Daughter is becoming a hoarder

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Dd 10 will not part with anything, she’s kept every toy she’s ever had. All the colouring and art things she’s ever made. Every certificate or piece of work she’s ever brought home and is utterly distraught at the thought of ever having to get rid of anything.
We don’t have enough room for everything and her room is so cluttered with stuff she can’t part with.
Is it fair to insist she has a sort out and parts with some of it? She will find that so hard.

I’m guessing this didn’t just happen overnight. Was this indulged by you in the beginning because she made so much fuss when you tried to get rid of something and has now become obsessive? Obviously it doesn’t set up a healthy relationship with inanimate objects or the fact of life that we all have to part with things and can’t cling onto everything forever. Can you start with things that are oldest and least important that she’s not really going to notice? Perhaps even some childhood therapy may help instil a more healthy relationship with objects.

Of course it’s fair. Why not get her in you bedroom to help whilst you declutter. Explain why it’s important and how good it will be to pass items on to other in need. Roel model it and then help her to go through the process.

Do you have room anywhere to store some
of it in big lidded containers? Just so that she gets used to the idea of not having lots of clutter around her, with the hope that she eventually accepts that stuff can be got rid of ?

Have you taken her to the doctor for a counselling referral?

With the arts and crafts stuff have you tried the idea of photographing it all and then getting rid of most of it?

How serious is the situation and how strong are her reactions to getting rid of things?

If she is developing Hoarding disorder then just insisting on decluttering will only be a temporary solution and you may need to seek professional help for the underlying issue

Hoarding is a psychological response so you need to understand why she does it rather than forcing a clear out as the first step.

Surely when she was much younger you made the decisions to get rid of things so how has she been able to keep everything?

She's 10, you are already her enabler.
Unless you want her living in a house with pathways through rooms because she can't get rid of anything you need to do something now.
As her parent you need to explain that holding onto everything is not normal and together you are going to clear her room. Start by getting her to donate old toys that are not appropriate for her age. Keep at it, you are going to have to ignore the tantrums.
Once it is done, keep on top of it. Show her the routines she will need to keep her space clear.

Spend an hour with her sorting one shelf or drawer. Make piles of things to keep and things to donate and things to bin. Make a box for “special art to keep” and take a photo of any art that is going in the bin. Work together, slowly calmly and model the way to make thoughtful decisions about what to keep.

when one area is done, stop for tea and do something fun. The next day, praise the tidy area and help her pick which area to work on next.

by doing this slowly and helping her make good decisions, you’ll set her up for doing better in future.

if you just rush in with a bin bag, or tell her to tidy without showing her how, she will get worse.

Did she have any obvious losses earlier in her life? Death, divorce are the obvious ones but sometimes it’s more subtle….moving homes / schools at a difficult time for eg.? Does she have good relationships with family members, friends at school? You might want to have a read up on why people feel the need to hoard.

I think trying to help her clear the clutter first would be better than running straight to counselling or the doctor.

My son is six and has this tendency but you have to push through it. I told him before Christmas that we would need to clear out some old stuff. He cried bless him. But I gave him plenty of warning and said he wouldn't be able to get new stuff if there was no place to put it. We talked about it for a couple of weeks then on a calm weekend after he'd got all his new Christmas toys, me and his dad went through his toy boxes with him. He didn't find it easy to choose things to go but we emphasized that it's nice for it to go to a new home where it will actually be played with. I would say he was more upset when the idea was first discussed than when we actually did it, so certainly in his case I think giving him the time to get used to the idea helped.

As suggested work slowly with her to identify toys she doesn’t play with that can either 1) go to charity to make other children happy, or 2) go into a box to store for later (which you then hope she forgets about… wink wink)

I had difficulty getting rid of old things. Growing up my mum would just clear out my room while I was at school and I’d return to find things gone, which was upsetting. As an adult I do the “things in a box” so I am assured six months later I didn’t need these things so it’s safe to chuck out.

edit: the box goes in the loft or garage out the way

My son was and is still like this he's 18 now. He was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and it seems to be connected to that

Watch Stacey Solomon's Sort your Life out with her! But seriously, do start modelling this habit now. It's a necessary life-skill.

Came here to say the same! SYLO has some practical tips too - there’s a frame where you can store artwork.

What about helping her sell things on Vinted and letting her keep the money? And finding some toys she doesn’t play with and taking to a charity shop for children who don’t have much?

She has toy boxes of things that she doesn’t use or play with but when I say about clearing out suddenly she’s so attached to everything we suggested and says but this was what I brought home from holiday and this was what so and so bought me and this was my first.. until everything becomes of some sort of sentimental value of a favourite toy.
There will be tears if she can’t find something and I explain I didn’t keep it.
Books she’s read but keeps because she wants to read again and things she’s made and proud of.
I have binned things in the past to make room but even though she has so much stuff she seems to have a mental note of everything and notices immediately if something is gone and her first reaction is tears like she mourning it such as a Christmas decoration she was hoping to find when we got the Christmas things down and the particular soft toy that we didn’t keep and she never mentioned suddenly she was crying for because she missed it and wanted another one the same which we didn’t get.
She often recall the handful of things that we have cleared out without her as the things that suddenly went missing so I always do it with her and she just won’t part with anything.

Is it fair to insist she has a sort out and parts with some of it? She will find that so hard.

Of course it's fair. It's your JOB as a parent to help her learn how to deal with getting rid of stuff and making appropriate decisions. How has it got to the stage that age 10, she has every toy she has ever had? Were you not making decisions about having a clear out when she was 3, 4, 5?

She is definitely old enough to realise that her room is a fixed size and that she cannot simply keep adding more things to it. She is also old enough to know that toys/books designed for a pre-schooler or 5 year old are not appropriate for her. She is also probably well aware that her friends' rooms do not appear as cluttered as hers.

Something like Sort Your Life Out on BBC is suitable for her to watch. It does need to be addressed though as it will just get worse. Also, she is 10 and a child, you are an adult and need to make the decisions which are in her best interests.

My (now adult) DD was a hoarder and still leans that way. I culled a lot of her things without her knowing until she was an adult. No regrets.

Moving out & living on her own & having to keep all her stuff in one room & having to move house with it... she has learned to cull for herself.

This is really normal child behaviour so don't worry about people suggesting trauma counselling etc, my goodness.

There are lots of ordinary things you can do...

1. making a big deal of "you're so grown up now" let's give these babyish toys away to baby cousin/neighbour/baby bank
2. Donate 3 toys to charity and you can have 1 new one
3. Let her take photos of artwork before binning it
4. Have a big box of artwork and throw the oldest bits in it away every so often (this works really well for us)

The hoarding is a symptom of something. I would get her some therapy and try to get to the bottom of this as this is not normal. The focus should be first on why she is hoarding rather than how to get rid of her things. Address the problem, not just the symptom.

There's a charity shop near us specially for kids toys so I sometimes take the kids there with their donations and they physically hand it over and then I'll buy them a new one. The volunteer there helpfully makes a big fuss of "wow some younger children will love playing with these" and it works great

No, she’s never lost a loved one and is otherwise a very bright and social girl, she excels at school and no big moves or life disruption.

So there’s tears. So what? She’s not going to die. Sometimes children cry. It’s part of parenting unfortunately and you can’t become an enabler to hoarding just because you can’t cope with a few tears and mould your life around avoiding them.

Of course it is normal. I'd be much more worried if a child had no pride in their artwork or interest in keeping their toys, and no desire for autonomy and choice over them.

It doesn't mean op should indulge this behaviour, of course old things need to be thrown out to make room for new ones. But this is not a sign of mental illness, it is a normal desire for autonomy and ownership