A surprise that I don't want!

[ElatedPanda]

I'm at the age where I've discovered that I don't like being in large groups and standing for a long time panics me as I've had times where I've felt faint, so will now avoid large crowds. Last year I had a chance to go to some mini festivals, but decided quite close that to the time that I really couldn't do it. I felt anxious at the thought of being in a crowd. Being pushed and shoved. I've discussed this this with DH. He hasn't listened and has now 'surprised' me and bought tickets to a big concert in a big city. TBH it's not a band I'm really keen on, but we are going with a group of friends. I said that I hoped we had seats, he explained we are right in the middle, standing. When I explained that I don't like doing that, he has said I'm ungrateful. TBH he doesn't show much empathy at my age with certain symptoms of peri-menopause showing anyway, and I feel caught in a position now. I will have this worry for the next few months leading up to the concert. But I can't seem to get across how anxious this is making me feel.

Do you think he kept it a surprise because he knew you wouldn’t like this? Sounds like he bought a present for himself.

Don’t entertain it - tell him to sell your ticket.

It isn’t a gift for you if you don’t want to go!

Say firmly "I don't want to go so I am not going and that's that".
Don't mention it again unless he says something about it and respond every time with "I told you I am not going".

Ask him questions e.g. 'why did you buy me a ticket to something I've explained I wouldn't enjoy?'

I couldn’t be with somebody who displayed such little empathy for me. I hope this is the only red flag in your relationship.

Also when you say I will have this worry for the next few months leading up to the concert - no you won't, because you don't have to go.

This is such a tone deaf present that it almost comes over as though he has done this to deliberately upset you OP.

What does he not like doing? Do the same for his birthday……Romantic movies? Buy him a ticket to a romantic move. Cooking? Buy him a gift to attend a cooking class. Heights? Buy him a parachute jump from an aeroplane

I wouldn't go. I don't have any particular thing about crowds though I don't really enjoy them. I wouldn't enjoy being in the middle standing rather than having a seat. Does he ignore your views and wishes on a regular basis? It sounds very much like something he would enjoy. There are people who tend to give gifts they would like rather than thinking of the recipient. I still remember the ex who gave me a print he particularly liked - when we broke up, I just left it under cover beside his front door. It's probably still hanging in his hallway!

You may want to look into CBT - maybe it might help with your anxiety in crowded places.

But you don’t HAVE to go to this concert.

(Tell him you’d rather go to the local symphony for some Beethoven…)

I would respond to the ungrateful comment with something along the lines of "Well, no. Why would I be grateful for a ticket to do something I've told you several times I don't like?"

Take your tickets and sell them. Buy yourself something you like , then tou can tel your husband thank you for the birthday gift.

Are all the friends supposed to be grateful for these tickets too, or is it just you that has to have it for their birthday?

I agree that he’s bought that for himself. Just say you’re not going, end of.

Buy him tickets to something you like and then tell him he is ungrateful if he says anything…..

I’d be a lot less calm than you… I’m 43 and the idea of listening to a band I don’t like standing the whole time sounds like hell!! He bought himself a present and expects you to be grateful

DH loves standing tickets but understands that I hate them. We buy seats. You don't have to go.

While I agree with the general comments about it sounding very selfish of him, if you have standing tickets then you at least have freedom to move around and stand at the edge. No need to be right in the middle. So if it’s with a group of friends who you would normally enjoy spending time with then it may still be a nice day out and hopefully at least one of them would stand with you in a quieter spot if it got too much. If it’s BST Hyde park or similar we have taken picnic blankets and made a nice space around us so you don’t get pushed around.

I think you’ve posted on the wrong thread - did you mean the one where the DD is boyfriend are being cheeky about rules in op’s home

Just say you're not going. He can't make you. I have started doing this more and more as I've gotten older. One thing that altered for me was thinking about the discomfort of standing up for myself/disappointing someone versus the discomfort of actually doing the activity. Yes he'll be annoyed but doing something you hate will be far more unpleasant so it's worth being firm.

I have posted in wrong thread, whoops! Have reported!

Just say that you've had a think about it and whilst you appreciate the gesture, it's really not something you want to do, but you have no issue with him going.

Tell him you'll only go if you can sit on his shoulders during the concert, like the woman in the TENA advert 🙂

I don't have experience of this but if you have standing tickets surely you can't be forced to be ' in the middle ' ?? Can you not stand nearer to the side / edge of the crowd ? In any case, you are an adult, if you don't want to go just say so and don't go.

Just tell him you are not going and he knows why. There's not really any discussion here.

Ignore him and tell him to sell your ticket. It’s important you listen to yourself, your body’s changing. I’m going through the same thing too, I’m perimenopausal. I Suddenly hate busy places, driving far and heights! At one point my husband was obsessed with long walks up hills/mountains. I’d go so far and sit down while he went to the top because of the heights thing. He thought I’d get “over it!” Now I refuse to go with him because it’s silly and not something I’d do to others!