To take away phones on sleepover

[gowednesday]

10 year old dsd, hosting first school friend sleepover next weekend.

is it unreasonable to say no phones or that we’ll look after them and they can ask to use them?

I don’t do sleep overs outside of cousins because I really cba dealing with someone else’s child who I don’t really know overnight, but even when we do play dates I say no tablets. They’re too young for phones and I don’t think any of DD6s pals have phones (outside of brick phones for calling their parents). But ultimately it comes down to I don’t want to have to be responsible for someone else’s child’s internet use. I can’t watch them properly because I’ve got to deal with my other kids. As long as you inform the parents I think it’s a fair request.

@Tdcp did the host mother not tell the guests what to do in an emergency? Why was your dd petrified? My dc are older now but I hosted a fair few sleepovers when they were younger. I made sure the guests were comfortable in my house and they knew they could find me if they needed something. I’d be pretty disappointed as a host if a guest child couldn’t tell me they were unwell in the night.

10 year olds shouldn't have smartphones.

Parents shouldn't be sending their 10 year olds to sleep at houses where they don't feel safe or the parent doesn't feel they'll be safe without a phone!

Children absolutely shouldn't be having unsupervised access to the internet overnight.

I'd let parents know beforehand that you have a no smartphones rule.

Yet everyone thinks their child would never!

Absolutely. I am in this very situation as my youngest is considering whether to go on first beaver camp and is nervous at the thought. I told her I will collect her in the night if she feels scared. She asked me how would she let me know and I said she’d tell one of the leaders and they’d phone me. She burst out crying and said she couldn’t do that. Clear indication to me that she’s not ready to sleep away without me, doesn’t yet have the required problem solving skills. It’s on me as a parent to help her develop these to prepare her for times she will need them. It’s not a sign she needs a device she’s not capable of using safely.

This is making me think of Jonathon Haidt’s book being called ‘anxious generation’ - and how some anxious parents are teaching their children that phones are anxiety prevention devices - well meaning but leading to worse anxiety and problems for a generation of children and young people.

I wouldn't want my child's phone taken away from them in this scenario.

If you're going to do this, you should let the parents know first.

I would want my child to be able to contact me, if they needed to, without telling you.

I came across this recently.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/rcna141477

What the fuck is wrong with people?! Thats absolutely wild. How much cider?

If you feel you need to interfere in other peoples parenting decisions you need to discuss it with the parents rather than impose it on the children.

Does that include sending your child to someone else’s house with a phone? As that affects my parenting choice to have my kids not exposed to that.

How does your mind work? Because this is crazy talk.

As we can see from this thread it’s something that people have very different views about.

it’s something that the adults should discuss with each other. Rather than imposing their own views on children.

My children are not allowed sleepovers at primary school. But after that, this house has a no devices upstairs rule, and I would inform anyone coming to stay of it.

Oh I see, I take your point, I misunderstood what you meant. Agreed it’s for adults to sort out and teach children about.

That's what I find weird here too. They can just ask for the phone back if they want to contact their parents. When I was little you asked if it was ok to use the phone if you needed to talk to your parents. I still have a landline, although it barely works.

When we take children on Scout camps, phones are a complete No for safeguarding reasons. (In certain circumstances they have them during the day and handed in at night). However are DBS checked, done safeguarding training etc so its a slight different scenario.

However the safeguarding risks for children having a device which can broadcast live on the Internet in a place where other children are changing and sleeping does remain.

A fair compromise for a child/parent who needs the security of contact while on a sleepover would be a dumb phone with no camera or Internet capability.

I completely agree with you, I would do the same. Phones left in communal areas only.

I am of the age where we could huddle around the family computer at sleepovers, we had lots of fun taking webcams photos and chatting to friends on MSN. We also accessed lots of chatrooms and websites we really shouldn't have, even the less dangerous ones "scary stories and real ghost photos" for example, kept me awake at night for years after!

I was horrifically bullied at a sleepover at a similar age, I was a shy child so didn’t tell the adult but was so unhappy for hours. If I had a phone I would have been able to text my mum to collect me, but no matter what was happening I wouldn’t have asked the adult supervising to call my mum to pick me up (I just didn’t have the courage)
So now as a parent whilst I completely see your reasoning for saying no phones, and I do worry about all the valid reasons people have mentioned about why they wouldn’t allow phones; I wouldn’t want my child to not be able to contact me easily whenever they needed/wanted to.
However I wouldn’t let my 10 year old have a phone with internet access either, it would be an embarrassing old brick phone solely for being able to contact me so 🤷‍♀️

My ten year old was shown a violent video AT SCHOOL on YouTube by another child. He doesn't have a phone because he's ten and doesn't need one, and thankfully his friends also don't have them yet. If he goes to a sleepover I'd want him to be chatting and playing with his mates and not on a phone looking at whatever. I spent my childhood at sleepovers and would tell the parents if I was feeling homesick or if I need to speak to my mum. I despair that people are arguing with the OP on behalf of allowing kids this young access to phones and the internet particularly in a group setting unsupervised at night. Children shouldn't have phones in bedrooms full stop and we should all be doing more to protect our kids from the potential for online abuse.

I would say to the parents all phones to be left at home with them. If they aren't happy with that they can politely decline.
My oldest is 10 and none of her friends have phones with SIM - a couple have parents old phones they use like a tablet, but no sim card so wouldn't work at ours anyway.

We have a landline, and all know they can use to call their parents if needed, 1 that is a bit anxious has her parents numbers on paper in her bag. But has never used them to my knowledge

It's the other way around: children allowed smartphones is itself sinister. Have you really not noticed that a smartphone is more than a communication device? If they had a simple phone, which is all they should have at 9 or 10, there'd be no problem them keeping it to text parents.

There is consideration of the idea of making it a safeguarding fail if children are seen with smartphones in school during an ofsted inspection. I think we will reach a point very soon when parents letting children have smartphones is a safeguarding issue, if not actual child abuse. Allowing children to see sexual imagery is CSA after all.

I do no smartphones upstairs at night at sleepovers but they know they can contact parents anytime if they want to. That's a massive compromise my end to let them bring a smartphone into my house at all.

Edited to add: have now read this morning's responses and am relieved that sanity is beginning to prevail on this thread.

I think we're too afraid of the real world and not afraid enough of the online world.

A lot of the issues people are raising here like being too afraid to wake the host child's parents, or being bullied by friends at the actual sleepover, are reasons to avoid the sleepover entirely until the child is ready/have friends who aren't horrible to them. The very serious possibilities like the man spiking the kids smoothies in Oregon are 1. Literally global news, so very unlikely and 2. Wouldn't be prevented by all the kids having phones.

I don't think children that young should be using their phones as a crutch to relieve anxiety either, they're not being taught resilience that way.

If people don't trust/know the parents well enough to be happy sending without a phone, then I would suggest not sending them at all, and equally if child is too anxious to go without a phone, they probably aren't ready for sleepovers, which is fine, children are ready at different ages.

Why has your 10 year old got a phone? If it’s a phone that doesn’t have a sim it should have parental controls on it anyway so they can’t access anything that you wouldn’t want them doing day or night. I’m not sure why it being nighttime makes a difference here.

My 10 year old doesn’t have a phone but if she did I wouldn’t expect it to be removed at a sleepover. I’d probably have it set up so she could message me all the time but cut everything else off at a set time. That’s what I do with my 13 year old’s. At home, I take it nightly even tho it’s locked down but if a parent took hers at a sleepover, I wouldn’t say anything but I wouldn’t be impressed.

I’ve said when hosting sleepovers to the parents and visiting child that our kids don’t have phones so if you have one, we’ll put it away for the sleepover - you’re here to have fun not stare at a screen. They can of course call mum before bed and if they want to go home, they can ask. Friends with limited phone use are used to it. One little horror who screamed that she wanted to spend all her time online gaming with other friends who weren’t here was not welcome back.

Anyone with a child age 10 (and under) who thinks their child will be ‘safe’ at a sleepover (or any daytime friendship meet up) because they have a smartphone with them to contact home, is woefully ignorant about what they can access and see on their device. No amount of spinning that your child ‘understands how to use them responsibly’ will be enough to ‘keep them safe’ from their own actions or from what their friends (and bullies) with smartphones share with them.