Post surgery gaming partner, wanting him to fucking grow up

[didntsignup]

My OH plays video games habitually, he never stops. I’m off work at the moment recovering from surgery and I’m getting so annoyed with his gaming.

Firstly he does shit all in the house. I’ve just struggled out of bed and he’s sitting on the couch playing a game on his phone. I said I need to put the washing on. He half heartedly said “should I do it?”

The dishes are piled up. Washing basket overflowing. Bins needs emptying. He does fuck all.

I usually work 9-5 but obviously been off this week, and he comes back from work around 2. He sets up himself on his laptop and games til about 6.

But when he’s finished on his laptop hell switch to his phone again. And plays it all night. Unless of course he wants sex. After sex (if it happens, which it hasn’t since surgery obviously) he’ll play on it until 1 or 2am. When I see the light on his phone I’ll quietly ask him to turn it off, which is met by moans of it helps him sleep/it’s his hobby/ it’s what he wants to do.

I am getting so angry just being in a room with him. I’ll say something and he’ll respond 30 seconds later not knowing what I’ve said but head buried in a phone. Was the same in hospital when I was there - 8 hours post surgery just playing on his fucking phone.

It’s so off putting, I feel like I’m in a teenage relationship where I have to ask for basic conversation or for him to do a fucking dish.

Any wives of gamers here? Is this normal? Aibu

Married to a gamer - both online and D&D. He pulls his weight. We went through a phase where he didn’t (ND doesn’t bloody help) so I now tell him what jobs need doing, and we have a blackboard.

But he has never, ever, put gaming before helping me if I’ve been ill / post surgery.

You need to sit down and set some boundaries. What I did in the problem period was to sort out the WiFi router. I’m the admin for it, so I set it to kick his phone and computer off the system at certain points (midnight for example). After a couple of times of losing game play he started logging off earlier. That and clear expectations so if he was ignoring me / jobs to play then the router would ‘glitch’ and be down for enough time to get the job done. It took me about 3 months but he’s controlled the gaming since then.

Good luck

I'd definitely leave if I had kids. I wouldn't want them to think this is an acceptable relationship dynamic.

What was he like pre marriage?

Id be asking him what exactly he thinks you get from this relationship because its not a partner to run the house with, and its not a partner whose interested in you as a person is it.... he doesnt seem to want to spend any time with you!!

You are beig unreasonable to stay in this relationship. I can't see what you're getting out if it.

Why on earth are you with him? Dump him obviously.

Don’t have children with him, whatever you do.

Fair, it was probably easy to ignore when you were doing your own thing, i don't think there is anything wrong with gaming really, men can game and not be useless. I think you might need to start giving him a list like he is a teenager if you want stuff done.

It sounds like he has an addiction so it's going to be an uphill battle until he addresses it.

In the meantime iyou will need to be more direct with him eg instead of saying "I need to put washing on" you say " please put the washing on"?

It doesn't solve the mental load problem but you are giving him a binary choice and making it clear what is needed, which is harder to brush off.

What does he bring to the relationship?

As far as he is concerned he has a housekeeper who also provides sex.

Long term you have no future with him. In the short term I would stop doing anything for him - cooking, washing, sex.

I actually feel so sad for you, you deserve better than him he obviously doesn’t care about your needs and only for himself, even if you’ve got kids together if he’s not right for you he’s not right for you and personally I don’t think he is

I think a very direct conversation is needed - give him the list of things that need doing before any gaming - you are supposed to be recovering from surgery and should not be doing the chores. Don't let the resentment build up - be clear, calm and firm about what needs doing and that he needs to limit his gaming. He's a grown man, not a teenage boy and he has responsibilities. He's taking the piss and needs to grow up.

Yeah, he's addicted. It's one of the biggest turn offs, i had an ex who was older than me but would game into the night, or id spend a day in thr garden and come in and he'd be in a dark room gaming.

I like a bit of Nintendo myself sometimes, and could easily slip into playing Zelda for hours as time does go wierd when you're enjoying a game, but part of being an adult is recognising when it's time to stop, and if you find you can't stop, recognising you have a big problem. It's SUCH a time sink if it's all the time, hobby my arse if it is something that stops you taking part on normal life then it's an u healthy hobby.

There is a difference between gaming as a hobby and gaming as an addiction/life program.

And there is a difference between being a gamer and being a bastard.

If he wasn't gaming but spend the same time on social media, cycling, reading books, or knitting, it would be the same problem.

I don't believe that if he put the games away, he would be doing something more useful instead - and that's the problem here.

Having a hobby is fair, but most people with hobbies don’t do it at all hours and at the expense of family/couple time/basic life management. I mean someone who looks after horses isn’t going to start grooming their horse at 2am while in bed with you. A golfer isn’t going to come home, have sex with you, then head back out for more golf (and if they did you’d be out the door pretty fast I reckon).

So if he wants that to be his hobby, he needs to accept that he only does it the same amount of time that normal hobbyists do their hobbies for. Any more than that, and as others have said, it’s an addiction, not a hobby.

No, it’s not normal, nor is it acceptable! He’s an adult but refuses to behave like one! My OH spends most of his day on his iPad if I let him, but shopping needs doing, laundry needs doing, meals need preparing and household chores need doing.,.,…….and I refuse to do it all! So I delegate by communicating with him. Sorted!

I said I need to put the washing on
Why did you say this?
“You need to do the washing” & “Please do the dishes” leaves no room for negotiation.

I had a 3 hour surgery last week. I’m doing nothing except watching come dine with me. DH is taking the kids to their clubs, cooking dinner, walking the dog etc etc I don’t have to ask or direct. He doesn’t game but he is planning to watch the football later, which is fine because before that he’ll have sorted everything else first like a grown up.

Sometimes it takes a blip in life to realise how someone just won't step up to the mark. Up to that point, you give them the benefit of the doubt and just assume that if it came to the crunch, they'd be there for you. The damage is done. You never forget that they weren't there when you needed them.

Consider this a worthwhile lesson OP and act on it!

I put YABU. By you saying 'I need to put a wash on' you're skirting around the issue and not helping yourself.

YOU need to put a wash on (DH) can you do that now please.
if you don't think he will listen and you're sick to the back teeth of him, then you need to leave him. If you're still putting up with sex.. before surgery, and you're still doing the washing, nothing will change.

seriously, consider leaving this waste of space.

Hopefully this is the wake-up call you need, to realise what a lazy partner you have.

This isn’t really a relationship is it? It’s more like child-minding.

I wouldn’t have stayed dating someone long enough for it to turn into us living together if they were like this.

It shouldn’t have got to the point that you’re only just now bothered about his incompetence and laziness now that you’ve had surgery.

You are both adults living in the same household he should be doing his equal share of chores, up keep and just daily duties.

You have man child on your hands and this isn’t going to get better. I would find it so unattractive and such a turn off to be with someone who did nothing but game.

Ancient gamer here (And I'm not sorry!)

He's a selfish waste of space

You can do better

Yep I would say the gaming is just an excuse. He’s lazy, addicted to his phone (probably the two go hand in hand). Tell him to either get some help to kick his addiction or it is over. Also, were you “giving in” to sex or was it mutual? If not mutual then I’d suggest you get your own counselling…

YANBU. I'm sure someone will be along to tell you to communicate or write a list or project manage him but honestly who can be fucking bothered.

Is he OH or husband?