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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Daughter is becoming a hoarder

92 replies

meetingstars · 10/01/2026 10:19

Dd 10 will not part with anything, she’s kept every toy she’s ever had. All the colouring and art things she’s ever made. Every certificate or piece of work she’s ever brought home and is utterly distraught at the thought of ever having to get rid of anything.
We don’t have enough room for everything and her room is so cluttered with stuff she can’t part with.
Is it fair to insist she has a sort out and parts with some of it? She will find that so hard.

OP posts:
ScullyD · 11/01/2026 02:13

I agree with @Growlybear83 and you almost sound put out by her certificates and achievements.

my mum is a bit of a hoarder and I admit I rolled my eyes as we recently cleared the certificate and art projects of mine she’d kept. But she did it because she was proud. We got rid of some and kept the rest.

just a thought - if I was a kid and thought you didn’t care about my achievements the way I wanted you to, I might cling on harder. Do you congratulate her? TBH I don’t think you should be forcing her to get rid of important possessions (to her) at this age.

SweetnsourNZ · 11/01/2026 05:33

Smartiepants79 · 10/01/2026 10:28

With the arts and crafts stuff have you tried the idea of photographing it all and then getting rid of most of it?

Can do that with other things she is attached to as well such as soft toys.

SweetnsourNZ · 11/01/2026 05:44

I'm a bit of a hoarder and had my "treasures" tucked away in a desk drawer. Some were well past useful. I shared a room with 2 sisters and our house was small though, and combined with we weren't really bought much stuff anyway it didn't get out of hand. It has carried on into adulthood but as I am aware has never got out of hand.
I put it down to having to throw everything out and give away my new beloved bike when I was 6 as we immigrated.
At 10 she must be ready for a more adult upgrade to her room. Would new decor be an incentive. Doesn't have to be expensive or extreme. A new blind, pictures duvet cover etc.

ThejoyofNC · 11/01/2026 06:29

You've already let this go on for far too long. Who cares if she cries? She will get over it. She simply cannot keep every item she's ever owned. If you do not fix this problem, it's going to be a lifelong struggle for her because you allowed it to continue which is extremely unfair.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/01/2026 06:33

My friends mum once threw out all of my friends belongings when she was this age. I can’t quite remember why. Perhaps moving house? It was just thrown out. She is still traumatized.

nondrinker1985 · 11/01/2026 07:17

My autistic daughter does this ….

MotherOfCrocodiles · 11/01/2026 08:01

Get her to put the things in a box and put it in the loft (or for outgrown toys, do it yourself). Wait 1-2 years. Then ask her if she still wants them.

i do this for myself- if you are used to seeing something in your space it feels quite brutal to go straight to disposal but hiding it for a while breaks the spell.

curious79 · 11/01/2026 08:07

My DD is the same - now 16

my solution…
I never forced getting rid of stuff but I did and still do stealth remove stuff that was broken or hadn’t been used for years or was completely age inappropriate and not anything sentimental. She never noticed (or complained). But if ever she found the things I was getting rid of, it was suddenly her favourite thing. You have to very sneaky doing this but it saves the heart ache

curious79 · 11/01/2026 08:07

My DD is the same - now 16

my solution…
I never forced getting rid of stuff but I did and still do stealth remove stuff that was broken or hadn’t been used for years or was completely age inappropriate and not anything sentimental. She never noticed (or complained). But if ever she found the things I was getting rid of, it was suddenly her favourite thing. You have to very sneaky doing this but it saves the heart ache

NeverDropYourMooncup · 11/01/2026 11:22

I'm going to come at it from the perspective of neurodivergence (and experience).

IF she is undiagnosed ND, especially as she is very able academically and has incredibly high spatial awareness and excels at visual memory/understanding, it's possible that her life, her thoughts, her everything is in a virtual 3D space around her. Does she wave her arms around when she's thinking and speaking as though she's plucking memories out of the air? If so, she may be subconsciously aware that she has object impermanence, where if she cannot see something, the memories fade and therefore the good things that are part of that object, the games, the being proud and people saying she had done very well can be lost. It could be that whilst she is incredibly good at masking, it's on the basis of her being able to come home to relax mentally and see herself rather than the way everybody expects her to present.

Being absolutely brutal with her would then be taking away the feelings of being good, clever, hardworking or special. Her certificates could go into a folder or foolscap boxfile and artwork could be placed into A3 portfolios and kept safe or in clear, lidded tubs and placed into the loft. They may be the things she is most attached to because they are the things that prove to her she is special and trashing them out of hand would be felt as you saying she isn't special and isn't allowed to remember other people saying she was.

With toys, it depends upon what that toy means to her - it could be the texture or softness that she's holding onto, a feeling of being safe and warm, or a tactile reminder/sensory experience. What are the types of toys that she holds most? Soft ones, organised boxes and sets, a giant tub of LEGO to put her hands through, a battered pink plastic monstrosity that she would play with when she got home from school as you cooked dinner, something that was pleasingly smooth or fitted together with other items, that sort of thing? If there is a most valuable characteristic, you may be able to identify the items that are the least valuable to her.

Telling her that she's stupid or far too old to be attached to something because it's for babies/give it to other children as some posters have done would hurt more in this context - and could trigger a panicked response where everything must be held onto in future.

But introducing a possible hierarchy where she can differentiate between items and feelings can help - for art stuff, we could keep all the packaging and wrappers, but these crayons are broken; that's fine, crayons don't need to be perfect when you use them - how about so you can always find them when you want them, we take the paper off the broken ones and put all of the crayons together into a tub? (also gives her another experience or memory of the texture, sound and smell of going through a tub).

After some things could be transported or transformed into more or less essential, rather than set exactly as they were, you may be able to identify with her other things that can also go.

Badinfo · 11/01/2026 16:11

My girl is very much like this too, waiting for ADHD assessment, also look at Rejection Sensitivity DIsorder and see if that resonates, it's all linked.

WhosMadeline · 11/01/2026 16:32

My DD watched all available series of Sort Your Life Out with me and we built up positive associations around Stacey, Dilly, around clutter free reveals at the end of the shows. Then one day when I was at work in the school hols my DH helped my DD tape out areas on the floor for donate/ sell/ keep/ recycle/ bin and they spent a day and did SYLO to her whole room. She even chose herself an outfit to wear that looked Staceyesque (pink flares and a coral t shirt). This was amazing and they got rid of loads.
However now it all needs doing again and she’s restocked 😩

Liftedmeup · 11/01/2026 16:46

ThejoyofNC · 11/01/2026 06:29

You've already let this go on for far too long. Who cares if she cries? She will get over it. She simply cannot keep every item she's ever owned. If you do not fix this problem, it's going to be a lifelong struggle for her because you allowed it to continue which is extremely unfair.

that is a terrible attitude. I hope you’re not a parent.

IDontHateRainbows · 11/01/2026 16:50

Just an update to those with hoarder kids - the strategy of 'get everything in boxes put in lounge and then get child to put only what they really want to keep into a box/boxes has WORKED and we now have a massive box of 'keep' and two big boxes of 'get rid' stuff in the lounge. The keep box will go back upstairs and I'm delighted to inform you that the get rid boxes will be disposed of very soon. This is after months of nagging. You need to get it all out of their room and into another room, then give them a time limit to sort through it. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have finally de-hoarded the room.

FunnyOrca · 11/01/2026 17:19

I was an unhappy child with hoarding tendencies. At 13 my parents had me switch bedrooms. I got a new bed, wardrobe, bookcase and bedside cabinet. The room had a built in cupboard and my desk moved with me. I then had to get things out of my old room as I needed them and had to home them in the new room. About 6 months later we cleared out my old room. It was very freeing.

DarlingYou · 12/01/2026 08:54

Had this with my niece. Our attitude was “that’s fine sweetheart, you can keep what you like but it’s likely we won’t be able to get you any new things this year like toys etc as there’s simply no room”. She soon changed her tune and agreed to do a room clear out.

JanuaryJasmine · 12/01/2026 09:02

Go & watch the you tube videos by Dana K White, she has some specific ones in decluttering with children.

'you can keep anything, but you can't keep everything'

she has processes that work!

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