Daughter is becoming a hoarder

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Dd 10 will not part with anything, she’s kept every toy she’s ever had. All the colouring and art things she’s ever made. Every certificate or piece of work she’s ever brought home and is utterly distraught at the thought of ever having to get rid of anything.
We don’t have enough room for everything and her room is so cluttered with stuff she can’t part with.
Is it fair to insist she has a sort out and parts with some of it? She will find that so hard.

I think there’s some harsh replies on here. Firstly, does she actually have too much stuff? I had virtually no books as a child and the few I did have I hung onto. I still have the same ones now and I’m 60. They make me happy. Certificates - put them a folder for now. I don’t see a reason to get rid of those now. Arts and crafts- depends how big and how much space they take up. Toys - looking back now, I had very few - some dolls and Lego. That’s about it. I’ve kept the dolls and the Lego was used by my own children. I think it would be extremely cruel to get rid of her possessions without discussion.

Please don’t make her throw out a book every time she gets a new one, building a library is a wonderful part of many people’s lives.

Yes I was going to say this. I know two people very similar, both of whom are autistic.

It's important that you explain why she has to get rid of things. Explain that unless some things go, there can't be any new things in the room. For everything that goes in, something has to come out.

As others have mentioned, take photos of art work and make a folder on your phone/tablet that she can look at. Allow her to keep a certain number of pieces, her favourites.

Give her the chance to choose what happens to the things she gets rid of. A charity shop would be best, but allow her to choose the charity (it doesn't necessarily HAVE to go here.. so long as she thinks it does.. if it helps it helps).

If there are massive meltdowns about it that don't calm, then yes a visit to the GP would be worth it to have a chat about neurodivergence etc, but definitely not the first port of call.

Buy her a lovely scrap book that she can decorate and cover in stickers etc. Print of the photographs and she has them altogether.

God, me too. Attachment to inanimate objects. It’s a curse that few ppl understand. You would not choose it if you had the option. I guess it falls into the OCD bracket. It’s amazing to hear similar stories from other people 🥲 tho obviously shit that they have experienced it too.

Be grateful if you have never had this, it isn’t as easy as “just stop doing it”, everyone who has, or has had this wishes they didn’t ‘need’ to do it. Definitely psychological.

I think it's really unfair to throw away her things without her knowing. Wanting to hold on to books and artworks she's proud of is hardly weird. Neither is being attached to a stuffed toy.

Of course she needs to learn to let things go but you can't throw away precious things behind her back.

Maybe you can sit down with her and explain that you need to make some space and that some things are going to have to go. Tell her they can be photographed or catalogued in some way, but they need to go. You can start with things that might be easier for her, e.g. clothes that don't fit, toys that she no longer plays with. Obviously you don't throw away books. Artworks maybe can be sorted through and she can keep the ones she really loves, maybe in frames on the wall. Photograph the rest and let them go, or if she really doesn't want to do that, maybe get some big folders to put them in so they can be stored away.

If you can show her that giving unused toys and clothes away is helpful to other children, that might motivate her. Show her that objects can continue to have a life beyond her room.

Have you tried watching the Stacy bbc ‘sort your life out’ with her? My 9 year old likes watching it. Pick the episode carefully.
Do suggest photographing art and creating an album folder on a computer or even printed photobook.

One of my dc struggles with getting rid of things. What works for us is having a "trial separation" where we put things in the loft for 6 months. If she misses them, she can have them back, but she almost never does.

It also helps her a lot to talk in terms of toys and clothes going to a charity shop for other dc to other. She really over empathises with items and gets upset about the idea of them not being cared for.

I have often wondered this. My son is 25 and won’t throw anything away, toys from childhood, boxes etc.. I don’t think he’s autistic but he does have some traits and this must be one of them.

My kids are the same and in really surprised by the responses on here too what is a common reaction for kids. There's even a bluey episode about it.

We do gradual and subtle culls, so usually into a box first. Gosh, if I was thinking about getting counselling for my kids, their over sentimentality when it came to objects would be pretty low down the list.

I still have under my bed five box of memorabilia from my childhood.

One thing that I remember doing is taking a photo of an item so you are keeping the memory. Another thing is just buying and owning less stuff.

DD has always been like this. 17 now and diagnosed with autism. Her room is a health hazard. It's so cluttered it's impossible to clean it.

Some of the comments on this thread are really harsh, all I will say is that those memories of toys chucked without consent last in to adulthood. Interesting how so many are saying just chuck it, it's normal for kids to cry. Then others wondering if she feels this way due to trauma.

I have an awful lot of stuff, my parents were the same and my DD is a little like the OP's DD. I am AuDHD and have always had strange attachments to inanimate objects, various collections on the go. For me, I found that stuff more reliable than my friendships as a child. I'm not sure if it's the neurodivergence or the role modeling on our family, maybe a bit of both. My parents actually kept a lot of our childhood toys and it's been nice to see them again, things like Lego, Duplo, sylvanians and Playmobil are just lovely things. There is a balance though and that's what I try and do with my DD, she no longer keeps everything.

Personally, I think keeping certificates and a selection of art work (maybe not all, take pics) is fine. It's ok to have a few collections if stored well, having a collection of favourite books is great (keeping a few old faves from.when she was younger is fine as long as it's getting in to more age appropriate too). It is nice to have memories attached to certain things and remember who bought them for you and it's understandable if she wants to keep the special ones. But then it's also nice to pass some less special ones on, or sell, to someone else who would love them just as much. Maybe that item would be happier being loved (fully aware that they don't have feelings but that's not how kids always think).

Never throw things away without asking her. That will make her much more anxious and make her want to keep track of everything. and she won’t trust you.

you have to help her make decisions for herself, not decide for her.

Sounds like my daughter. After many months of trying to get her to tidy her room, I bought packing boxes and basically tipped the contents of the room in to them put them all downstairs and told her to pick out onny what she treasures to go back upstairs. The rest is going to the tip. This is the only way we can sort it.

I don't know why you're getting such dramatic responses on her OP. It seems fairly normal to me. I have a 6 and 9 year old who won't let me throw anything out. No trauma in their lives. They just love stuff and don't have the maturity to care about tidiness etc. I do throw art work, toys etc out but they get upset/annoyed with me, especially my 6 year old. Neither will let me get rid of their teddies and there are so many of them though they do play with them. I would just try and get rid of little bits and pieces at a time. Tell her you are putting them in the attic and hope in a while she forgets and you can donate some of her toys. Maybe put some of her clothes on vinted and explain that she can buy new things with the money made.

What are you doing? My children would never knowingly part with anything. Which is why as a parent I quietly thin things out on a rolling basis. Why have you indulged this for 10 years? Quietly go into her room and get rid of the tat. Put it in a bin liner and put it in the shed. If she hasn't spotted it in a week. It's gone. Children like to hoard, it's our job to make sure they don't.

Just to say, the culling I do is quite mild. My youngest even refuses to throw away used plasters and bandages (she has a lot of hospital so there are quite a lot.) So those get discreetly disposed of, as do some pieces of art that I know she'll never miss (never been wrong yet), and things like toys get put in a box before being moved on a while later if not asked for. She's had enough other difficulties that I'm happy to go at her pace.

It could be depression. I was like that. I even saved a bit of everything I ate (and hid it under the bed) as I couldn't bear for it not to exist anymore. I had an overwhelming sense of desolation and loss. I had never suffered any loss or trauma.

I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with your DD; it may be that the only issues are (1) she has far too many things in her room and needs help paring down to the items she actually uses plus a reasonable number of sentimental and decorative things and (2) you have limited storage space, which puts pressure on your whole household to get rid of things permanently rather than putting them away for a while to see if they're genuinely needed/wanted.

I wouldn't ask DD to throw out things she's made or certificates she has received (assuming you mean awards or similar). I'd start with outgrown clothes, for example, which she obviously can't use again or baby toys that don't have huge significance. Is there any way you can keep those things somewhere where they're not beyond reach but they're also out of sight - perhaps a small temporary public storage space if you can afford it, or a friend or family member's basement, attic, etc? If she goes for a period of time without the item and not missing it, she may be more likely to let it go. It also may be traumatic for her to "choose" items to part with in which case she needs help kind of triaging and understanding the difference between, say, her teddy bear and some random generic baby blocks she no longer plays with.

Bin the lot she will get over it

Oh my God this! Books are NEVER clutter and this is fact.

Exactly. Counciling for what?

Will she part with things if you take a photo of them before they go? That way she’ll remember things she’s had even if the physical thing is no longer there.

You could even print a photo picture book of her old toys and art and things she’s made.

I honestly think part of this could just be age, my older kids are far more discerning now in what they decide to keep. What helped was talking to them about what they really loved and telling them to help tidy it so they had easy access to it. Bit by bit we snuck out the toys they’d definitely never go near. They have a nice mix now, we didn’t throw out tons but made the room a lot more manageable

eta make sure you don’t go to town on her art etc too much, people on mn talk about decluttering and I wonder to they keep any old projects, drawings etc, I love looking at some of my old comics, book reports, drawings and projects with the kids!!!