Daughter is becoming a hoarder

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Dd 10 will not part with anything, she’s kept every toy she’s ever had. All the colouring and art things she’s ever made. Every certificate or piece of work she’s ever brought home and is utterly distraught at the thought of ever having to get rid of anything.
We don’t have enough room for everything and her room is so cluttered with stuff she can’t part with.
Is it fair to insist she has a sort out and parts with some of it? She will find that so hard.

You're getting lots of practical advice here about how to declutter, organize etc. but this would only be a temporary help as this update is definitely pointing towards underlying problems.

It's one thing to be a collector of things or to be quite attached to things, and have a natural accumulative personality ...but quite another of she is experiencing actual distress at the mere thought of parting with "stuff " then this could be indicative of deeper mental health issues.

I would honestly explore some professional help here .

Would it help to get a professional declutterer in? You could look for one who has sensitivity and specialises in dealing with hoarders. The professional could come once a year until it becomes normal. Would be money well spent if it stops your lovely daughter becoming a hoarder.

Is it literally just tears? If it is then you need to get this sorted right now as she is in danger of becoming a spoilt brat. If it's more than that then you may have to explore other routes, including some kind of medical diagnosis.

Would she be ok with selling things and getting the money? You can pretend if you can't be bothered to go through the process and just give her money for thr things "someone bought" while she was at school.

But yes, if she will never let go of anything, professional help is the way to go. You don't want this being an even bigger issue as an adult. I have a very good friend who is a harder and it does impact their life significantly. Better to help early than get that far.

I was like this, still am a bit but have had to get better. I have ADHD (diagnosed as an adult) so I think that’s why.

what would have helped me would have been to be able to photograph every thing and write down any memories attached to it. And also a ‘one in one out’ system before birthday and Christmas’. What didn’t help me was doing a car boot sale- I remember being really upset when people would bargain for my toys down to £1 or £2- it felt disrespectful.

How about buying her a lovely memory box and aiming to keep the top three favourites of each type of gift , the others you can photograph

I think it’s unreasonable to force your daughter to part with her possessions. When she starts secondary school, she will probably not want her new friends to see her toys and will want to get rid of some of them. My daughter was always so proud of all her certificates, and I would never have expected her to get rid of any of them - they’re still upstairs in a box and she looks at them occasionally when she’s home. We put up lots of shelves in her bedroom, bought loads of storage boxes, and we sorted and tidied everything together so thst her room wasn’t a mess.

I voted YANBU, but this reply makes it sound like you were quietly getting rid of some of her belongings without telling her? If you were occasionally throwing away things that are hers in the hope that she won’t notice, this is going to have the opposite effect to the one you want.

Give your daughter a bit of agency in this. You shouldn’t be getting rid of any of her stuff without telling her, but you can set clear boundaries. If she wants a new book, tell her that you’re happy to get it for her provided she selects an old book to give to a charity shop once you get home. If you get home and she can’t decide, then you make sure you’ve told her that if she can’t decide then the new book gets returned. A one in one out policy can seem a bit harsh, but it establishes rules while allowing her the agency to pick and choose what she wants to keep.

The other thing you can do is have a box where you tell her to put anything she’s not that interested in anymore, and agree that if she hasn’t wanted anything from the box in a year’s time, then it gets given to charity.

It’s good to nip the hoarding and emotional attachment in the bud early, but it needs to be done sensitively. Excessive attachment to objects is often a sign of fear or loss or feeling out of control elsewhere in life.

My DS couldn't get rid of anything - also got very distressed when we had a new front door and when we needed to replace the TV.

He's autistic. He felt that being got rid of would make all those things unhappy.

Tell her she can keep X number of types of things. Her best ones/favourites/things she will use. So crafts she’s made, if she had 20, say she can keep her favourite 5. Give her a time frame to decide.

Why are you even questioning this? She is 10 you are an adult. If you want the stuff binned then bin it.

Find a child psychologist. This is an attachment issue -- if she literally cannot bear to part with anything, it's a deeper-seated issue than just being spoilt.

It's ok for her to cry OP. It's normal. I think too many parents now thing a child crying is the worst thing ever and must be prevented if at all possible. It's ok for them to experience sadness, and to learn that life does go on, yes we feel sad for a bit and then we recover, time heals us.

Nearly all children will cry when having to throw a few things, they all do this, where magically apparently something is 'special' the second you want to bin it.
You just need to press on, encourage her to take a photo as a memory etc, and obv she can keep some special items, but she can't designate everything as special. Start with the earlier stuff. Now that she's older, drawings from when she was much younger that might have seemed extra good at the time will probably not seem so brilliant now and she may be more willing to dispose of them.

And just empathise and say yes it can feel sad throwing things can't it, but you will feel better about it later /in a few days.

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair i was exactly the same. I remember taking a photo of our old dishwasher before it got taken away and replaced with a new one. And I remember if I wanted something in a shop- even a cheese or loaf of bread- but had to ask my mum first, I would hide that exact one somewhere weird so I could get it again. I have ADHD

Give your daughter a bit of agency in this. You shouldn’t be getting rid of any of her stuff without telling her, but you can set clear boundaries. If she wants a new book, tell her that you’re happy to get it for her provided she selects an old book to give to a charity shop once you get home. If you get home and she can’t decide, then you make sure you’ve told her that if she can’t decide then the new book gets returned. A one in one out policy can seem a bit harsh, but it establishes rules while allowing her the agency to pick and choose what she wants to keep

This is good and similar to what I was going to say. One in - one out for books, toys, clothes etc.
She can only have something new if something else goes first. She's old enough to understand that and understand that there is limited storage space.

With the arts and crafts you can set a limit on how many can be kept or you could have a couple of folders with plastic pockets to keep art and drawings in (so it looks tidy) and once they are full something will have to go if she wants to put something new in. Or she could have one folder for each year of her life with the best of her art in each one. This would keep it in check.
Anything else gets binned (whether she likes it or not). She can take a photo before it goes. Perhaps she could make a photo book each year of her artwork as well as, or instead of, the folders.

I think you are right to be concerned about this and it could turn into hoarding behaviour. It would be worth seeking professional help too, especially if she still reacts badly when you tell her about one in-one out or selecting some artwork to keep.

My 7yo DS is very much like this. He's hates parting with anything. Sometimes I've made him get rid of stuff and he's cried hysterically. Sometimes he'll go on about missing something for months after it's gone, even things like a chair he'd grown out of. The worst was this new year's eve when he got really upset and started crying saying he'd miss 2025!

I just reiterate to him that life moves on and he outgrows things. Toys he doesn't play with because he's older need to be passed on to a smaller child who can appreciate them etc. I still have to manage him being upset but I'm consistent with the message and just deal with it, because we have a very small house and there is no alternative

DS definitely takes after me - I've been upset this week about the Christmas tree.

This is the instinct almost every child has. Many don't like to flush their poo away in the beginning of potty training! But most of them get trained out of it from the very beginning by their parents ("bye poo" "we are not taking that stone home" "no, you already have a doll" "we are throwing out these paintings now") and it sounds like you haven't quite done that. So start with that.

She doesn't need therapy, she needs a mother who is prepared to teach her about life, rather than indulging her every time she turns the waterworks on. Sorry OP, but this is on you. You should have started doing this with her from the age when you first began to see that she had too much, probably about 3, then by now it's unlikely it would have been a major issue. Our job as parents is to prepare our children for life as adults, not to give into tears and objections, as if you carry on like this, you are going to have one hell of a time with her when she reaches her teens, and tells you what a dreadful mother you are because you refuse to let her do things that she'll tell you 'all her friends do!' She'll have screaming fits, and call you all sorts of names, and what will you do then, give in and let her do something that you know she shouldn't be doing??

I think you should sit her down and explain that there is a limited amount of space in her room, she's now got to a point where she has too much stuff, and it's time to let some of it go, or she will not be able to have ANYTHING new until she does. Then stick to it, every time she sees something she wants, or asks for something new, tell her she can have it, but in order to do so, she has to get rid of something first. Also, model the same thing for yourself, so if you want to buy a new item of clothing, tell her you're going shopping for a new skirt, top, whatever, and then ask her to come and help you decide which item of clothing you should get rid of, because you haven't got room to keep buying things unless you get rid of something. Then when her birthday is approaching, tell her that you need to go through her things together and choose some things to get rid of ready for when her birthday comes, as she's bound to be given new things, and there won't be room. You can get her to choose things and put them in a box, so that if she gets 6 new toys, she can then chose 6 things of similar size, from the box to give to a younger child, or to a poorly child in hospital, which ever you think will resonate with her most.

Do you have a garage/loft storage place? I usually say to my daughter that we can box it up and put it in the garage so if she wants it we can still get it out. Usually then she forgets it even existed !

If you really want to turn her into a hoarder, make her do a sort out.

Have to say, my DD was similar as a child - very sentimental and overly attached to objects. Also ASD. But it hasn't persevered, but she needs to be in the right frame of mind to tidy and declutter.
She's spent some time this week sorting out her A level gubbins. Which she couldn't do before because it upset her. She's happy at Uni now, so able to let go.
Maybe your DD finds transitions hard? This the over attachment to objects that represent significant things to her. Perhaps that's something she needs a bit of guidance about? That we can have special memories but don't have to keep everything connected to that - perhaps some way of more appropriately collecting those thoughts - an album or scrapbook perhaps could ease the need to literally keep everything. I don't think this is a massive problem tbh, but she does need a bit of help dealing with these feelings.

Personification of objects - imagining it would hurt their feelings is common with autism. They're often intensely sensitive children.

I would consider looking into OCD/anxiety/neurodivergence. She may think that throwing things out or getting rid of things means that x/y/z will happen. I think truly looking into why she’s so reluctant to part with anything is much more important, and will prevent a reoccurrence if you do manage to get her to dispose of anything.

Any other type of trauma? Adults in the family with addiction issues, one parent away for long periods of time?