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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A surprise that I don't want!

78 replies

ElatedPanda · 10/01/2026 05:09

I'm at the age where I've discovered that I don't like being in large groups and standing for a long time panics me as I've had times where I've felt faint, so will now avoid large crowds. Last year I had a chance to go to some mini festivals, but decided quite close that to the time that I really couldn't do it. I felt anxious at the thought of being in a crowd. Being pushed and shoved. I've discussed this this with DH. He hasn't listened and has now 'surprised' me and bought tickets to a big concert in a big city. TBH it's not a band I'm really keen on, but we are going with a group of friends. I said that I hoped we had seats, he explained we are right in the middle, standing. When I explained that I don't like doing that, he has said I'm ungrateful. TBH he doesn't show much empathy at my age with certain symptoms of peri-menopause showing anyway, and I feel caught in a position now. I will have this worry for the next few months leading up to the concert. But I can't seem to get across how anxious this is making me feel.

OP posts:
BigMommasHouse · 10/01/2026 07:54

He bought a present for himself now he is trying to say that it is a surprise for you. Tell him that he clearly didn’t listen when you perviously communicated that you dislike such events. Buying someone a thing that they have told you they dislike is disrespectful. Going on to tell them that they are ungrateful when you have bought them a thing that you know they dislike is abusive.

MadamCholetsbonnet · 10/01/2026 07:55

It’s a present for him, not you!!!

Lolamills · 10/01/2026 08:03

I think you’re within your rights to say you aren’t going. My husband struggles with crowds and for that reason if we do see a band, we make sure there’s an option for seated. However next year we are seeing an artist and it’s standing only, but they have a quieter area with limited people allowed in and we’re going to give that a try and have booked into that area (as it’s his all time favourite artist) otherwise I wouldn’t have even considered going. Your husband needs to get on board and understand how this makes you feel.

Catwalking · 10/01/2026 08:04

Very sorry you’re feeling so anxious about this.
I suggest don’t say anything more to H about this event.
Be poorly on the day & stay home, or go see something else (alone or with friends /relatives) that you can enjoy. I hope you have a delightful relaxing birthday 💐.

Inthebleakmidwinter1 · 10/01/2026 08:05

I’m the same. If I stand for too long my ears and vision start to go wierd and if I don’t take action I pass out. I’ve no idea why it happens but it’s a terrifying thought in a crowd. I hate the modern way to do music where you just have to stand for hours before the band you came to see even comes on. I also need the loo quite regularly so that’s another thing. Ad a result I never go to concerts

user1476613140 · 10/01/2026 08:06

Don't tell me you're all right in the mosh pit?!

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/01/2026 08:07

Even if you go can’t you just stand at the back where you won’t get pushed and shoved?

MadamCholetsbonnet · 10/01/2026 08:08

Seriously, you don’t have to go.

MaryBeardsShoes · 10/01/2026 08:12

Perhaps I’m being dim but I can’t see where it says it was a present for OP. It was a just a surprise ticket. I don’t know, I’d suck it up for one night and go and have some fun with my friends, even if it wasn’t 100% to my taste.

But if you don’t want to go, then don’t. You should get help on your anxiety because it’s no fun to live with it.

Twiglets1 · 10/01/2026 08:12

Just be very clear from the outset: large groups are not something you enjoy and you won’t be going. He needs to find someone else to offer the ticket to or sell it.

Winter2020 · 10/01/2026 08:22

I would just tell your husband to invite a friend as you won't be going.

PollyBell · 10/01/2026 08:24

MadamCholetsbonnet · 10/01/2026 07:55

It’s a present for him, not you!!!

Was it a present for either of them or just something planned?

If my husband brings home a bottle of wine from work it is not a present for either of us just some thing

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/01/2026 08:31

I agree with getting him to sell the other ticket.

There’s no way I’d go to anything that meant standing for a long time. Dh has been to a couple of such events - e.g. in Hyde Park - on his own, and is quite happy to do so.
TBH I hate crowds anywhere now.

Sanasaaa · 10/01/2026 08:35

BigMommasHouse · 10/01/2026 07:54

He bought a present for himself now he is trying to say that it is a surprise for you. Tell him that he clearly didn’t listen when you perviously communicated that you dislike such events. Buying someone a thing that they have told you they dislike is disrespectful. Going on to tell them that they are ungrateful when you have bought them a thing that you know they dislike is abusive.

This.

Correct him, tell him he doesn't get to demand gratefulness for deliberately causing upset. And that he is to sell your ticket.

Patchouli17 · 10/01/2026 08:35

There's no need to be anxious, just don't go.

Not going is win-win. You don't have to worry about it, and it will finally make him take you seriously, and he won't buy you a surprise you don't want again.

If you complain but then go, he won't take you seriously.

Original poster
ElatedPanda · 10/01/2026 08:38

Thanks for your advice everyone. I think that he just sees my nervousness as something I can just get over. I will definitely mention to him about if I bought him a skydiving trip, how he would feel. as he doesn't like heights.

OP posts:
2dogsandabudgie · 10/01/2026 08:44

MarshaMarshaMarsha · 10/01/2026 06:53

While I agree with the general comments about it sounding very selfish of him, if you have standing tickets then you at least have freedom to move around and stand at the edge. No need to be right in the middle. So if it’s with a group of friends who you would normally enjoy spending time with then it may still be a nice day out and hopefully at least one of them would stand with you in a quieter spot if it got too much. If it’s BST Hyde park or similar we have taken picnic blankets and made a nice space around us so you don’t get pushed around.

I agree with this, you don't have to be right in the middle, you don't get allocated a place to stand so you can stand anywhere. However unless this is your favourite band it isn't really a present for you.

Onemorechristmas · 10/01/2026 08:44

Enrichetta · 10/01/2026 05:34

You may want to look into CBT - maybe it might help with your anxiety in crowded places.

But you don’t HAVE to go to this concert.

(Tell him you’d rather go to the local symphony for some Beethoven…)

I actually think anxiety in crowded places can be an appropriate response to a potentially dangerous situation. Most of the time they’re fine but large crowds can also be dangerous

ANiceCuppaTeaandBiscuit · 10/01/2026 08:47

If he simply doesn’t understand and you can’t get through to him then I would be planning a migraine, a positive Covid test, anything, and just not go on the day. Then relax safe in the knowledge you have no intention of going.

EverythingGolden · 10/01/2026 08:49

He obviously ‘surprised’ you because he knew you’d say no otherwise. Just tell him you’re not going, he can go by himself. Or as pp have said go and stand at the side or sit in the bar. If it’s a standing ticket you can go wherever you like you don’t have to go in the crowd if you don’t want to.

user1476613140 · 10/01/2026 08:50

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/01/2026 08:31

I agree with getting him to sell the other ticket.

There’s no way I’d go to anything that meant standing for a long time. Dh has been to a couple of such events - e.g. in Hyde Park - on his own, and is quite happy to do so.
TBH I hate crowds anywhere now.

Same, can't stand crowds.

euff · 10/01/2026 08:55

He hasn't listened and has now 'surprised' me and bought tickets to a big concert in a big city.

TBH it's not a band I'm really keen on,

When I explained that I don't like doing that, he has said I'm being ungrateful.

Not sure what you are supposed to be grateful for? You don’t like crowded events and you don’t even like the band so he can’t even think you might try get ‘past’ it to see them. This was for him. Tell him to sell/ give it to another friend.

AcornTort · 10/01/2026 08:59

Just want to flag there might be a medical reason for this...If you've been struggling to stand for long periods of time and feeling faint , please read up on Postural Othostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS). It can cause the symptoms you've described including developing anxiety in response to standing.

And I'm sorry this has happened. How unsupportive of your partner

99bottlesofkombucha · 10/01/2026 08:59

ElatedPanda · 10/01/2026 08:38

Thanks for your advice everyone. I think that he just sees my nervousness as something I can just get over. I will definitely mention to him about if I bought him a skydiving trip, how he would feel. as he doesn't like heights.

Not how about- say you have -‘ I’ve bought you a sky diving experience’
what do you mean you won’t enjoy it? It’s just anxiety and I know you have strong views that people should just work through that, like me and crowds.

Holidaytrees · 10/01/2026 09:00

Tell him he has treated himself to tickets and it’s a hard no from you.

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