DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

"I do feel jealous he will be having a relaxing life while I ferry kids to school and weekend clubs as well as work using annual leave for childcare or what will now be MY OWN money for school holiday childcare. Kids are primary school age."

This is the crux of it @Luannaa. If he's not working then he's either contributing to childcare or paying 50% of it. There is no way you should be using annual leave for childcare. This the the key thing. He's paying off the mortgage but in no way wants to make your life easier now he has the time to do so.

I don't give a shit if he finds kiddie drop off stressful/annoying/dull, if he enjoyed getting his end away to create a baby, then he can fucking well get on board with the crappy bits of parenting. He's either back to work or he's a SAHP who fucking parents. I have zero time for fuckwits in my life, or my bed. I just couldn't even touch someone who's so incompetent at life stuff - ick! What a turn off!

But you have both worked and you have done the lions share of childcare. My exh retired 7 years before I could as I am a WASPI and so had to continue working. It was the end if our marriage. I worked ft paid my share of the household bills and he did f@£&all. He went off at weekends (F1, motorsport, football, cycling, etc etc) whilst I continued to run the house and work ft. I stopped doing his washing, cooking for him and generally doing anything for him because he didnt as much as push the vacuum around the house during the day. I began to resent him hence the stopping of washing etc having asked him to do a bit around the house and him replying "Im retired". After 4 years I petitioned for divorce as had enough. I didnt know where I'd go or if I could afford a home etc but could not stand to be with him any longer. Kids left home so I followed not long after. No way would I accept him not helping with young kids if he's at home all day. Claiming he can't stand it and it makes him moody. I think this will be the end if your marriage and my kids were at senior school and college when my exh retired. You have a long way to ho and no way will he find a job aftet 12 months off. Sorry tried that, it didnt work 😔

What do you mean he won’t do school runs? He will have to now.

You wouldn’t use annual leave on childcare if he’s at home?!

I have no doubt he has earned a break, but when not in a financially secure position even to afford nice ‘basics’ 55 is too young to be retiring.

potentially he had another 30 years of living to do and cost of living isn’t going to reduce.

he certainly isnt going to want to work when he is 70. Best he looks for a change in career direction for now.

I was going to say I think it’s fine but him not doing the school runs or holiday childcare isn’t ok. Wtf!

You don't say how much remains on the mortgage but it will be paid off so at least that's off your shoulders. I think you said you are working a 40 hour week so my feeling is that your husband should take over some of the domestic jobs, eg shopping, tidying, vacuuming, etc. Otherwise I think you may become resentful. If I were in the same situation, I would hope my husband would pick up some of the household duties so that my own life could be a bit more relaxing. I think most women do this anyway if they are the ones to retire early.

Also, as has been mentioned, your husband is several years older than you but at 55 is still quite young to retire, however demanding his job might have been. Also some men who have had demanding/responsible jobs don't seem to cope that well when they completely stop work. I am aware of several cases where some men become depressed, apathetic and rudderless without the work structure.

It's difficult to gauge if the planned financial arrangements will be fair and workable without knowing all your incomes and outgoings. However, I am not sure it is necessary for everything to be exactly equal - shouldn't it be more about the spirit of the arrangements - that you both want to contribute fairly but if one person is finding it to not meet their reasonable needs then matters can be adjusted?

Oh I misunderstood and thought op meant he'd be free to do those things now, I.e. childcare, housework etc . I mean he needs to do SOMETHING, he can't just sit around.

I think the chances of him going back to work in a year are very low. His reluctance to take over the household chores and childcare would breed resentment in this marriage.

Who does he think will be responsible for the household bills when you retire OP? Was his plan to always stop contributing once the mortgage was cleared?

I think if he's going to be this petty, then he shouldn't pay off the mortgage. Instead, he could pay half off, then continue to pay half of the monthly bills, whilst you then pay off the remaining mortgage and bills, although, it's hard to know how fair/unfair all this is without knowing figures etc.

Like hell should you be paying for childcare and taking annual leave for school holidays when you're DH is retired. No way. This man may have had a tough job, but that doesn't mean he gets to check out of his family and home responsibilities. He sounds like a total selfish jerk.

I'd be furious.

I suspect this is easily solved, OP. Explain that he will have to pick up the bulk of the childcare, housework and cooking once he's kicking his heels, and chances are you'll find after some sulking and snarking he changes his mind about the whole thing.

You, on the other hand, really do need to look at what you're being coerced into doing at the moment. He only has this potential pay-out because you had his back all these years. Hopefully you'll read and absorb what other women have said here, and insist on some changes to make your life easier, not just his.

You don't get what the issue is because you haven't read the thread. The £900 bill was HIS share. The OP will be paying more not less, because he was actually paying £1000 as was she. So now she's going to be paying £1100 (which she can only do by cutting down her and DC quality of life. His quality of life will remain because he's going to be spending the entirety of his small pension on his hobbies) and she'll have to pay 100% of any unexpected bills that crop up. And she'll be doing all the childcare and school runs because he refuses to. He emotionally and verbally abuses his DC to force the OP into paying for childcare or taking annual leave, if they're off school, because she can see it's not safe to leave them with him. And you don't see what the problem is?! He's an utter cunt, that's what the problem is!

He's an utter cunt, that's what the problem is!

I agree, and uttercunt would be a splendid username.

He intends to do his hobbies and pretty much nothing else. He has told her this. He's refused to work part time, refused to do school runs, treats his DC so badly that she's forced into paying for childcare or taking annual leave to look after them herself if ever they're off school. He's a waste of space.

It's like you didn't even read that post of hers that you quoted, before typing your reply.

He refuses to do school runs. How hard is this to understand? You can't force another adult to do anything just by willing it to happen.

What will he do if DC aren't got up and taken to school by OP? Fume at OP, grump at everyone, yell at DC. Neglect them instead of parenting them. Stay in bed while they try to get their own breakfast. Not take them to school.

What will OP end up doing? Same as now, she's not a neglectful parent so she'll end up getting up early, getting them ready for school and taking them before she goes to work, because he's left her with no other options.

For the same reason she'll end up paying for childcare or taking annual leave if they're off school, just like she has to now regardless of what he's doing.

It's coercive control. He's an abusive husband.

OP, you def need to get some financial advice. What are you going to live on in the future etc etc. agree with PP that this is better coming from someone else not you.
Also, wtf with school runs?? Cunting behaviour there! He works professionally and can't be nice to his own children? What a dick. Of course he's doing all of the childcare, cleaning, housework while he's off. It's not early retirement, it's a career break, cos he needs to get back to it after a year so as not to be living in poverty in future.
I say this as someone of similar age as you, with dh same age as yours, he does all the childcare and housework. He is a sahp/house husband. End of.
He's not paying off the mortgage "with his money" btw, you are a family and it is all family funds! If he bought a yacht with his payout there would be uproar on Mumsnet with you and the children going hungry.

with the mortgage paid off cant you reduce your hours / contract? Look at Rewire retirement. Get him to look at it too. I can understand him wanting a year off to recharge. But you should also be looking at phasing work down. Hopefully after a year he will want to do something even if PT. You should be planning your own Rewire retirement. You could start this with knocking down your contracted hours after a year of supporting the bills etc on the house.

It may be very relevant to DH's position. OP said he has a very demanding job, so did mine. He would have retired at 55 because of the nature of his job, but the fool is still there and he's 63 now - all because he doesn't want to share his pension. He doesn't need to work.

Many people took on stressful jobs specifically because they could retire at 55 so he's not doing anything out of the ordinary. People think everyone has to work until they're 67, they don't.

…. ahem … NO! You are not being unreasonable. Firstly, I doubt if DH’s redundancy package has been entirely swallowed up by clearing the mortgage. I would therefore expect a continuation of contributions to household running costs. Perhaps slightly reduced in recognition of his ‘generosity’. Secondly, if you are to proceed on the basis DH suggests, then it should only be accompanied by your counter suggestion that henceforth, whilst you’re at work, DH undertakes a substantially increased proportion of the unpaid tasks which you routinely perform… e.g. shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry ….. and on, and on …. Your hard working, stressed out hubby has been expending all his time and energy on external people and situations. It’s high time he started to give YOU a bit more consideration now that he has time on his hands ! As my dear Mum used to say “Live horse - and you’ll eat corn”. Don’t get saddled with that.

To be fair, the OP doesn’t appear to know that this is her issue either as this wasn’t the crux of the initial post.

In a similar situation to you, DH a few years older, retired from a very stressful position with a decent small pension. He used his lump sum to pay off our mortgage.
This gave me the freedom to leave my equally horrible stressful job and start a new career in something less lucrative but much more stress free.
If you hate your job it may be worth having a discussion about you doing the same. You are still relatively young and shouldn’t spend your life being miserable.
As other people have said, he also needs to take on more household work, this is a non negotiable.

Bet this DH is in the police. He's got a 19th century view of being the man of the house and now he wants to forget he's got kids and be a 15 yr old and just lie in and have fun all day long. He also sounds a teensy bit on the dim side re money and retirement planning, unless all males in his family have dropped dead before they're 60.

This just screams of… ‘i’ve done my bit now I’m out’. Mortgages can be paid off, bills, food etc can’t. A marriage is team work. Maybe if he has a plan, in 12 months time to return to work so he can contribute to the bills then that’s ok, but I think a conversation needs to be had about it.

Your man damaged his mind and soul for you and your family. And still he had the foresight to pay off your home early, saving you thousands in interest. Your man, your husband, your partner wants time off to make some attempt of washing away the wretchedness of his previous life, which he stayed in for all of you.

The very least you can do is truly think of him and give him this time to come down and unwind. Believe me, he might not show it, but if he's asking for this time off, he absolutely needs it. Men communicate in different ways. When it comes to our internal struggles, it's often a more subtle form of acknowledgement.

Give your man the peace he deserves, and frankly, has paid for.

Did you not read all of op's posts?
At first, the one year of down time did sound perfectly reasonable. But there is concern that he just won't go back to work at all, when they still have primary aged children to pay for, it's not just the two of them. He also doesn't do any school runs or the 'day to day' stuff related to the children and that won't change. He intends to just do his own thing, whilst op continues to do all the child related stuff and work full time. Theres no such thing as 'peace' from parenting young kids.

You missed the bit where she works full time and he refuses to do any care for his own children or help with running the household.

There are plenty of men in his position who manage those things.

He didn't damage his mind and soul for her he damaged them for us, society.

He could have changed jobs any time he chose. Again, there are plenty of men who have middle career crises and manage things better than to make unilateral decisions that will disadvantage their young family now and their wife now and for the rest of her life.

Nope. This is pure fantasy, and if you don’t mind me saying so, the assertion that he damaged body and soul for his family is romanticised bollox. His line of work was his choice. He did what every other responsible husband and father does, he worked to support his family, as has OP, and up to this point it’s been 50/50.

The reality is that he wants to take early retirement, pay off the mortgage and leave himself with no means of meaningful contribution towards ongoing household and children's expenses. He’s expecting OP to take on responsibility for the entire financial load until he decides he’s ready to go back to work, by which time he’ll be late fifties and out of work for a year - significantly disadvantaged when it comes to finding another job.

There is no foresight involved here and no planning for adverse events. It’s a unilateral decision which will only benefit him - the only thing that changes for OP is that she is now solely responsible for ensuring that they can continue to live in the house that’s now paid for. If he has to shift the whole future financial load onto someone else, then he can’t afford what he’s planning. The only feasible option is that he secures ongoing employment before he takes the early retirement package, so that he can continue to contribute towards their now reduced outgoings..

I think as a man, you’ve got a bit of a nerve coming onto a womens’ forum and trying to repackage this as DH sacrificing himself for his family and OP being selfish and intransigent if she doesn’t comply with what he wants.