To think some children are just wired to need / want screen time

[Gagamama2]

All my children’s childhood we have limited screen time. They are generally not allowed any on school weekdays (my partner put this in place years ago and gets angry if I relent). They are allowed it on Saturday and Sunday mornings, and holiday mornings, although partner is always unhappy about this and would like to restrict furthur.

Kids are 10, 8 and 6.

It often causes a lot of grief / anger / upset for 10 and 6 who are both boys undergoing assessment for adhd. They often get upset after school that they aren’t allowed any, and when they are allowed they find it hard to come off. This means they regularly have much too much screen time at the weekend as the fall out of them having to come off the screens is big.

My daughter who is 8 is different. She will happily choose other things to do, even if it is a screen time “time”. What prompted my post is that she has spent this morning reading a graphic novel about dragons, and is now singing along at top volume to the greatest showman soundtrack on Alexa, all of her own accord while her brothers are on screens. She just isn’t that bothered. I was the same compared to my brother who spent most of his childhood playing on either our Amiga or his best friends Amiga 😂.

my brother is now a functional adult - much more functional than me, in fact. He has a very good job, although I do look at him sometimes and wonder if he is ND. My point is the screen time didn’t hold him back.

are we unreasonable limiting children’s screen times (as long as it’s not impacting on school work and friendships etc)? Maybe it’s not actually helpful for some children

This! And the amount of screen time kids have these days is bloody insane. My son is in year2 - half of the boys in his class are like zombies, only talking about Roblox or Minecraft. They don't want to play, they don't want go to the park. It's very sad.

I know mum who takes her laptop to the park that her son could play as it's the only way to take 8 year old outside.

I am a firm believer in it's less about the scrren time but more about what the screen time consists of.
myo older DS loves playing very complex games in his computer. He is currently playing a game that is set in space and is having to do research into physics to calculate landing trajctories for spacecraft (he's a humanities student!). He also likes playing very complex WWII games online, these are so complex he doesn't seem to have any local friends who do them but connects with people over the world, including a very senior guy in the Canadian army who's given him some great career advice !
my point is that my nerdy son has always loved this kind of thing and I have honestly encouraged it because it's the sort of stuff that is hard to do locally or on a piece of paper. He is a confident chatty sporty kid outside of this and I never let him play late in the evening etc but I also didn't see it as all bad.
When my DS were both younger we used to play together Wii or Minecraft or whatnot, and it was a fun bonding experience for us all.
I don't personally think screens are the enemy. It can be positive, but, as with everything there is a balance. If your DS are doing plenty of other stuff off screen then I wouldn't worry too much

My DS is a shy kid, likely ND and has always been hooked on screens. If it's not you tube it's Minecraft or Roblox etc. He does have a few other interests but none so much as screens. I hate the you tube but fine with the games. The restrictions become trickier as they enter high school as we have found that a lot of homework requires access to a computer, the internet, email etc. It is the way of the modern world and it has it's pros and cons, but on balance, it is a transition that I think they need gearing up towards work and FE.

The issue with coming off them is likely an issue with transitions. It doesn't mean they are spoilt, it just means you and they need to have a better understanding of how to manage the transition eg can you come off at the end of that video, or I need you to come off in the next 10 mins are things that have worked for us. My kids are now pretty good at realising that is not a good time to start another and it's fair. The other way you can do it is have the tech to be able to turn the internet off on the device after a certain period of time or at a certain time and have them know that this will happen. Now my DS is older he has a little more flexibility, but my advisory to him is regulate yourself or I will need to regulate it for you.

My DD flip flops between a million different activities. She likes screens and can spend a while enjoying a bit of downtime on them, but I think she genuinely seeks variety for her dopamine and doesn't need that sameness. She's crafting, singing, role playing, playing with toys. Multiple hobbies and interests and a need to move, very different from my DS. I don't really restrict her screen time now because it is honestly never been an issue.

When I was a kid, I quite liked computer games but it was really limited because gaming was quite different. But I could easily read book after book. Till 2am with a torch if I thought I'd get away with it. Me and my DS are quite similar people in many ways, it just looks different

Girls are very different to boys. My boys never had the slightest bit of interest in colouring, crafts, singing (they do love reading and they love a screen). We balance out screens by being out and about at the weekend, long walks, lots of fresh air. Do you get outside lots at the weekend?

For us, i’d rather the kids chilled out on screens or tv after school as they’ve had a really busy day (neither child has access to phones etc in school hours so they are only on screens at school if its part of the lesson) and get them out at the weekend more.

No they are not wired to need screens. My grandparents generation didn't even know what screens where. No TV and went to the cinemas about twice a year. In the grand scheme of things that wasn't that long ago. It's learnt behaviour

We try (not always successfully) to limit screen time. No screens before school, only probably 30 mins after school (mainly due to activities). Weekends we have them turn them off at certain points.
Anyways I now feel that schools are not helping with this. My 5 year olds homework is numbots which she has to do on her tablet. School has asked for her to go on at least 5 days a week.

Yep, that was my childhood (90's). I definitely spent most, though not all, of my time playing in the garden or reading and remember it as a very happy childhood.

My childhood wasn't the best but I also spent most of my time either reading (especially Enid Blyton!) or playing down a local field. That's all I did and I was never bored.

Got to love a bit of Enid Blyton!

Big surprise your kids who are addicted to screens are now being assessed for SEN. God this generation has been failed.

Get a balance.
I took my kids phones/devices off them at night.
My daughter was a phenomenal reader & only needed limited screen time.
Son loved devices & watched ‘how to’ YouTube videos.
I stopped taking the devices off my son during COVID when his sister was at uni, he was GCSE year
Having taught himself, he was up half the night writing 3D codes for gamers in USA and earning £200 at a time.
He’s 20 now, earns a six figure sum and travels the world writing code for AI.
Not everything about devices is wrong.
How about 30mins each evening before dinner and an hour Saturday & Sunday morning & maybe again Saturday & Sunday afternoon, but they have to do other activities around computer time.
I found that kids that had no access to sweets, computers, tv etc, went into fixation mode when they were exposed to them.
A kid who visited us who didn’t get sweets, filled her pockets when we had dishes of them out.
A kid whose family didn’t have a tv, just wanted to sit in front of ours when he visited.
Moderation is key!

Research it … screen time is more addictive for boys that it is girls due to chemical differences in the brain.
No it’s not good for them and ND isn’t an excuse for additional screen time … what would you do if it didn’t exist? They only know it’s an option and you let them have it in the first place, the more you give them the more they will want … it will
never be enough.

Yes. It’s the thing now to have some form of ND!

No it isn’t … he’s 8, tell him he’s going to the park! Who takes a laptop to the park to appease an 8 year old??? Lazy parenting … scared to discipline her own child!!

My kids aren’t “addicted to screens”. Like I said in my original post, they don’t have them Monday to Friday so how is this being addicted?? Two of them make a fuss about coming off them when they are allowed them at the weekend, they also seem calm on them and to be honest kind of happier/ more regulated than after school on weekdays when they are tired but aren’t allowed them. My daughter doesn’t care either way despite being allowed on them the same hours as the boys. That’s why I’m questioning if it’s good to restrict the boys this much, as it does cause extra work for me and extra angst in the house constantly telling them “no” when actually they are calm when they are playing their Switch or watching a film.

🤣🤣🤣 pretty sure that why most people stick their kids in front of a screen … “to keep them quite and make their lives easier” 🙄

But now there are very few places where kids are allowed to go and play on fields by themselves, especially for those in primary. The world has sadly changed in this respect.

I don't know if it's just where I live but play dates and knocking on for mates seem less casual and less accepted too.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not an advocate for unlimited screens, especially not for primary aged kids, but they do need stuff to do and it seems that parents are often very involved now, where that wouldn't have been the same in the 80s/90s

Or because our kids loving gaming? Mine love gaming, love computers, eldest already looking at Uni’s (several years away from needing to think about it) and a Computer Science degree. I loved gaming in the 90’s (pretty sure if our parents were busy doing weekend jobs, we played lots on our nintendo’s). We also played outside and did lots of walks. It sounds like OP is trying to find a balance but is struggling to work out what suits her kids best.

Mine will also happily go on an all day walk at the weekend, love being outside, love days out, absolutely love books. You can have both and you can find a good balance.

The judgey/screen free/phone free parents will be the ones who’s kids are watching other kids phones on school bus or playing on friends games consoles when they go round their friends houses.

Balance is the key to most aspects of good parenting 👍🏻

What about their poor teachers who can't just plonk a screen in front of them to calm them down? If they're being assessed for ADHD I assume it's because they're already showing behaviour problems at school-big surprise there. If your daughter who doesn't care about screens is fine it really looks like the screens are the culprit so yes obviously they are detrimental and you should restrict them (even more than you have been doing) I'm with your partner on this.

OP, have you tried a set amount of time after school (for example an hour or so when they come home before dinner/bath/homework). Kids are allowed to chill out (you wouldn’t know from Mumsnet sometimes), but kids are allowed to flop on the sofa after an exhausting and busy day at school. We did it every day in the 90’s after school (very fit family/love being outdoors/watched loads of tv after school). Having a play on the ipad has replaced tv for alot of kids these days.

At the weekends, what about getting out and about as much as you can and then saying they can have a go on them at the end of the day (for example from 3pm-5pm - obviously just a suggestion and that might not suit your family weekend plans) but before dinner, bath, bed etc. How about a chart on the wall which says when they can play that day?

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with the problem here really.

Not only do parents now have children who know all about screens / many would choose screens over anything else…but there are also less alternatives to send your children in the direction of.

i grew up in the 90s, there were about 15 kids living in my road and most played out in the road and the back fields each day, plus all day at weekends. From age 11, 3 of us biked to a local stable and worked there on Saturdays, we did paper rounds, we built fires in the woods and generally had a lot of freedom. This was semi rural, same as I live in now with my kids.

by comparison, my 10 year old is the only kid allowed to walk 5 mins through the village and call on others. Weekdays no one is free as they are all either at after school clubs until late, or are having “rest days” as their parents put it and aren’t allowed out. Same story when trying to organise play dates for the 8 and 6 year olds. During school holidays, they are abroad with family, then in sport or activity camps.

I would absolutely love my kids to be off playing out somewhere and not bugging me to go on a screen. As it is, once they are bored of playing solo I have to make the fun for them - fine when I have time, but stressful when I’m trying to get stuff done, especially with three of them. My daughter less so than the boys who are rubbish at playing by themselves and who end up fighting when told to play with each other. They are super sociable and would much prefer to be playing out with friends, and while we do get out of the house on weekends I also have lots of other stuff I need to get done. I would LOVE it if my kids could be dropped into my 90s childhood, and so would they I think

Do you need to be this rude to make yourself feel better??

I take it your kids have less than than the 6 hours screen time a week mine have given your comments, congratulations Super Mom.

Hope you feel a bit better now.

@Gagamama2 I'll take it as a yes that they have behaviour problems at school then.

Well clearly yes they do or they wouldn’t be being assessed would they.

Had never even considered the 6 hours of screen time a week is what’s giving my kids ADHD. I’ll be sure to mention it to their teachers and the GP.

I think actually the problem here - and the cause of much of the upset - is that they’re getting mixed messages from their parents. You say your husband gets angry when you relent which means they know you’re the softer touch and that if they are super annoying, you might ‘relent’. It’s really hard to parent effectively if you aren’t in agreement. Parents come to many different decisions on screens and there’s a huge range of decent options, but if you and your husband disagree then any rules will fail.

In your case though I think you might want to consider reversing it - one hour a day might fit between your two options better than none for 5 days and too much on 2 days.

Out of curiosity is it you or your husband who is parenting after school? Has he decided unilaterally that screens can be used on weekends when he’s there but not weekdays when he’s safely elsewhere?