DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

I think this poster would do better on X.

Stop emoting and start thinking.
I'm trying to slow down the army of pitchfork wielding hate factories
the din of estrogen-laden bad advice

sounds like the sort of thing Andrew Tate says. We see you.

I understand the feelings of being jealous of the lie ins and bike rides and feeling like it's 'not fair' - but expecting someone else to be stressed and tired just because you are isn't very loving.

That said, I would expect my dh to pick up pretty much all of the life/house stuff, and for us to formally review the family financial and work/life balance situation every year.

He isn't paying off the mortgage with 'his' money though. It's money from his retirement pot, which presumably you would have shared in retirement. An alternative would be to not pay it off, and for him to find alternative work. What are the chances of him being able to walk into another job that commands a salary that means he can continue contributing £1000 to the joint household pot?

There it is. I'm a mysogynist. The go-to term for someone without an argument.

That doesn't work for me. You don't get to accuse and name-call someone and not face an appropriate response.

You argue like a child. You give bad advice like someone who ate the 4th wave cookie and went back for seconds. Stop the slander and focus on the OP and her situation and stop diminishing someone with a different voice than yours.

OP, talk with your husband. Insist that he seeks counseling. Not that's he's broken, but his patterns show a change that truly affects all of you. Those changes don't seem to be a viable long term, or even a short term solution. If you love him, and he's a good man, then be compassionate and understanding, even if he resists. This could take some time for him to come around

Tell him, that as a military vet of 2 wars, and military retiree myself, that seeing a counselor is amazing. You get to dump all of your garbage onto someone else, and they get paid for it!!! It will help.

Wait hang on you'd have to take annual leave for childcare? Why if he's at home?

Nah fuck that. You've got yourself another child there. Let him pay off the house the divorce the fucker... ;-)

Perfectly capable of thinking thanks - and critically at that. Maybe you should dial down the emotion for long enough to get off your testosterone fuelled high horse and do the same thing, because your grasp of the reality of the situation is tenuous to say the least, with just a touch of fantasy creeping in.

Tell him, that as a military vet of 2 wars, and military retiree myself,

And there it is. ‘Woman know your place’.

What are the chances of him being able to walk into another job that commands a salary that means he can continue contributing £1000 to the joint household pot?

That's far less than full time minimum wage take home pay, so excellent chance.

Tell him, that as a military vet of 2 wars, and military retiree myself, that seeing a counselor is amazing. You get to dump all of your garbage onto someone else, and they get paid for it!!! It will help.

He will have had counselling made availabile to him after every major incident he's ever attended. It will have been made mandatory if anyone was worried about his mental health.

I salute your service for our? country, but frankly your attitude on this thread stinks. You come onto a female biased forum and when we politely discuss your views you start chucking misogynistic terms about oestrogen levels and lack of thinking ability around.

Just listen to yourself, you are not, on this thread, presenting a great picture of ex soldiers' attitudes to women.

With a seven year age gap, presumably this would always happen at some point and he has worked more years than you.

I think it’s pretty fair to be honest as it is not putting you out financially.

It sounds like the decision to retire early hasn’t been well thought out, beyond retiring from his current role. The income needed at different phases of life needs to be explored to determine what income is needed now to deliver this.

Whilst no job is stress free, being a postman or stacking shelves in a supermarket is different to being a first responder. If a high stress role gets to much, taking retirement as soon as it’s an option might be wise, but that doesn’t mean retirement from all work is an option. Paying a mortgage off is great, but no mortgage does not mean there is sufficient money to have quality of life for 30 more years.

OP, I suggest you and your DH look beyond the benefit of having £900 extra per month (and less debt), to look at the monthly income needed throughout different phases of your lives.

Secondary school will likely be cheaper than primary (no after school club costs) but what about the uni phase - if your children end up going. What income will you need prior to state pension age and what level of income will you need after that. Life tends to be cheaper in your 80s than in your 70s, but heating a home is expensive. Is the plan to sell your house and buy a flat? Do you have hopes of having grandchildren to stay, and therefore want to stay in your house?

Hopefully, you and your DH have thought this through, but if not, I think this needs doing.

Spot on.

There’s also too much missing info. I’m not a pensions expert but I don’t understand how his lump sum can be enough to pay off a mortgage which is currently costing £900 per month to service, but his pension income would be pin money. Doesn’t matter anyway, it’s poor planning and monumentally selfish.

Oh stop it. Your language - which I referenced - evidences your misogyny. So no lack of argument. As for 'diminishing someone with a different voice from yours' that's what your posts have been doing. The outraged tone and pompous metaphors don't impress us. It's not slander if it's true! 😃

One point of agreement we have 😮 is that counselling is helpful. Perhaps OP and her husband should go for counselling to establish their respective ideas of what is fair and how to move forward.

And there it is, emotions over logic. At no point did your response opinion exist in the real world. You got it so wrong it's frankly embarrassing to see.

If he was a police officer then he was in the armed services, as I was. We see similar things, we deal with similar fallouts, both externally and internally. I wanted the OP, and her husband especially, to know that there are those like him that have found answers outside of their own thoughts.

You desperately need to rethink your simulated world where men are evil.

Oh please read the thread! It certainly is putting her out financially.

That's true.

And I've since clocked that he wants to retire and not pick up things like school run and childcare in the school holidays, so basically the OP needs to fire him into the sun.

I think the agreement needs to be that's it's a 12 month arrangement and he takes on jobs to offset the balance. He does school runs. he doesn't need to enjoy them but it's unfair he's lying in bed whilst you're getting kids up, fed, dressed, to school to then go to work to come out and do it all in reverse. He pick up the low level stuff - chucks a wash in before he goes cycling, washes up the pots before he does school run. he doesn't need to be scrubbing floors 9-4 but he does need to lessen your load

I’m no doubt going to just repeat what others have said as I’ve only read the OP’s posts but this man sounds like a twat! I couldn’t imagine my DH letting me work myself to the bone, pay all the bills, do all the childcare and hold all of the burden of family life. Paying off the mortgage doesn’t remove the burden of having young children and a family.

Can I ask why you are on MUMSnet?

I'm picking up strong vibes that you joined it to bait women.

It’s not because you’re a man, it’s because of your attitude and the language you’ve employed in your posts.

Stop emoting and start thinking.
I'm trying to slow down the army of pitchfork wielding hate factories
the din of estrogen-laden bad advice

Pseudo psycho-babble, insulting terminology and barely disguised misogyny. You’re not talking to women here, you’re talking at them.

And if you read back through your own posts it should be as evident to you as it is to everyone else that you are of the opinion that OP is selfish for not immediately capitulating and agreeing to this badly thought out plan, even though deep down she knows it’s not in the best interests of her and her children. Only that of her DH.

Exactly this. Clearly got side tracked on his way to Andrew Tate territory.

Oh l think we all know who’s embarrassing themselves here. I absolutely don’t think all men are evil, far from it. But l know a misogynist when l see one.

Can I ask why you care why I'm on Mumsnet?

Many of the posts on Mumsnet concern men. However beneficial Mumsnet might be it has a rampant anti-male bias. This isolated environment of female-driven narratives can and does often turn into a man-bashing feeding frenzy. For certain threads, such as this one, I feel it necessary to bring a logical voice. And as this thread has become, at no point that I've seen, has there been a true discussion or concern for the husband's mental health.

And no, it was other posters who "discovered" that I was a man and thought I was a mysogynist. At no point was I derogatory or disrespectful to anyone before the discovery. My sex became an issue only when they found out I was a man and they disagreed with me. The man-bashing began then. As is your subtle hint at my supposed anti-female agenda.

I am a 52 year old military retiree with 5 children and a beautiful partner. I despise drama. But, I despise someone being hung out for the vultures who give horrible advice even more.

In what world isn’t it putting OP out financially ? He’s paying off the mortgage which represents half their outgoings. He’s also reducing their income by half, leaving OP with all the ongoing responsibility for ensuring they can actually continue to live in the house he’s so magnanimously paid off.

@Mandemikc

My DH was in the police and it did awful things to his mental health. I supported him to get out of it before it broke him completely.

I also had a job that destroyed my mental health and he supported me to get out.

We have taken the financial hit of pay cuts because our family and relationship is more important than money could ever be. However, neither of us expected to do nothing after leaving. We both took different jobs to continue contributing. We have always shared the parental load so no expectation that one of us can sit on our arse whilst the other one breaks their back to do it all.

I would say it would be perfectly fine for him to have time off if he was going to pick up the slack at home but it sounds like he is not able to care for his children appropriately. If he doesn’t bring money towards the bills and he doesn’t provide care for their young children, what exactly does he bring? Paying off the mortgage is major but the other bills are ongoing forever. Is the OP beholden to him forever?

For certain threads, such as this one, I feel it necessary to bring a logical voice.

Why do you believe your voice to be more logical than a woman’s? Hate to break it to you but, whilst we may be “oestrogen-laden”, you are “testosterone-laden” so just as impacted by emotions as any woman.