Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

A surprise that I don't want!

78 replies

ElatedPanda · 10/01/2026 05:09

I'm at the age where I've discovered that I don't like being in large groups and standing for a long time panics me as I've had times where I've felt faint, so will now avoid large crowds. Last year I had a chance to go to some mini festivals, but decided quite close that to the time that I really couldn't do it. I felt anxious at the thought of being in a crowd. Being pushed and shoved. I've discussed this this with DH. He hasn't listened and has now 'surprised' me and bought tickets to a big concert in a big city. TBH it's not a band I'm really keen on, but we are going with a group of friends. I said that I hoped we had seats, he explained we are right in the middle, standing. When I explained that I don't like doing that, he has said I'm ungrateful. TBH he doesn't show much empathy at my age with certain symptoms of peri-menopause showing anyway, and I feel caught in a position now. I will have this worry for the next few months leading up to the concert. But I can't seem to get across how anxious this is making me feel.

OP posts:

IsabellaGoodthing · 10/01/2026 09:03

OP, is it that you suffer from excessive anxiety or that you are reasonably worried about being put in this situation?
I can't stand still or sit uncomfortably for more than a few minutes without experiencing severe arthritic pain and dizziness . I would refuse to go to this concert, with thanks for the thought. It's miserable that your DP doesn't understand, but tge main thing is that you remain firm. He will get the message eventually.
I am sad at the moment at refusing to go with DH on several trips and holidays he would love . But I have to because my pain and dizziness would make the travel unpleasant for both of us. That's life sometimes. Perhaps there is some treatment that will help your faintness? But anyway you can refuse because you don't want to stand up all that time.

Nanny0gg · 10/01/2026 09:29

jetlag92 · 10/01/2026 07:17

Just say that you've had a think about it and whilst you appreciate the gesture, it's really not something you want to do, but you have no issue with him going.

Why would she appreciate a thoughtless gesture?

Why does she need to appease him?

PepsiBook · 10/01/2026 09:36

You're not being ungrateful.
You'd already spoken with him about your feelings on that and he's booked it anyway. Sounds like he would like it?!
The feeling faint when standing - have you researched/heard of POTS? This is a major symptom of it.

researchers3 · 10/01/2026 09:57

ConcernedOfClapham · 10/01/2026 05:17

I couldn’t be with somebody who displayed such little empathy for me. I hope this is the only red flag in your relationship.

It won't be.

herbetta · 10/01/2026 10:03

Don't ask him - buy him one!

Treebaubles · 10/01/2026 10:05

I also would hate to be “surprised” like that. My DH hinted he was getting me a surprise for Christmas and I said no thanks, I’ll have vouchers for a salon. The surprise was a murder mystery weekend for us, which, tbf, I would like to do but that’s a present for him also!
But…..what are you doing for your perimenopause symptoms? Have you been to see about getting HRT? Or can’t you have it?

Zov · 10/01/2026 10:12

Urgh that's shite, I would hate this too. I like concerts and shows, but I need them to be within 25 miles - preferably somewhere where it's easy to drive to and from, (as public transport is sparse up here, no train station for 20 miles,) and I must have a seat at the concert/show! Even when I was in my 20s I preferred a seat. I can't be doing with standing for multiple hours, getting pushed and shoved about. I never could.

I used to go to the NIA and MEN (Brum and Manchester) quite often with my DC when they were younger (both more than 20 miles at the time, but I didn't mind so much then,) and we always had seats. We saw 1000s of people in the standing area, and loads of them were getting pushed about, and shoved further back, and some were fainting and having to be carried out by friends or stewards or medics. It's no fun.

@ElatedPanda No advice sorry OP, just empathy/sympathy. Except you could say 'thanks for the thought but I'm not going. I can't stand up for hours and I don't even like the band. Ask someone else, and we'll go for a meal for my birthday...' Stand firm!

Flowerlovinglady · 10/01/2026 10:16

A standing single ticket can be easily sold. Tell him you are not going and that he should sell the ticket and then end the conversation. He might try to guilt trip you but don't get into it - it is not ungrateful or selfish or whatever to have a say on whether you attend a major event or not.

brightbevs · 10/01/2026 10:18

Why spend the next couple of months being stressed over something that you might pull out of last minute anyway? Just tell him you hope he has a wonderful time but you won’t be going.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 10/01/2026 10:19

You don't have to spend months feeling anxious - that's silly - just don't go. Why is that not an option?

IwishIcouldconfess · 10/01/2026 10:22

I had tickets for Oasis in the summer - my son got them in pre sale - I was dreading it - was frightened - didn't know what to wear - was so far out of my comfort zone it was untrue - I nearly gave them away but my son wanted me there - I went - was the best bloody night of my life!

Zov · 10/01/2026 10:23

IwishIcouldconfess · 10/01/2026 10:22

That's lovely, but that's not helping the OP.

LAMPS1 · 10/01/2026 10:25

Don’t waste your breath explaining and arguing why you won’t like it and how many times you’ve told him that already. Don’t beg for his understanding. He already knows and had probably already decided to use the ‘you are so ungrateful’ card if you complained …all designed to dominate you into submission and appear himself as the poor, misunderstood victim.

You need to state your case irrefutably one last time and then move on from it.

Tell your mates in the group that you won’t be joining them and why. Then…
Write in a lovely thank you type card to your husband saying “I have told our friends I won’t be using the concert ticket you gave me for my birthday. They understand my very valid reasons why. So this is just to confirm to you that I won’t be going and I don’t want to discuss it any further. I want you all to enjoy the concert but I will be doing xyz instead, as a treat to myself. Do whatever you like with the unwanted ticket. Love Panda”

TalulahJP · 10/01/2026 10:26

tell him that your in peri and that this is one of the things that happens.

that you know he actually wanted to see the band, and then thought you’d like to accompany him. that it’s really a gift for himself that you don’t actually want to go and really can face it sorry. that he should give the ticket to someone else or go alone. you will not change your mind.

that in future he should ask you about things first as crowds freak you out and you feel faint standing as you previously told him at length, so youre not the same as you used to be and it’s not your fault.

exhaustDAD · 10/01/2026 10:43

Right off the bat - the main problem is not that you got a gift that you do not want, happens at times. Your situation is a bit more sad, your own partner should know you enough, should pay attention enough to realise what a horrible idea that is to get tickets for someone like you. I sympahtise with you, really, I am late 30s, but I have never like concerts in my entire life, big cities or crowds, I go out of my way to avoid them altogether. Even as a green teenager I never went to crowded parties or got out to see bands for the same reason. Can't think of a worse time, really. So I totally feel for you.

I absolutely think you should not burden yourself for his inconsiderate gift. If it was someone who doesn't know how you feel about such things, it would be different, but your own DH makes it very sour. Be straightforward and just remind him that you talked about what things you hate, so you respectfully decline to go. He should definitely respect that. My wife is terrified of crawlies.. I don't surprise her with a pet tarantula, either..

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 10/01/2026 10:57

Of course YANBU and your DH just sounds like he hasn't really been listened. However, you do need to get help for this condition and to the extent you're not addressing it, YABU

Nevereatcardboard · 10/01/2026 11:00

I also hate crowded places where I feel trapped. Even when I am seated at a concert or performance, I need to be at the end of a row. Tell your DH that you won’t be going to the concert, so he either has to sell your ticket or find someone else to go with.

hourspassed · 10/01/2026 11:11

I would hate this too.

Just say you're not going. Tell him to find another friend to tag along.

Uhghg · 10/01/2026 11:31

Tell him you’re not going so he can either get a refund or invite someone else.

Make a suggestion on things you’d prefer to do instead.

Francestein · 10/01/2026 12:07

Also ask why he knowingly bought you a present for himself?

Disturbia81 · 10/01/2026 12:08

What stands out for me more is you say he doesn’t have empathy for you?

Delphiniumandlupins · 10/01/2026 12:20

If you are sure you don't want to go (and as others have said, with a standing ticket you can choose to stand at the side) then suggest he sells on your ticket and buys you something you would like (ticket(s) for the theatre/ballet/nice cinema). If he can't sell on the ticket he can give it away because you are not going. The money is already 'wasted'.

Zov · 10/01/2026 12:38

Francestein · 10/01/2026 12:07

Also ask why he knowingly bought you a present for himself?

Edited

This. ^ Ask him this @ElatedPanda

justsayitonemoretime · 10/01/2026 13:16

Yeah, your DH must really have wanted to go, didn't fancy going on his own, so has friends lined up to go with.
I would be extremely hurt OP.
As others have suggested, sell your ticket if you can, and get something for yourself that you do enjoy,
I feel really sad for you, I can just imagine how your DH's terrible discount of and disregard for your discomfort is making you feel right now.

KnowledgeableAvocado · 10/01/2026 13:39

I know exactly what you mean, age, crowds and standing for a time. I am perimenopausal and find I get bad anxiety. So it would be a no from me too. Have you tried ashwagandha? I find it helps take the edge off.

But also might be an idea to have a check up re the fainting.

Flip

1 2 3 4