sidetrack the thread,

It really does make all the difference though in fairness. If he paid the lions share of the expenses or even an equal amount, he could be forgiven for coming across as quite frugal with gifts.. but he really has no excuse here, he is living off you completely and he can't even show his appreciation in any meaningful way when it counts.

To answer you original question, I'd be extremely disappointed in him and his choice of gifts, the overnight stay one is genuinely, an insult, he wants you to pay to take him on a holiday costing hundreds of pounds that he's contributed £50 towards "as a gift".. please give yourself the best present you ever could and ask him to leave, no more sob stories, no more disappointment.

You deserve better.

Pistachiocake · 12/01/2026 16:07

Squeeky112 · 11/01/2026 12:06

That is well cheeky. But me and my DH don't buy each other presents AT ALL for christmas, birthday, anniversary etc - so much less stress, we both support it,, and buy things we need/want when we need them. None of these issues arise.

Agree-most couples seem to do this now. I understand that in the past, women didn't work and might not have been able to buy themselves things, but now life is stressful enough, when most of us are working FT.
With the voucher, if it's a place you want to go, OP, use it. If not, say you feel it was cheeky and that from now on, just get each other a card and choose your own presents.

Floundering66 · 12/01/2026 16:15

He’s bought you things HE wants. Clearly wants the overnight stay but doesn’t want to spend more than £50 on it. His coffee table project has now become your present. Awful. I’d be livid 😂

CautiousLurker2 · 12/01/2026 16:20

CautiousLurker2 · 12/01/2026 14:09

So coupled with his bushcraft knife collection it was a gift for him? I’d give it back to him and state you will not be using it. And if the lego is unopened, I’d be retrieving that and returning it, too.

As other PPs say, you seem to be settling for him now as the alternative - separating and raising DCs alone - seems less than ideal. But so is this model of relationships.

And frankly, the ‘I was alone for 10 years before I met you so you knew I’d be a rubbish partner’ is just laughably disingenuous. All of us are alone for years, decades even, as we grow up from children and start out in life.

Honestly, you would be better off without him. So would your kids.

Just going to add. I think that if you have had an abusive relationship in the past it is easy to slip into a submissive and accepting state where the fact that a subsequent partner does not physically hurt you, does not scream and yell at you, you kid yourself that you are not being abused. You almost become grateful for him because he’s not like the ex. Except that he is. He is neglectful, selfish, and quietly eroding what is left of your self-esteem by the passive aggressive gift giving - the cheap version of the mug because you don’t deserver the one you wanted, the voucher for a cabin holiday HE wants and expects you to fund the balance of. It’s still a form of psychological harm, deliberately metered out.

I won’t reference low self-esteem as you are aware you have it OP. Who wouldn’t after the relationships you’ve been through and the desperate and brave efforts to give your kids ‘normal’ and ‘safe’? But this man is a nasty, selfish and corrosive element in your life and you really would be better with him out of it. And then I would try to find a good counsellor with experience working with DV victims to try and rebuild that self-esteem. You can reclaim it and model empowerment to your kids by doing this for you.

Still think you should return the freaking lego, though.

squiddlysnot · 12/01/2026 16:20

Did I read this right - he's your DC's stepfather and he didn't get them anything for Christmas?

Bloozie · 12/01/2026 16:24

I earn more than my husband. We set a spend limit for gifts that is what HE can afford, and he dazzles me with the thought he puts into gifts, and the way he really listens throughout the year. Every gift, whether it's a £60 face cream or a £2 hair pin, is always absolute perfection.

So I don't buy that your husband's gifts are a budget thing. It's a 'he's a thoughtless tight bastard' thing.

I would tell him you're happy to give him the voucher back as part of his birthday present - what a great idea.

And then not top it up or indeed stay there.

Calliopespa · 12/01/2026 16:32

Alltheyellowbirds · 11/01/2026 12:20

That is ingenious.

And then make him pay for the rest of the stay.

I second this plan op!

The only thing I am going to say in his defence is that I am quite a spendy person who justifies cost on the basis that one really good quality item is better than two or three cheapish things, but, seriously, short of a Haviland Limoges teacup, I am wondering what mug costs £50?? Is it Astier de Villatte? (If so, I am on your side: it's lovely!)

LSADM · 12/01/2026 16:47

Tell him you’re going with a mate 🤣 he’ll be gutted he didn’t get a £50 bargain stay for his birthday lol

Barnbrack · 12/01/2026 16:52

What is the point of him?

Collects knives- red flag

Is useless, doesn't contribute.

Just get rid of him, how long have you been with this useless thoughtless man?

Ericabro · 12/01/2026 16:53

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:24

Pretty sure. It's not a hotel as such, it's a log cabin lodge type place with no other facilities on site.

I would be very generous and give him the voucher to use now along with his bin bag of clothes,I have been you and I want you to think about this any money you spend on him is money you cant/wont be able to spend on your kids, If your best mate told you this was the relationship she was in what would you say? be you own best friend love he is a user and you deserve better don't teach your kids this is a okay way to treat you or be treated x godd luck love

DorsetCafes · 12/01/2026 16:54

The voucher sounds like he won it in a raffle at a work do or school fete.