DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

There’s no logic behind your sentimental whining Magic Mike. You’re not even very good at maths - paying off a mortgage with some pension is a dumbass financial move.

If he has some PTSD then take a year to get it treated. In which time it will be therapeutic to take over the running of the home: shopping, cooking, childcare, cleaning etc.

He’s not saying that though, he’s saying he doesn’t fancy working anymore and he’s not bright enough to have twigged he can’t afford to retire and neither have you.

My SIL was in the armed forces and she’s never made a fraction of a fuss about it.

But the plan is financially flawed. He’s proposing to put himself and his children into a position where they can’t afford to live in their home. His plan doesn’t make proper provision for his financial independence in his own retirement and significantly impacts on the family lifestyle. People are saying she should consider the age difference, but he also should have considered that when he decided to have children who would still be dependent when he’s in his mid fifties. They are married, and should be a team.

I like your post. It's well thought and has real experience and wisdom behind it.

We can't see our own experiences as the yard stick for others. I've dealt with issues that were shared by others and we all came out of them differently.

To respond to your other points I'll be simple in my response and thoughts.

If he refuses counseling after a real effort from the OP, then I agree he needs to sort himself out. If he does go to counseling and decides to not take a more proactive role in the child rearing and household chores, then the OP has some hard decisions to consider for the sake of herself and their children.

Exhaust all efforts to troubleshoot and repair what the OP has before she takes the advice of this thread's comments and discard him as horrible and useless.

I have also changed my mind OP, I thought it was fair to take a years sabbatical in exchange for paying off the mortgage, but if he refuses to do any childcare and you have to do it all whilst also working full time, I'm sorry but fuck that. Doing a bit of extra hoovering and cleaning is a piece of piss, childcare is actually where the hard work is, fuck that if you still have to do it all! What benefit is any of this to you?!

No extra time off and you literally have to use annual leave for childcare?! And also less money for treats or going away?! No sorry he can get fucked then! Selfish twat.

To your first point, that's not true though is it? The decrees in income doesn't mean they can't live there. It might just mean that they have to modify their current lifestyle to match their incomings and outgoings. A reduction in incomings does not equal a loss of everything.

And there is nothing that says he hasn't thought of their future. If anything, that's exactly what he has done.

This story has come to us in the middle of a great transition for everyone. The two primary factors that I see are the change in lifestyle due to the decreased income and individual family and parental responsibilities. Both are separate issues but inevitably intertwined.

They should consider his possible mental health, which should take front stage, if only to determine if he's unwell or just deciding to give up on everything.

Humans are complicated. Put a few in a box together and those complications multiply. It isn't a simple thing to live with another human. And it isn't good advice to ignore all of these complications and tell the OP simple answers that don't address the real issues.

@Mandemikc Can I ask why you care why I'm on Mumsnet?

Because I object to you labelling me emotional, illogical and driven by hormones because I'm female.

Trust me, none of that applies to me.

And you writing it is offensive, and I begin to suspect you quite enjoy offending a group of women who support women.

You make some good points about his need for support, but in making them you fail absolutely to acknowledge the harm he is doing to his family. Threads are about the OP who asked for advice. You seem to miss that point entirely.

Your presence as a man on Mumsnet is relevant not least because the site is predominantly female and in the main, concerns issues relevant to women. So in many ways it’s a safe space for women - many of whom are vulnerable and in DV situations - to get support and advice from other females. Many men do post here and are welcome, because in the main they are respectful and mindful that they are in a mainly female environment.

You however, have been combative and dismissive from the start. The end of your first post asserted that Men deserve better and it looks like this forum won't be the source of that.. Why would it be ? Women are not responsible for the mental health of adult men, any more than the reverse is true.

You then progressed to misogynistic language such as ‘The army of pitchfork wielding hate factories, and ‘the din of oestrogen laden bad advice’, telling us to stop emoting and start thinking, moving on to setting yourself up as the only source of logical debate here. And you really don’t see that you’re a misogynist ? Really ??

And all because we women dared to point out that the only person to benefit from this arrangement would be a man, at the expense of a woman. Of course his mental health plays a part. He’s clearly burnt out and needs to change jobs to remove the source of the stress. He can do that by sourcing alternative, less stressful employment before he takes the retirement package, so that he can contribute properly to their reduced outgoings. The plan is a bad one. If he can’t afford to do what he wants without placing all of the remaining burden on OP then he can’t afford to do it and they should both explore more sensible alternatives. That’s my Oestrogen Laden take on it, which l imagine you’ll now dismiss as emotive and lacking in critical thinking.

Police in the UK aren’t in the armed forces. Most don’t even carry guns (thankfully).

I stand by my comments. Women's issues are men's issues. Men's issues are women's issues. Hell, this whole thread is about a women's AND a man's issues. To exclude one is like excluding one half of your heart or one side of your mind. It makes no sense.

Mumsnet is as much a safe space for women as it is a toxic environment. I can say exactly the same thing for any male-based websites. There is no shortage of articles and writings that call out masculine BS where the primary audience are men. From the lude behaviour towards women to their disrespect for equality. Yes, those type of men are truly the minority, but they take up a majority of the airtime.

No, I am not a detriment to this thread or Mumsnet. What I am is a differing opinion that falls outside of the female mind think.

Amd to be clear, I stand by every word I used before, because they are accurate and factual. Give the OP solid advice to help her with her husband and family. Kicking him to the curb, divorce? All words used by women. The only person that I can see in these 33 pages that has mentioned mental health and consider it an important factor to consider, was me. How does that sit with you?

Anyone who was actually in the armed forces would know the police are a civilian not a military force.

So I’d take his tales of service with a packet of salt.

The decrease in income absolutely does mean they can’t afford to live there without OP shouldering the entire burden of ongoing expenses. DH isn’t modifying anything - it’s all on OP. She continues to work a 40 hour week, now with the added knowledge that if anything happens - illness, loss of her job - they will all be stuffed. There is no back up plan for emergencies or unforeseen expenditure.

You’re right that he’s thought of the future - his future. The reality is that he will be reducing their circumstances both now and when they reach retirement age by using up the bulk of his pension pot now, when it’s unnecessary and unwarranted. Age 55 with children in primary school is no time to be reducing your circumstances in this way - a responsible plan would be to secure alternative, less stressful employment before he takes the retirement package so that he can continue to support his family.

Your pompous, patronising and frankly ridiculous attempts to intellectualise the issues don’t change the reality, which is that the family simply can’t afford for him to follow this plan through. If you got down off your high horse and stopped assuming that your intelligence is superior to that of other contributors here, you might find that people respond to you better.

Nope😂 53 year old female with sore knees and tired from work.

It doesn’t sit with me at all because it’s not true. Posters, including myself, are taking his mental health into account. The difference is we’re not prioritising it above the well being of OP and the children involved. If you can’t find any mention of his mental health in 33 pages then l suggest you haven’t read properly. One thing l can guarantee though, is if you continue to post in this clearly misogynistic and dismissive way, you’re going to have many posts deleted. And the sooner the better. You may not think of yourself as detrimental to the thread, but you’re not exactly it’s biggest asset.

More bollocks.

If I were in this position and pissed off enough… I’d let him pay off the mortgage and then tell him I want a divorce.

I’d get half the house etc, possibly more as the children would be school age and resident. I’d have to downsize, but he’d be required to either cough up child maintenance and pay towards other child related expenses OR he’d have no choice but to step up and parent 50% of the time. Either way he doesn’t get to financially or emotionally check out of parenting.

Whenever I am pissed off at my DH, I am continually reminded in MN how bloody lucky I am to have him. I cannot understand men like this.

Has he FUCK done his bit!
He has done his bit at work but at home - he still has a family. What a lazy fucking entitled arse.
Ask him if, after his year off doing fuck all IF you then get a year off doing fuck all and he does EVERYTHING you do except your job???

I like the idea of divorce after he pays off the mortgage.
And all this talk of "his" and "your" money is bollocks if you are married - it is all YOUR-SHARED-COUPLE money. Not individual money.

How much is his pension per month that he intends to spend solely on himself?

Tbh I think he'd be happy to pay a few quid to go back to his child free bachelor status. He can do what he likes then and feel the brunt of his poor financial planning when he's 67.

we are in the exact same position slightly less of an age gap but hubby just withdrew his 25% and paid off the mortgage. The difference here is that everything is still 50/50 going forward and DH still wants to work (in our own company) so less of an issue. I think I would compromise with 6 months off and then he starts looking for work. But yes as he will be parent at home he takes over all of those jobs - you keep things that are hands off - so putting food orders in etc. Doesn't mean you can't have contact with the kids - you just will have less of the responsibilities like school runs, appts and so on

It’s true that they can’t stay in the family home unless the OP takes responsibility for all the expenses of running the family. Given they have dependent children that’s unacceptable. He doesn’t get to unilaterally determine that he’s contributed enough even though the costs are ongoing. He can plan to take early retirement from his current job and find a less stressful alternative. As a team he and his wife can plan what is financially feasible now and in retirement which will inform the decisions on the best use of his pension. Reducing lifestyle to support one partner’s mental or physical health is a joint decision.

Let him have his early retirement but it doesn't mean he'll be sitting at home chilling. It means he will have to do all the work at home if you're doing 40+ and overtime. Wouldn't you be doing it if it wasn't for him retiring? I'd imagine most of it would fall on you so make most of it now fall on him. Mad that people don't seem to immediately realise that's what should logically happen. I don't mean you, just in general.

The crux of the matter is that if he has to offload the entire financial load onto OP in order to put this plan in place, then he can’t afford to do it. That simple. Whether he takes on the load at home is immaterial. The ongoing ability to actually afford to live in the home he’s just paid off will be down to OP, with no safety net that’s been mentioned here. Not to mention the massively reduced circumstances he will be forcing on them both when it comes to retirement because his pension has been reduced to pin money because of the lump sum he took. It’s batshit.

You have 5 kids during any time where you might have felt your mental health was poor did you ever step away from parenting your kids? How involved are you as a father? How involved are you as a partner e.g. are you doing a relatively fair share of looking after and running of the household?

Would you be making a unilateral decision to just retire due to your poor mental health without discussing future plans with your partner?

I don't think I have seen anyone here say he shouldnt retire or leave his job or he shouldn't prioritise his mental health hell some have even said sure take a year off...OP is being supportive but at the same time when she has asked her OH of the future he has said he just wants to be a house husband but being one means doing more household stuff, which he isn't doing now and wont be doing either.

So like many of us we see the little flags thats says hang on your having your cake and eating it too.

He doesnt get to quit being a parent, most dads wish they could spend more time with their kids dont you agree? Surely now he has the opportunity to do this he is making it clear he doesnt want to. Surely if you wouldn't make your wife take annual leave to do school runs or kids related things if you were a house husband?

Problem is he’ll be taking OP with him and it will likely affect the kids too.

If she works for the year he has off to recharge and recover from job, then they regroup and he picks up some small PT enjoyable role and she reduces hours at work. So they are both rewire retirement and they can both still afford bills. Of course that’s the framework idea but they both need to work out if it’s feasible with actual sums etc.
the alternative is he fully retires whilst she works herself into an early grave and they get no retirement time together.